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MIL Visit this week! What do I do?
Hi there,
I am going with my husband to visit his parents this week. I am so anxious because basically, my MIL's idea of clean is not my idea of clean. They say they clean once a year when we come to visit!! They also have a dog thats been having bowel/urination problems and also its not trained properly. (Meaning, it won't listen to commands like "lay down"and it tries to lick my feet and my pants.) This makes me so uncomfortable the whole time I'm there. They also do not cook and we will be eating out for every meal (which I can't stand!) I like them both a lot as people, but I just can't get over the way they keep their home.
I keep my house very clean, cook meals everyday and pride myself on having a welcoming home. Growing up, my parents house was very neat, orderly and didn't have any clutter. I've talked to my husband about this, but it just makes things tense between us because he wants me to be happy, not uncomfortable. I try to explain to him that I love his parents and enjoy spending time with them, but can't help that their house makes me feel icky.
We agreed to stay in a hotel next time we are out there, but I'm not sure what do about this now. I don't want to hurt my husband's feelings and I know I already have. Should I just grin and bear the visit for 5 days? Do I need to lower my expectations for them and just deal with how they are?
Re: MIL Visit this week! What do I do?
If they only clean when you come to visit, that still means their house has been cleaned when you get there. Maybe not clean to your standards, but it doesn't sound like they belong on an episode of Hoarders or anything.
Everything else - get over it. When the dog tries to lick your feet, redirect him. Eating out for a few days isn't going to kill you. If you are so opposed to it, then offer to cook a meal one night.
FIVE DAYS IN FILTH? Oh my goodness, that sounds like my personal hell on earth.
I don't know that I have any good advice other than gently ask your husband if you can move over to a hotel if the filth is too much to be around.
And if I were you, I would also see about "treating" your in-laws to groceries so that you can cook a few of the meals while you're there.
I agree with LilBlkDress, I wish I could cook there, but if they only clean once a year, I don't even want to open their oven and see what thats like.
They also had a rodent problem at some point, and I would have to scour and clean the hell out of everything before even using it it cook. So I'm not crazy about that either.
@Hamburglar - - Yes this is seriously my hell on Earth too. Its too late to get a hotel this time around (and I don't want to offend them after they spent time cleaning) but next time around we will just have to get a hotel. I guess I just get so stressed out about it, its one of those things, you sit down and Im like "Eww what am i touching on this old couch!" and I just can't get over it, and can't shut up about it beforehand and end up hurting my husbands feelings.
get over it for this one time or stay home. that's it. sadly. adn about the dog-bowel/urination problems are pretty common-the poor dog. be nice to it. sounds like they didn't train him well-their fault. he's probably loooking for attention by licking.
Wear socks, shoes and long pants when you're near the dog during the day. Firnly tell him NO and maybe he'll stop. If you're staying in a spare room at night, shut the door when you go to sleep. Otherwise wear socks and pajama pants to bed if the dog will have access to you at night.
Offer to help your in-laws clean up if you want since you will be a houseguest ... not, "Ick, your house is filthy, we need to clean up," but, "I'd like to pitch in with the chores since you're so nicely putting us up here. How about if I sweep and mop for you tonight?" And remember that FIL is just as guilty as MIL for letting the place go, so don't just pin it on her since she's the woman.
I don't get why the restaurant thing bothers you so much. Frankly, if their house is really that filthy, I would think you'd WELCOME the opportunity to eat in a clean environment, no? Is the problem that they always choose trashy/unhealthy restaurants, or do you just dislike eating out as a rule? Offer to pay for dinner and then pick a nicer restaurant if it's the former ... if it's the latter, suck it up and order something healthy and deal with it. Or offer to clean the kitchen, buy some groceries and cook dinner at least once while you're there.
They're not going to change, so you need to make peace with the fact that this is just the way they are. Barring any serious medical issues that are making them do this (in which case talk to their doctor), don't get involved. If they are nice people and they treat you well, then just do your best to overlook it, and stay in a hotel the next time you visit.
I would absolutely get a hotel. If you stay with the parents, no one is holding a gun to your head to eat out all the time. Go to the grocery store, buy some food to make for breakfasts, lunches and/or dinners. You can compromise and go out to eat sometimes with the family, but other times you could just stay home and make your own food.
My family knows that BF and I are not too keen on eating out so when we travel, we usually bring some food and buy the rest so we can cook meals. It gets a lot of eye rolling from my family, but who cares?
What I mean is, because I get so anxious about it, I keep talking about it and have a hard time shutting up.
Regarding the eating out: They just choose places that don't have many healthy options. I also have stomach issues so I try to avoid a lot of grease or fat because it makes me sick. I guess I'll google some healthy places in their hometown (we are over 3K miles away from them) and see if they agree to try them.
They are sweet people and have always been nice to me, I should probably just suck it up and deal with it this time. You are right, they are who they are and I can't change them. Its just hard when you are not used to someone else's way of life that's very different from your own.
I personally completely disagree with any PP that says you should essentially suck it up and deal. I would NEVER stay in a home I felt uncomfortable in for any reason, not the least of all filth. STAY IN A HOTEL!
I had some issues with FI's parents last year and when we went back for a visit, we stayed in a hotel and it made all the difference. We were able to take our time in the mornings and make our time with them more of an event than a full weekend of nonstop togetherness. Overall, it enhanced our visit, not detracted from it and it made our relationship better. Since then, we have stayed at their house again when we've visited, but we've also gotten hotels. It all depends on the length of our visit.
But for my money, if you're traveling across the country to see them and making an effort, they can't be upset if you choose to be more comfortable in a hotel.
