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MIA Mother In Law (long.. sorry)
I have a MIL, however; I have not spoken to her in over two years... To me she is missing in action...
When my husband and I started dating, everything seemed to be wonderful. I got along very will with my future MIL. We went shopping together, cooked together and had a lot in common. I was so excited that I got along with her. However, after a couple of months things started to change. She started to blame me for things that her son did or didn't do. For example during christmas dinner, while the prayers were being said, my husband didn't do the sign of the cross. The next day she confronted me about it and said that it was my fault he didn't do the sign of the cross. That he was trying to impress me. I had to explain to her that I had nothing to do with him not signing, expecially since he did it at my grandparents house. (sorry if this is confusing...)
Another thing she blamed me for was us going to a Milwaukee Brewer game. She went on and on about how us spending money to see a baseball game was a waste of money. That it was my fault we were going to the game. I wasn't the only one that wanted to go. Her son did also.
Problems like this went on and off for a few months.
The last time I spoke to her was on my birthday two years ago. She had shown up to my job and started confronting me about various things.. She said that it was my fault that my husband lived with his father. That he should not be living with him, because his father had beaten her years ago when they were married (about 20). Now it is not for me to say if he did or didn't I was not around. What I do know is that his father is a wonderful man now and loves his son very much. Also that it is my husbands choice on where he wants to live. She also said that it was my fault that my husband never went to see her any more. That I was controlling him, telling him that he couldn't see him anymore. When the truth is that I encouraged him to go see her whenever he had a chance. Expecially since I worked on Saturdays, he could spend the whole day with her.
She then went on to tell me that us getting married was a sin and she didn't approve of it. Now this was before my husband even proposed. He had gotten a loan for my ring, and the bank had sent the loan papers to her house on accident. She opened them, thus finding out that he was going to propose. She insisted that I make my husband go back to the jewerly store and return the ring. Of course I didn't do that, I love my husband and wanted to marry him. That was the last time I ever saw or talked to her.
About a year and a half later my husband and I got married. She didn't even show up to see her only son get married. She did show up to our church earlier, only to try to talk our pastor from marrying us. My husband tries to call her and she never answers the phone. He has also tried to go visit her, she will come to the door, but won't even talk to him.
I feel so bad for my husband. He is such a loving and caring person, yet his mother treats him like crap. A part of me thinks that we should just try and forget about her. That whenever my husband does talk to her it only creates problems. However, another part of me wants to try to fix the relationship... after all it is his mother.
I don't know what to do. I can feel it eating me up inside. If anyone has any suggestions they would be much appreciated.
Re: MIA Mother In Law (long.. sorry)
There is nothing to fix. Do not attempt to start another relationship with her. Your H can do what he wants as long as he diesnt involve you!
You did leave out in your tory exactly what you H did when she did all of the above.
My MIL is manipulative and has blamed me for my H not wanting anything to do with his family... the fact is- she and FIL drove him away by being evil and manipulative. BUT they will never see it as their fault- it is mine, the evil new wife. I have "forced" my H to do things he didn't "want to do" and have "kept him from his family."
I've made it very clear to my H- he can do whatever he wants with his family, but they are NOT my family, and after treating me like crap and like some evil person, I do not want anything to do with them. I will support him in his decisions- if he wants to go visit, I'll support him in that too. But I do not have to be their friend or their daughter, and we have left it at that.
Luckily H wants nothing to do with his family- even though he DOES miss his mom... but it is his decision to make, and I have learned taht I canot take it personally any longer- they have mental illness, and I can't fix that. I can't fix their disdain toward me- so I refuse to try. I think you need to let your H do what he needs to do for him, and leave the rest alone- this isn't something YOU can fix- it is a H & MIL issue- you're just her scapegoat.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Stay OUT of the middle. Your H has lived with / dealt with his mom his whole life. He is used to her manipulation and CHOOSES to turn a deaf ear to her. She is preying on you b/c you are vulnerable - you don't realize that listening to her will only end in disappointment.
If you are face-to-face with your MIL and she accuses you of making your H do something, turn to her and say "My H makes his own choices." or if he didn't do something he "should" do (according to her), reply "You were the one who raised him. I guess you failed at (religious education, manners, etc.)." She is a bully and you will have to fight back in a not-so-nice way!
She sounds like my mom would act with me. There's really nothing you can do, only support your husband. If he doesn't want to talk to her, fine... if he wants to talk to her, good. But do not let things get to you, she'll always try to blame you for everything, because people like that will never admit when they're wrong or going crazy. Love your husband and do not listen to this woman, if she can't see what she's doing is not you who will change it.
She is his mother, but it's his choice to treat her like that or not and she was the only one who chose and got things to this point. I'm sorry you have to deal with that, and hope things get better in the future, very soon.
Consider yourself lucky that your nut job MIL stays away from you. Wait until you have kids...then they really go psycho. I wish my MIL would leave us alone. She's overbearing and does not like me and has been rude but she just keeps trying to spend time with us...ugh!
I too feel bad for my DH that MIL and I don't get along. It's her fault though...medling and being rude to me for no reason and making assumptions (similar to your MIL) about me that are not true. Bottom line is they will not change....ever. It does get worse when you have kids too so I don't have any good advice.....I just wanted you to know you are not alone with the MIL issues.
I agree to not get involved. Be supportive of your husband and whatever relationship he decides to create with his mother - without you (and any future children).
It is painful when a parent behaves like this and I understand your desire to want to have a relationship with her. Apparently she could not get over you "taking" her boy away from her.