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Should I be mad?
I run a small business with my parents. Times were tough so last fall I took a 9-5 job-- half of my paycheck has been going to the business to keep us from incurring greater debt. My husband has been going daily (he works nights) to help out with the logistics of running things. It was going well until about a month before our wedding. My mother complained that he was not as sociable, but I had gotten sick and subsequently so had he. He was very tired and miserable as was I. He tried at that time to rearrange his schedule there to make it more efficient so he could get home sooner and sleep more. This did not go over well. My mother seemed to go out of her way to make things more complicated for him. She complained to me that he wasn't doing things in "the order". I explained that he was trying to do his tasks more efficiently. She seemed to agree, and for a week or two things were fine.
Then, he asked to cut back on the things he was doing to save time. My mother repeatedly would go on about how he didn't have to help, but if he took a day off, I was expected to take the day off of my job to cover. My work environment has been strained with all the excuses for the now 6 days I've missed in the past few months. She would send me texts at work to ask about things he should do, rather than go talk to him. At first I tried to subtly hint to him how best to do things so he could keep her happy. The hints went over his head.
Three weeks ago, she came to me crying that he is being rude to her, by not wanting to talk to her when he's out there, giving short cryptic answers to things like how are u etc. I went home and asked him what was up. She had accused him of being rude. I told him and he was mortified. The next day he explained (what I'd said to her before) that he was sorry she thought him short, that he was just trying to get things done, he has had a lot on his mind (he has--none of her business) and that he really didn't mind helping. Things were fine for a few days then she came to me and said he didn't need to come back out to help, ever.
Again, I went home and tried to dissect what was going on. I know my husband is shy and introverted. He's rather austere and dry-- distant if you aren't close to him. I'm the same way. My mom is extroverted, very outwardly affectionate, and "involved".
I know he became VERY closed off, think turtle hiding in its shell. The situation has made him uncomfortable. Instead of drawing him out its forced him to introvert more. He doesn't know how to solve the situation. I've asked him to try to be more open and more 'warm' though cold is not the right description of him.
Last night she made an ultimatum of sorts, by saying she doesn't feel he's part of the family, and basically he's all wrong for me. She said she had envisioned our family growing differently. She said she would shut down our business, and would do what she could to be sure I couldn't take another job next year-- though money doesn't grow on trees and she also told him he had better figure out soon how to afford to buy a our own place to move the business. (she hasn't wanted it there for years and made that point long ago) She said she has gone out of her way to pretend to need to do tasks where he is working just to force him to interact with her.
Now, I'm mad at her. I feel like this is about what she wants and what she has in her mind as the perfect family. (part of this is that we did not eat Easter dinner with the family... he'd worked all night the night before and it was his day off... we stayed to see family, share wedding pictures hand out cards then went home, but obviously she felt we wanted nothing to do with them)
However, I'm also mad at my husband. Part of me thinks he should grow up and put on a smile and act cheery towards her no matter what. However, I know how _I_ can feel when things are like this. Also, I asked him to help. He's done far more than I could say. None of this would have worked without him and my folks and I would be in a lot tougher financial situation if it weren't for him helping while I work a full-time job along with still operating this business. Finally, my job comes to an end in a week.... everyone has known this. It was a limited contract. So the fact that its all blown to a head less than a month before his help is no longer needed just flabbergasts me.
Should I be mad? At both of them? Should I be worried there is more to her actions? Does she want to make things hard on us? Is she jealous?
Re: Should I be mad?
I don't know whether he's not been civil to her -- you'd have had to be there to see for yourself. Maybe your mother is blowing his behavior out of proportion -- if he indeed has been uncivil to her, she's got a point.
Maybe you ought to seriously think of extricating yourself from this family business, and getting a 9 to 5 job with a real company:
She said she would shut down our business, and would do what she could to be sure I couldn't take another job next year-- though money doesn't grow on trees and she also told him he had better figure out soon how to afford to buy a our own place to move the business. (she hasn't wanted it there for years and made that point long ago) She said she has gone out of her way to pretend to need to do tasks where he is working just to force him to interact with her.
Not crazy about your mother's business style. At all.
Part of me thinks he should grow up and put on a smile and act cheery towards her no matter what.
I'm sure if his mother said all those things about you....youo'd just paint a smile on and take it up the a$$ like you want him to do~
I think your mom needs to grow up. It is obvious from his actions that your husband cares about your family and at least in his mind isn't rude at all. Your mom just needs to realize that your husband doesn't socialize in the same way that she does. That doesn't make him bad or rude, it just makes him different.
Perhaps the closing of this business would be best for all around.
Hehehe... not really, but I tend to do the southern gal thing. Smile wide, and say, "well, bless your heart...." while on the inside I think F/U. :-)
Sorry for your situation. My mother and husband sound a little like yours. She is very demanding and as much as we have and will continue to help her its NEVER enough. IF we do A, B, C and not D shes not thankful for A, B, and C but just mad D is not done. My H is pretty shy. What I have seen over the years is that: my mother is never grateful and can be rude, my H remembers this and then is not overly excited to talk with her when we see her. She sees this as closed off, but he just holds on to stuff that I can get over due to more years of pratice.
My mother actually had a similiar freak out right before my wedding: All of a sudden she said she "didnt even know him" but we had dated for 8 years!! I think she was just afraid and this was how it came out and also very jealous. I try to stay out of it and make them talk to each other and not through me but its hard.
