Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Problem at Work
I also posted this over on 9-5
I am a preschool teacher at a small private preschool. My mom is also a teacher there (we are obviously in different rooms). My co teacher has no tact, and I don't think she means any harm by some of the stuff she says but it can still be hurtful and annoying. I have struggled with bulimia/anorexia growing up, and since I was able to get over it to some degree I have gained a lot of weight. Anyways, co teacher turned to my Mom one day (in front of other teachers) and said, "teacher86 used to be so pretty back when she was skinny."
I'm really embarrassed and pissed. Am I overreacting? Should I report this to our director?
Re: Problem at Work
No, to my knowledge she doesn't know. But, she keeps bringing up weight all.the.time. Not just with me, with other people, too. She told one co-worker that she shouldn't wear jeans anymore because it makes her look fat.
She walked in the other day and told me she had just weighed herself and weighed only 114 lbs. I eat salads at work a lot, and she told me once that I should keep doing that because it will make me lose weight.
This is my last year teaching there. School is over soon, and I teach summer school with her and then I am done (I'm headed to grad school). If I was staying another year I would speak to my boss about switching to another room with another teacher. I think that I will just stay quiet for now, I'm just so embarrassed. She is one of those people who always "speaks her mind' for better or worse. She has disagreed with me before in front of parents, and overruled me in front of the kids (over stupid stuff as well...). It just gets really upsetting after awhile.
She may be struggling with an eating disorder herself, she seems awfully obsessed with her weight/diet and everybody else's weight and diet. She was way out of line. Sorry she said that too you. If she says something again, try being direct, like, 'what a mean thing to say, why would you say that?'
Stand up to her and say, "Why would you say something so rude?" or, "I don't see how my weight is any of your business."
Put her in her place and don't feel bad about it. Do it once and more than likely she'll knock it off.
This, although I would leave out " and become pretty again."
I might also say something like "You seem obsessed with weight. I think you are mentally ill. Maybe it's time to see a doctor."
First of all, YOU have nothing to be embarressed about. You should congratulate yourself for getting healthy! That should be your first priority. I'm not sure if you are happy with your current wieght or not, but even if you are not, you can work on that later. You were destroying your body before. Appreciate what you have accomplished!
I have little tolerance for people who "have no tact." Sorry, when you work with other people, it's a skill you need.
Does the director know about your health issues? If yes, I would bring it up.
If you really want to avoid that speaking to the director, then the next time she says something to you, I would reply "I think you need to focus on your own weight. I am not interested in your opinion." Say it a little bruskly, and use the same line whenever she comments on something that is none of her business (whether it is your weight, another teacher's weight, or something non-body related). Your mom should do the same.
Also, in your exit interview, tell the director that your co-worker was not a team player and that you did not enjoy working with her. The less people tolerate her, the more likely someone in the future will see improvement in her behavior.
Same goes with when she tries to take over a conversation in front of parents. You should be a team, not "fighting" (so to speak) in front of parents.
And I'd tell her that if this weren't your last year here, you were going to ask to be moved because you don't enjoy working with her.
All said w/ a smile, of course....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Another tactic: "Are you okay? I've noticed that you talk about weight quite a bit and it concerns me. I have a great doctor I can recommend if you need to see to someone. Or, our employer might have an Employee Assistance Program that will help you find someone you can talk to."
Not that you really care about her, but it's a way to say it nicely.
Ditto this!
I also think in the meantime you should not tolerate her talking about anyone else in the meantime, or else you will sound like a hypocrite.
The next time she brings it up I'd just say, I no you don't mean any harm, but that's incredibly offensive and I'd appreciate it if you don't mention weight to me anymore.
She clearly has issues, but embarrassing her into shutting her trap would probably do a lot of people a lot of good.
I'm not happy with my current weight, once I was able to get over the anorexia and bulimia I gained a ton of weight fast (my dr. said it was because my body was still in starvation mode). Everytime I try to lose the weight I end up relapsing. But, I recognize that even though I'm overweight now, I'm much more healthy than I was when I was starving myself or throwing up 3 or 4 times a day. I have a therapist I work with and she wants me to try working out more and not counting calories or anything like that.
