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Angry and bitter, but I still just want to vent.
Yes, I know I'm coming off as angry and bitter in this post, but I just want to vent about my SIL. I don't have a problem with the other two, just with this one.
Shortly after we got married I found out that the idea of having kids would require a miracle of sorts. I've sort of come to terms with this, but it's still very frustrating. SIL#1 (the one I can't stand) gets pregnant a lot. She just had a baby in August and is pregnant again and this time with twins. I'm all for people having kids. Just because I can't doesn't mean they shouldn't. The thing that bothers me is this. She doesn't even take care of her kids.
Last Christmas the whole family got together at his parents' house in CO to go skiing. Since her kids are all pretty young we knew someone would have to stay with them during the day so at first his parents volunteered. They even let them stay with them overnight (the house isn't big so the married couples stayed in a rented condo) so that SIL and BIL could get better rest with just the 4 month old. The next day after her kids threw tantrum #3 because they wanted their mom and she wasn't there ILs sent the kids to the condo to stay with SIL. She threw her own tantrum because (and I quote) "I'm on vacation! Why do I need to watch my own kids?!" (I wish I was lying but am not).
I've never seen her actually hold the youngest and when she announced she was pregnant this time she tried to act like it wasn't planned even though over Christmas she kept saying how she wants more kids really soon.
The last time the family got together just the SILs, myself and my MIL were talking and somehow it came up about us not having kids. Awkward, yes, but hey, whatever. If people push the issue and we're close enough in relation I'll share. Immediately after I said that SIL said, "Oh, well I've NEVER had that problem. I guess I'm just not broken down there!" Thanks. I love being referred to as broken.
Am I jealous? Probably a little. I want kids and I think I would actually be a good mom instead of pushing the responsibility on any nearby adult.
Am I wrong for being a bi!ch about this? No, I don't bring it up with other people. Just you guys. Sorry for the vent.
Re: Angry and bitter, but I still just want to vent.
Regarding pawning her kids off on others ... it's obnoxious, yes, but she gets away with it because other people allow her to. If your in-laws offer to watch the kids out of pleasure or even out of guilt, then of course SIL is going to take them up on it. And of course she'll keep pawning the kids off on them. The only thing you can personally do about it is never offer to watch their kids, and never allow them to be pawned off on you and your husband, because if it happens once then she'll just keep doing it. It's like feeding seagulls at the beach, they just keep coming back for more because they know you'll give in if they bug you enough after that first treat.
The comment about being "broken" ... I would've slapped her. What a cvnty thing to say. If she does it again I'd calmly but coldly say something like, "Why would you ever say something so mean and hurtful?" and then you and your husband should quietly get up and walk out. If they're at your house, ask them to leave.
Yeah, I could tell MIL and DH's sister were a little surprised by it. SIL#2 is nice to me but agrees with SIL#1 a lot so I didn't expect her to raise an eyebrow. I guess it's just very frustrating because I try to get along with her but she sees everything as a competition or a reason to advise me. I could honestly care less about the competitiveness but if I want advice on anything I will go to you, you know? It's gotten to the point where I don't want to go to family functions if they're there. But I love my ILs (DH sister and his parents) and don't want to hurt their feelings. Plus DH is really close to his family and I feel bad since we live really close to my family and his is in another state.
You certainly can keep going to family events. Just leave if SIL #1 says something cruel again. Do it every time and hopefully she will stop.
Am I jealous? Probably a little. I want kids and I think I would actually be a good mom...
I hear you on this. I can't get pregnant on my own either, though hopefully medicine will help. It drives me crazy because I actually would be a good parent, and so would my husband. I don't really have any advice, but know that you aren't alone in feeling that way.
Your SIL is an a$$. What an ignorant, inconsiderate thing to say.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
You can still go to family events - just be prepared to respond with comments such as "Why would you say such a thing?".
What does your DH say to his sister when she says cruel things to you?
That's the annoying thing. She has this annoyingly perky and overly-sweet demeanor and never says crap like that in front of the guys. I guess to keep up appearances? I have no problem calling them out but she's very old-fashioned in how she acts around men. When I've told DH he says that's really rude but that he couldn't believe she would say something like that; as in it's hard for him to imagine.
This. You're not alone! If I were still with my ex, my SIL would be just like yours.
Sounds like you have a bit of a DH problem here.
When I've told DH he says that's really rude but that he couldn't believe she would say something like that; as in it's hard for him to imagine
Well then you have bigger problems that your SIL!
I agree. DH is ANNOYINGLY non-confrontational. It's not that he doesn't believe me as much as it's hard for him to imagine. Maybe he's dumb?
Well, everyone is entitled to their feelings, so I think it's natural that you feel some jealousy and bitterness about this.
You need to be a little more confrontational when she says mean things to you. For example, two approaches to her "broken" comment (which would have infuriated me, by the way.
Approach #1) Why would you say something so hurtful?
This approach is good because it requires a response. And it's entertaining for you to watch her squirm to try to find an answer that doesn't make her look like an a-hole. I mean, you can almost see the self-realization that she's an a-hole materialize during her struggle to find something to say. I have used this approach personally and professionally, and it makes people squirm.
Approach #2) Well, I guess we each got a short stick. I'm broken down there and you're a sh!tty parent. Double Fail.
Or some variation just to immediately jump on the comment and go for the throat. Not as huge a fan of this approach because it's openly hostile and will create some awkward family moments. But I think the approach is necessary sometimes if someone continually gets free reign to make hurtful comments.
Ditto this. I mean "he can't imagine it...." Can he imagine that you are making up stories about her? That you are lying? Especially in light of the fact that you get along with your ILS and other SIL, clearly the problem is her.
My advice is to talk with your H and tell him how hurtful that comment was to you, and that unless he says something to his sister, you will not join in on any "family trips," that includes her. You draw the line at being disrespected, and if he doesn't want any "confrontation," that is fine, but the result will be that you won't see her. Then HE can answer questions about why you are not at certain family holidays.
As for dealing with SIL in the future
1) Don't allow yourself to be roped into babysitting. "Oh, no, I don't have kids of my own, I couldn't possibly know how to handle them" will work, even if you raised your younger brothers and sisters and ran your own sitting service.
2) If she gives you advice, tell her "I wasn't asking your opinion. I have my own plans."
3) If she makes something a competition, tell her "I'm doing my own thing, I really am not interested in your progress, skill, etc."
I agree that your fi has no b*lls, but I have a feeling you don't stand up for yourself either. You are perfectly capable of pushing back a little with SIL.