I'd be really mad. AT YOU! I'm suprised your husband hasn't told you and your mom where you can shove your little family business.
Let me make sure I have the facts straight. Your husband works nights at an unrelated job. Then he goes and helps with the business during the days. If he can't come and volunteer his off time, you have to miss your real job to be there? And yeah, I would consider a small business that is bleeding money a side job rather than your real job.
So your husband's generosity and apparent sainthood (because he's only giving her one word answers that presumably have not included variations of "screw you" yet) are being ignored because he doesn't act completely in the way your mother believes he should. And now, it's become even worse because she's saying he's not part of the family, you shouldn't have married him, etc.
You are CRAZY if you think there is any part of your husband that should put on a smiley face and pretend to be cheerful. I think you should get down on your knees and beg forgiveness from your husband for subjecting him to this abuse.
Finally, you need to reevaluate your role in the family business. It's one thing to try to afloat during a temporary lull. It's another to have to work additional jobs just to be able to throw money into a lost cause. Personally, I'd walk away and look for a permanent full time job that doesn't require your husband's participation.
I really don't think he's been uncivil to her. I haven't been there, but in all honesty I would not have married a man who would be uncivil to anyone really. He knows this. He knows I would not tolerate such a thing-- I'd be hugely disappointed in him if it were so. I just don't see it. Last week he was out there with me and he was uncomfortable. I saw it. But, it was not rude behavior.
My mother's business style is not my own and it has been a strain for a long time. I've been in the process of extricating, but it involves paying off a huge debt by selling assets. Some of it is for sale, but in this economy, it could take a year or more.
At one time this was a very lucrative business. However, and its entirely my fault, I allowed it to be so enmeshed in my parents desires that it wasn't MY business anymore- it became their means to tax breaks and retirement dreams. When the economic downturn hit, it hit us very hard. However this is a business with live animals. We can't just 'get rid' of them. They are valuable and money has to keep going into them month to month. As it stands it is a lost cause, and all I'm doing is throwing money month to month at it to match the bleed until the big check comes in from selling the key assets that will allow us to wipe our hands.
However, you are right and believe me I've begged, cried, and fallen apart asking him to forgive me. He just shrugs and tells me to be tough that we'll get through it and be stronger for it.
Thank you, though. These are just the words I need to bolster my belief that he is in fact a saint.
Because my mom just won't let it go, I start to question my judgment. Obviously, this is an ongoing problem... my mother controls my life, manipulates and I've allowed it to happen. I've finally hit the deciding moment when its time to stand my ground once and for all. I fear it might end my relationship with her. I feel guilty. But, I love my husband. He loves me and we love our life together. I want that and I want our future more than I've wanted anything.
Ditto Donny. If I were you H I'd be ready to leave you. You seem to have no loyalty to him at all.
Business partners or not, if my mom said anything like the things your mom has said about my H I'd tell her to fvck off. Who is she to tell you who you should be married to? It seems to be way past time that you learn to stand up to your parents, personally and professionally.
You need to figure out how to protect your marriage from this mess and that means taking a major step back from your parents. Even if you can't immediately walk away from the business you can have less to do with them personally and defend your H everytime she says something about him.
I would also meet with a lawyer if you haven't already and figure out the best way to close your business. It sounds like your mom will not play fair, it's time for you to protect yourself.
Well remember he is the one you made vows to, not her. He should come before her in your life.
Just do whatever you have to do to get out of that business. Let it be a lesson learned to never mix family and business again.
I agree, you need to find out how to leave the business with as little damage as possible. Then get your husband a nice gift or something.
Sounds like your mom likes to play parent and you let her. She's not at all happy that there is another kid onthe scene who isn't kissing her asss sufficiently. And you're wondering if he should just be doing a better job at it?
Who owns this business? I mean, who specificially has a finacial stake in it? Because its not a to all clear as to why you are putting 50% of your employment earnings into it, why your DH is workign for free, and why your mother thinks she's in charge. Is she? Are you?
I think your mother fully expects to bully you into submission. Attacking you and accusing you of not "growing the family" in the way she envisioned or approved is appauling. Truly appauling. The fact that your instinct is to smile widely and say "bless your heart" while thinking fuckyou is pretty revealing of your character.
Your mother is fully aware that her guilt and threats work on you. Its up to you to decide for how much longer.
OMG! I think your H has been a SAINT to put up with not only your mom, but you as well!
You have a 9-5 job, and 1/2 of your paychecks have been going to the business? Which is basically your parents retirement fund! I want to retire - will you send me the other 1/2 of your checks?
I'm assuming your business is incorporated. Stop using your personal funds (your paycheck) to support the business. Allow it to fail or succeed on its own merits. If you work 9-5, you can't help with the business full time, that's that. If all of the debt means that your parents can't retire as soon as they have hoped, that's too bad. That has happened to a number of people who have started a business that has failed.
Tell you mother that you will no longer allow your H to be disrespected. If she doesn't get along with him, that is HER problem, and she needs to either speak with him directly or hold her tongue, and you would suggest the latter because he has been doing her a HUGE favor, and she better d*mn well appreciate it!
You need counseling, preferably before you get married. Your fi/H does not deserve to become involved in your messed up family. You need to be a whole, independant person or you are not ready to get married.