Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Mother issue but seems out of normal - Can't understand (long)
So, I'm brazilian marrying an american guy. We're waiting for our visa, for me to be able to travel to U.S and finally marry. For some reasons, we can't marry in Brazil. My parents loves my fianc?, and they have a great relationship, but my mother is always attacking me. Always saying something negative to me, how my in-laws will hurt me and how my future husband will cheat on me and whenever that happens she won't help me at all. I always try to understand her reasons to say that, since she loves my fianc?, so does my dad and they can barely talk due to language difference.
My mother was always the kind of negative person, but since I dated my first serious bf, which wasn't a good guy to me, every chance she gets its a new attack against me. Saying all kind of stuff like I hate my parents, I hate her, I'll never do anything good in my life and she'll never support me, that I am an horrible person and she doesn't understand why my fianc? loves me so much. This is tiring, you know? I never reply, but it gets old. When my fianc? is with us, she never attacks me, maybe afraid of his reaction? Idk.
I do understand she might be hurt because we're gonna live in U.S, and we'll be apart... but so many other people have done this before. We ARE trying so hard to get them a tourist visa in time for the wedding, and even a house for them to live there... but my mother is always saying I'll never do anything, and whatever I try I won't get it.
I was always the kind of daughter who had good notes in school, never liked to party, drink, never used drugs, graduated in one college already, started another one but had to stop because of the visa thing, always worked, would help them every time I could and even forget about my problems to help my parents, since they're old people and need support. What am I doing wrong?? I swear to God is real hard now to even say I love you to her, because every time I do, she says I'm the worst person she ever met and that I'm nothing to her, that saying I love you I won't buy her affection.
I don't know what to do, I want them next to me, I have to take care of them in respect of everything they ever did to me and I love my parents. But how can I stand being around my mother if the only thing she can tell me is, how much she regret about everything she ever did to me?
Today I tried to show her my wedding dress' pic and the wedding cake, and the only thing she said was..'' Too simple, hope you don't regret about that.'' and kept saying horrible I am. This is getting old and tiring, and I don't think this is what a mother is supposed to say to a daughter, in such a special moment of her life. I know I wouldn't tell my daughter such a thing.
Any advice? Opinions? I'm so frustrated trying to do everything I can for my parents and only rude comments and negative threads...
Sorry for the long post.
C.
Re: Mother issue but seems out of normal - Can't understand (long)
Your mom is toxic and you need to limit your interactions with her. You don't have to do these things for your parents at all and you shouldn't live your life trying to please anyone.
Good luck.
It sounds like your mom is trying to manipulate you into staying by making you second guess everything and preying on your emotions. Definitely try to limit details to her- because obviously, nothing you do will make her happy. I'm sorry you have to deal with this!
I feel like I have to do that for them, I'm crazy about my dad, he's a great man and always nice to me. But I also have to support my mother... I feel that I have the obligation of doing that. That's what keeps me doing everything I can.
But even my fianc? told me that she's the one pushing me down... I just can't understand her reasons to be like this with me, I'm not perfect but I am not a bad person like she claims.
Thanks for your reply.
Please realize this isn't about you, this is about her. There is something wrong with her. She is the one who sounds like a horrible person and for your own health and well being ( as well as your marriage) you need to separate yourself from her.
Listen she is never ever going to be the loving, doting, adoring, proud, affectionate mother you want her to be. Never. Nothing you will ever do will make her that way. Graduating college won't make her that way, getting married won't make her that way, having babies won't make her that way. Nothing. The sooner you realize that, the easier it will be on you.
Please please seek counseling for yourself. There are professionals out there who can help you handle your mothers abuse.
What your mother is doing, is not about you at all. She seems to be having some control issues. A child moving away is never an easy thing and her coping skills with that fact seem to be lacking, which in turn is making her turn on you.
Keep in mind you have done absolutely NOTHING wrong, it is simply her fears and insecurities coming through. None of this is you're fault, you and your fiancee deserve all the love and support in the world right now.