Anyways, point is I'm just frustrated. I think I'm going to suck it up until I leave, but if she says anything else I'm going to probably put her on the spot by responding, "why would you say that? Do you realize how that sounded?"
I just needed some reassurance that I'm not crazy. I've been struggling with an ED since the 5th grade, and relapsed last summer (I was eating 500 calories a day and working out 3-4 hours a day). I don't even know how it happened. I'm just coming to terms with the fact that this is a disease, it is not my fault, I am not in control of it, and I will fight it the rest of my life. Kinda sad it took me this long to realize this!
I don't know why I even questioned what she was saying. In the beginning I was embarrassed, but told myself that I'm overweight so I deserve that embarrassment. With this last comment I came home crying to my dh and told him everything. His response was, "what a b*tch." It's going to be reassured by strangers that I'm not crazy, and what she's saying is not appropriate. I was kind of afraid that my director would laugh at me if I told her.
I went through the same exact thing at work when I was pregnant. Before I got pregnant I was very thin because I was suffering from bulimia. Then as soon as I found out I was pregnant I knew I couldn't purge if I wanted a healthy baby. So I went from being very thin to extremely overweight. I think I gained 50 lbs during my pregnancy, and because I'm very short it was very noticeable. You wouldn't believe the things my coworkers said to my face. Two girls came up to me and said "We were just talking about you. You have gained a LOT of weight but that's ok you'll lose it after the baby comes." One of them kept making these types of remarks, "Wow, you've gained so much weight".... even in front of my supervisor. He did absolutely NOTHING because he was friends with her. A real supervisor would have immediately put her in her place and informed her that that kind of behavior is unacceptable. Because I didn't want to cause anymore problems than I already was dealing with at work, I decided to keep my mouth shut. They would have taken her side anyways....that's the kind of working environment I was in. In their eyes I was too young to be married and having a baby so they put me through hell when they found out I was pregnant. My supervisor was upset because I had told one person about my pregnancy and then all of a sudden everyone in the clinic knew. He told me that now everyone knew about it and asked me if that's what I wanted. He was embarrassed that I had gotten pregnant when he should have just said congratulations. Anyways, a few months later his wife left him and he was forced to raise 3 kids on his own. Perhaps things weren't going so well for him at home so that's why he took it out on me. He wanted to drag me into his misery.
After I had my baby I didn't lose the weight. I had starved my body for too long and once I started eating right I blew up. People weren't used to seeing me this way so they talked behind my back and laughed. I noticed a major difference in how people used to treat me when I was thinner and how people treated me after I became heavy. It sucked, it really did and for a long time I was very hurt. Because of this I relapsed and ended up losing the weigh but going about it the wrong way. I did learn something from it though. It's better you say something rather than you say nothing. When people say hurtful things they move on with their life and forget about it while you are left hurt and will still think about it years later. The comments they made about my weight were so hurtful that even 6 years later I haven't forgotten about it. When I think about it I get angry that I allowed someone to speak to me that way because of fear. If I could go back I would say something and let that person know that they were being rude. There are many ways of doing this and I think some other posters have given you great advise.
It doesn't matter if you are a sensitive person or someone with thick skin....nobody should disrespect you in that way. From my experience many people are cowards when it comes to doing what's right. My supervisor was too wrapped up into himself that he feared being disliked. So instead of correcting someone who was in his inner circle of friends, he turned his head and then pointed the finger at me. I've seen this happen quite often, especially with people in a high position of authority. It's easier to blame the innocent ones that avoid conflict because they tend to be meek (like myself). Supervisors don't want to be the bad person, which they could easily become if they correct someone that could destroy their image (a person that's well liked in the workplace). Believe me I know exactly how you feel and like I explained above I went through almost the same thing you did. Say something now so that you can move on and forget about it. It certainly would have given me much more satisfaction seeing my coworker's reactions if I would have stood up for myself. Then maybe they would have though twice about ever disrespecting me or anyone else again. It sounds like that's what this woman needs...someone to put her in her place. Apparently nobody ever has, so be the first one to do so.