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Ghost dad who only cares about #1
This is a vent but advice/feedback would be welcome too. Let me just start off by saying that I love my father dearly. My mother left our family going on 12 years ago and I feel that alone has 'nudged' us to be closer. To give some perspective, I am almost 30, married, with no children. However, I think you are never too old for your parents. My complaint: sometimes my dad will call me every.single.day, sometimes, he has been known to call me FOUR times a day. He doesn't have a cell phone & lives with my grandfather, so it is very hard to get in touch with him. He resists getting a cell phone because, "then anyone can get ahold of him at anytime", he says. This bothers me. Especially, because he sees nothing wrong with calling me numerous times throughout the day, even when I'm at work and if I don't answer, he leaves voicemails.
I have tried to 'gently' tell him that once he leaves a voicemail that is good enough and I am not avoiding his call, but rather just busy & will get back to him as soon as I can. To be quite honest, most of our phone conversations are quite pointless. I don't know if it's his age (he's turning 60 this year) but all he will do is ramble on about himself like what he ate and what he did or is doing that day. I think that he just likes to hear himself talk. Very seldom will he ask about me and when he does, it's brief and then he rushes off the phone.
Most of the time though, excluding these phone calls, he's a 'ghost dad'. We live only 15 minutes from eachother & yet I never see him unless I initiate. He would also rather meet his buddies at the bar then get together with me. When I ask him if we can hang out more, he just gives excuses saying he doesn't have time and has a hectic work schedule, eventhough I KNOW for a fact (because he tells me!) that he meets his friends out at least 1 a week.
I don't know what I'm looking for here...does anyone else have a parent like this? Our relationship is pretty much like this: bottomline, I either have to let him ramble on about pointless stories of himself to actually 'get in some talk time' with him, OR I can tell him how I feel and he ends up getting mad and either hanging up the phone on me or telling me "Oh, that's not how it is...you're being dramatic..." or quickly dodging the topic and cuts me off and says he has to go. It's frustrating. I honestly do want some sort of a substantial relationship with my father but it always feels like more work/tears/frustration than good.
Any advice? Similar instances??
Re: Ghost dad who only cares about #1
Dad has too much time on his hands.
Doesn't he work? He also needs something to do with his time --- he's not ancient and he's not physically incapacitated so there's lots he can get out and do. I can name many activities he can look into to fill his time: volunteering, night school classes, hobbies, hobby related groups, sports-related groups, signing up to learn a new sport (tennis, ballroom dance, martial arts, to name 3), faith based charitable groups like the K of C, Rotary, Kiwanis --- many things to do and that's just some of them.
I wouldn't get his calls if you are busy. Let him get the message that you cannot come to the phone at his whim.
Funny how he is the one calling you dramatic when he goes crazy if you don't answer his calls.
I would tell him you are not allowed to take personal calls at work except for an emergency. If he notes that you took his calls before, tell him that you boss mentioned it to you, or that a memo/email went out and you are not going to jeapordize your career to hear about what he ate for lunch. He can phone and leave a message, but unless that message is to meet him in the emergency room, you are not going to answer. Even during your lunch break, because nobody can tell if your conversation is during lunch or "company time."
So - work is taken care of.
I would also consider making a "phone date" with him 2-3 times a week when you will call him to talk about your / his day. Say, Tues, Thurs, and Sunday at 8 pm (or whatever days / time works for you). Other than that, you can't committ to talking to him b/c you have things to do with dh, etc. Maybe some time you can say "hey, instead of phoning at 8 pm, why don't we meet for coffee."
I honestly don't think it's too bad that you initiate meetings with him and drive to meet him if he ends up going. If YOU want to see your dad face-to-face, and HE would rather make a phone call, then you have to make the effort to have that face-to-face visit happen.
If he has your cell, tell him it isn't working reliably, and he has to reach you on your home phone until you get the number fixed. Then block or ignore his calls on your cell. Only answer your house phone.
This is just who he is. You can't change him, you can only change your expectations. It's unfortunate, but I don't think you can ever have the kind of relationship with him that you want. All you can do is limit your contact with him to minimize the frustration you feel, and stop expecting the conversations you do have to go any differently than they have in the past.
Agreed! He does have too much time on his hands even though he always claims to be very busy (just too busy to do things he probably should be doing, ha).