I know it must difficult, frustrating, and heartbreaking to see your own mother acting like this but in the end the best thing you can do is accept that this is how she is acting and focus on you and what you need.
If you can take some time for you away from your family to calm yourself.
If you haven't already tell her how you feel about her actions. Unfortunately, I can't guarantee any changes will come about but you may feel better for putting it out there. (No one including your mother, has the right to make what should be one of the happiest times in your life into a nightmare.)
I do truly hate to say this but it may come to a point where you may have to simply accept that this is your mother, you can't do anything to change her, and you can't live being around her or even talking to her.
Then again sometimes everyone just needs to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation.
I do hope that everything works out for you.
I can relate to this so much. I was also a good student and never got myself into trouble beyond the normal teenage rebellion-type stuff. I graduated college and graduate school, but nothing I have ever done is right to my mom. Regardless of how negative my mother's reactions, though, I also tried very hard to come up with "reasons" to excuse her behavior ("She just wants what's best for me," that kind of thing), but eventually, she pushed me over the edge.
When muy husband and I recently bought our first house, she told me that she wasn't excited and that she didn't want to talk to me. She said that because we are staying in our home state of FL instead of following her and my dad to Colorado, that it must mean we don't want them to be close to our kids (for the record, we've been married 6 months, have no children, I'm not pregnant, and it's widely known in both the families that we're waiting at least 2 years before even trying). I finally had to accept that just because she's my mom doesn't mean I can let her get away with putting me down and making me feel like I'm doing something wrong. She may be my mom, but she's still just a person, and people are often selfish and rude and flat out wrong.
I stood up for myself and simply said "This is what we've decided is best for our family." We still haven't spoken in almost a month, but I think ultimately she will come around and respect me more for doing what's best for my husband and I. And if she doesn't, that's an issue for her to deal with, not mine.
Good luck and congratulations on your engagement- don't let anyone take away from this exciting time!
Thanks everyone for the opinions and advices, vent here was a great thing for me. I always had in my mind that either I'd deal with her s*** for the rest of my life, or I'd stand up and leave her deal with her issues. Unfortunatelly I can't stop feel bad for now, seeing the way she treats me and her reactions ( I still live with my parents until the day I'll move to U.S with my fianc? to marry), and unfortunatelly I've realized what she's been doing and that SHE is the wrong one in this relationship, not me. It is sad to see your own mother acting like this, you know..
You grow up with the idea that your parents are the only ones who will ever support you, and when you need the most they turned their back on you... I, at least now, have an example of behavior, I know what I WILL NOT do with my children in the future. I really appreciate that you girls ''wasted'' your times to reply my post and thanks for the kind words.
And to add one more thing, nothing is gonna ruin the best moment of my life, I have an amazing fianc? who gives me all the support I need for good, and amazing in-laws that are doing everything for me and my future husband. Want to wish good luck for you all with your marriage/engagement and thanks for the reply
C.
"My mother was always the kind of negative person, but since I dated my first serious bf, which wasn't a good guy to me, every chance she gets its a new attack against me. Saying all kind of stuff like I hate my parents, I hate her, I'll never do anything good in my life and she'll never support me, that I am an horrible person and she doesn't understand why my fianc? loves me so much."
That's your answer right there. This is who she is. She's not Your Mother - she's a person with her own struggles and faults, who was a person in her own right long before having you. Parents aren't paragons of humanity - they're just people, like anyone else, whose reproductive organs worked at some point. Some of them are great people, some of them are terrible people, and most are somewhere in the middle. It sounds like your mother is just a negative, nasty person. That has nothing to do with you. It's just who she is, and it's unfortunate that you have to be related to her.
I think it'll be good for you to be free of your mother and away from her on a permanent basis.
She sounds like a very controlling and manipulative person. She treats you like this because she can, and because her actions have never had consequences. On the contrary, the worse she treats you, the more you try to be a good daughter.
Try not to let her get you down. It's not about you at all, it's about her. I'm sure you're a very good daughter and a good person who can be successful in life. It would be nice if you had a mom who told you all that, but you don't. So you just need to believe it yourself and be rid of her negativity.