I am pretty easy-going, but if I were in your shoes I would stay in a hotel. Even if it is far away, or even if you can only get a couple of days (like Weds, Thurs, Fri, and Saturday if your visit is scheduled for Monday-Saturday).
If you don't want to hurt their feelings, say you are allergic to pet hair or dust, and that you will get an aethsma attack.
I am not sure what the issues of your ILS are - are they just dirty, or hoarders? If they are hoarders, there is a web site, ChildrenofHoarders, that talks about issues that children face and how they cope.
Tell your H you are sorry, but you can't enjoy yourself if you are in such an unclean environment. Tell your ILS that you love them and love spending time with them, but you need the nights away for your breathing to be ok. Visit them often during the day, but leave when you have had enough.
If you are at a hotel, then you can eat what you want. Meet them for lunch, but then you won't have to eat the greasy food - - just go back to your room / the hotel and eat what suits you.
Your dh can use their car and you take your/dh's car. My guess is, once YOU stay in a hotel, your H will probably go to it as well (either this time, or next time). The hard part is actually telling the ILS that their home is unsuitable for visits, but once that has been done you'll have set up a "new normal."
I don't think they are hoarders, but the first time I went out there, my MIL told me I couldn't look at the half of the house past our guest bedroom. I have no clue whats behind those other rooms or doors, but Im not sure I want to know. I have probably only seen half of the house.
Plain and simple: The house is just dirty, and the dog is dirty too.
I keep the dog (and cats) out of our room when we stay there, but now I think we will get a hotel next time we go out there.
I think if I were you, I'd have a piping hot cup of calm the heck down.
They don't live their lives the way you live yours. Accept it and move on. Schedule lots of things to do that get you out of this house you hate being in. Eating out for every meal is fabulous, this way you don't have to spend more time in their messy house/kitchen! Keep some lysol wipes with you in your bag so you can wipe down the bathroom you use and bring an extra set of sheets if you are worried about where you sleep. Be firm with the dogs when they make you uncomfortable. And if all else fails, drink until you don't mind it.
Basically, you sound kind of like the stick in the mud here, and I think your in laws are well aware that they don't measure up in your eyes. Chill out a bit.
ETA: I'm also willing to bet that just about every place you would eat at would have something equivalent to some grilled chicken and vegetables or a salad. Healthy is possible just about everywhere outside a barbecue convention. Change your perspective, and its amazing how much easier the world around you looks...
Amen.
I am so glad sparky said something constructively and clearly because it REALLY needed to be said.
I completely agree.
That said, I'm a hotel fan as well. Fortunately my PILs live locally so getting to our house from theirs is a piece of cake, but when we go out of town to visit my H's brother and his family, I much prefer staying in a hotel to at their house - and H is fine with it. Their house is fine - clean and all - but I just like the whole "alone/private time with H" thing. I also get anxious around a lot of people all the time (total Intravert here) so H understands and supports me.
Yeah, I kind of think this post is overboard as well.
You say their house is dirty. Is it dirty? Or is it cluttered? I have done the "don't go in that room, it's a disaster" trick when I've had guests. It's not dead rodents and feces smeared on the wall. It's a load of clean clothes dumped on the bed and some boxes we're storing until we can sort through them. It doesn't look nice, but it's hardly filth.
About rodents? My mom might be the cleanest person on the planet, and she's had the occasional problem with mice. She hates it and takes it so personally. So I don't think rodents, or spiders, or other pests necessarily means the house is unfit to stay in.
With that being said, you can't help who you are, so I'm sure you can't help being uncomfortable in any situation where everything isn't spotless. But your post comes off as very judgmental and mean. And you lost me on the eating out thing. You just sound like you're a very difficult person to please, and if I were your ILs, I'd probably stop issuing the invite altogether.
On an interesting note, I have the exact opposite problem. The man MIL married is a crippling neat freak. He's always hovering picking up after you. He'll go in the bathroom and wipe down the shower the second you step out of bathroom. He'll go in the guest bedroom when we're not there and clean up after us (which kind of gives me the creeps that he might be touching my personals in suitcase to be able to zip it and stack it in the closet. We're not allowed to eat or drink in the house, or use the sink in the kitchen (he keeps it spotless and dropless).
Maybe I am biased to this post & agree with what SarahMarie is going through because 1 - I myself am very clean/organized & 2 - deal with messy IL's. I do not think she is overreacting. You feel how you feel. To others who can't see it, sure, it can be 'dramatic', but that won't change how a person feels. I too, cannot get comfortable & do not feel welcome if I am in a messy/dirty household. It's just how I was raised. My mom & dad saw it as disrespectful for their guests to enter an unkempt household thinking it would give off the impression that if it wasn't orderly, it would seem as though they 'didn't care' enough to pick-up for their visit. Our house was always neat/clean on any.given.day. Over the years, I have loosened up with those 'catalog' expectations, but still, go to the nines when we have people over. I aim to exceed guest's standards.
Touching on the rodents...I think there's a HUGE difference on a 'fluke' of a field mouse getting into your home in comparison to food laying around, dirt, filth, etc luring the rodents in and inviting them to stay. Sarahmarie is probably concerned of rodent droppings, lice, disease, etc. If these people literally only clean ONCE a year, I can't imagine (and don't want to imagine) what kinda of things are lurking in their home.
I think that the time spent together and not how it is spent should be the focus. Whether Sarahmarie & DH stay in a hotel, don't dine out for every meal, etc. should discourage the IL's from reinviting them. People have their own habits and you can't hold that against them - just find a compromise that suits everyone.
*shouldn't