Yes, he does have a job. Not to belittle his line of work, but his job is just a job he is working at so he can coast before retirement. It isn't demmanding or stressful. The only negative thing about it is that he works different hours every week - 3 nights a week and most weekends because it's in retail. Other than that, there isn't any traveling involved or reports or presentations. Again, not putting down his job, but I can't always sit on the phone & gab at work like he can - I have customers that only I take care of calling me directly & can't tie up the line or be unavailable.
The hobbies you mentioned sound like great ideas, although he just doesn't really have any interests or passions other than going to sports bars and eating & drinking. This was one of my mom's biggest pet peeves about him other than his work ethics, was that he didn't have any hobbies/interests. They would try dates and nothing held his attention other than going out to eat.
Lastly, you are right - saying not to take his calls on a whim if I am busy. I do try to enforce that a lot with him, that I am not always at his beck & call, however, the very next time we do talk, he explodes. Ugh, it's just so frustrating.
Oh, he is very double-standard. It drives my brother & myself craaaazy that he doesn't have a cell phone and yet always gets mad at us if he can't get ahold of us. He only looks at things one-sided & doesn't sympathize or try & understand our frustration - only his.
I did have a discussion with about no calls at work - mutiple times. I think that's where a HUGE problem lies in our relationship is that he doesn't listen. Or, he will accommodate my feelings for like a week and then go back to the way things were. It makes it that much more frustrating for me to know that whatever I am saying to him, he will just disregard later.
I've tried both the 'phone date' thing & also initiating get-togethers. Both have failed. He has a granddaughter that lives out of town, so my SIL and I always skype to stay in touch (my brother's wife). My dad has skyped before when he was over my house & thought it was neat, but then when I have told him we can set up 1 night a week (and also around my dad's schedule) to come over & skype, he just makes excuses. It hurts my feelings & I am really at a loss for a way to 'fix' this. He will on occassion ask DH & I if we want to meet him at a bar/restaurant to eat/drink - and we will go, but sometimes I'd like to do other things as well or see him more often than 1 every couple of months (when again - he only lives 15 min from us).
Thank you for your advice, RG.
This is exactly what DH suggests for me to do. He doesn't like seeing how upset I get after every phone call, every visit, etc. He will just say to me, "Hunny, why do you even call him?" and I guess the reason for that is I don't know...because he is my dad? I also kind of feel like he is my 'last parent left' that I actually do speak to and in my little, magical world of unicorns and rainbows, somewhat hoped that him & I could be close (or at least closer than we are).
He doesn't need to "accomodate your feelings." He needs to respect your boundries. And he will NEVER repect your boundries if you don't respect and enforce them. After a week he keeps calling 4x? Don't answer the phone. Just don't answer. If he rages that you didn't call him back remind him "I told you I can't take personal calls at work. I'm sorry you are upset, but I'm not willing to answer the phone. If I have a choice or you being upset or my boss being angry, I'd rather have you be upset. And if you keep calling me so often, I'll never consider your phone calls an emergency, so you could be in the hospital with a heart attact for five hours before I check the phone message you left.."
It doesn't matter what you SAY (or how often you say it), it matters what you DO!!!
I think you need to accept to yourself that your dad just doesn't want to meet up with you. That might not make you happy, but that's the way it is.
I would also point out - if he gets to talk to you every d*mn time he wants to because you make yourself so available, he'll never carve out time. Time with you is not important or valuable. You've made that clear by being at his beck and call 24/7.
Stop answering his calls and being available. Put his calls on a separate ring or make them go straight to voicemail. He'll get upset, but neither of you will drop dead from not speaking. Call him when YOU want to talk.
If he gets angry and berates you for not phoning back, tell him simply "dad, I called to have a pleasant conversation. If you want to yell and scream, then I'll have to phone you back when you are calm. I'm not interested in listening to you yell at me." click. Hang up and let him call back some other time.
On a different note - - if your dad phones you to talk about his tuna sandwhich, I don't think that's so bad. Obviously, if he is talking about it, it matters to HIM.
I agree completely with PP that he has to much time on his hands. My MIL is the same way. She will call and panic if no one answers the phone, but rarely answers hers (even though she has a cell phone). She will call multiple times, even though we have told her that we are very busy and can't always answer our phones. She often complains about being lonely and bored, but unlike your dad, she never does anything about it. Never calls the girlfriends to go out, never makes plans with family. She would rather sit home and complain. We live 6 hours away, so we always try to encourage her to get involved in an activity/club/anything, but there is nothing much we can do beyond that. We just stick to our guns that if we're busy, we don't drop what we're doing just because she's calling. We've found that only encourages her to do it more often.
I'm sorry I have no real advice. Just wanted to let you know I know the feeling.