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FSMIL is driving me insane.
I have absolutely had it with my FSMIL. My boyfriend and I are not formally engaged, and yet I keep finding myself continually dragged into her petty mind games and drama. I don't know how else to deal with the woman than to not deal with her at all, however I feel badly putting my boyfriend in the position to have to explain why I am no longer visiting over at their house or attending family related functions.
From the moment I first met this woman, she has used me as a pawn to gain information about my boyfriend, his friends, and his mother. We are in our twenties and yet FSMIL still cannot leave MIL alone. She needs to know every detail of everyone's lives. She tracks our movements and fishes for details when she manages to get BF on the phone. She has even gone so far as to stalk MIL at her workplace by calling and inquiring about her work schedule. This woman has attempted to get MIL fired from her job at least once and even called pretending to be a paralegal seeking to serve MIL papers.
Today, BF visited with FFIL, FSMIL and BF's half brother while I spent the day with my own family. FSMIL began to immediately question BF about my whereabouts. Eventually, she asked if I didn't like her, because someone had told her such. BF said he didn't know what she was talking about, but she concluded that I didn't like her anyway. To be honest, I don't like her. I can't stand her, but it makes no sense how she would have "heard" that I didn't care for her. We live almost an hour away from them. At no point in our day to day lives do we come into contact with people that are connected to FSMIL and whom I would have discussed my dislike of her with. BF and I both think she's fishing for drama as is usually the case, so I've decided to just cut her out and not deal with it anymore. I am sick of being dragged into the middle of something I have no business being dragged into the middle of. This woman is psychotic and needy and I won't humor it anymore.
The only issue is that BF now has to be the one to field more questions as to why I'm not coming around. I feel bad that BF has to deal with this added onto his daily barrage of personal questions, but I don't want to cause more issue by openly fighting with her. Is there anything else either of us can do? We're both at our wits end.
Re: FSMIL is driving me insane.
Has your BF/FI tried telling SMIL the truth "Sarah and I doesn't like the fact that you give her the third degree about me, my friends, and my mom. It makes her uncomfortable, and she doesn't want to deal with it. We've agreed that until the questions stop, she should stop visiting." He should say this in front of his dad.
Yes, it will be hurtful and cause drama. He needs to make it very clear that it is a JOINT (if not his) decision. And that it is not personal, it is about SMILs ACTIONS, not her.
If you do go to visit (or if you visit during a family holiday like Christmas / bithdays), make sure that you sit far from SMIL and don't talk to her one-on-one. If dh leaves to see friends, play ball, help his dad change the oil on the car - you go, too.
If she asks any questions, you can tell her politely but firmly "why don't you ask BF about his friends / Why don't you ask BF about that? " or "I don't feel comfortable discussing BF's mom with you. If you have any questions for her, ask her yourself." Your BF needs to tell her that he doesn't appreciate her questions. Has he spoken to his dad about privacy and FILs wife?
As for your visits, you're not even engaged. Your BF can also tell her "she has her own family to hang out with. We really don't have any free time."
She sounds like she is mentally unbalanced. THis isn't normal behavior.
Treat her with kid gloves...and think twice and three times about marrying into a family where this type of nutter is in existance.
If she's hell on wheels now, she sure will be after you are married.
If yoru BF won't be more proactive about this, rethink him also. If she is this bad, he should have cut her out of his life long before you entered the picture.
Your MIL should take steps to legally keep this nutcase away from her. The woman needs an RO and a court order to stay away from your MIL.
It sounds like your BF needs to learn how to not get pulled in by her either. She starts 20 questions? "I'm not going to discuss this w/ you". Over and over and over.
And honestly, I don't know that I agree that HE should be going to see them and telling them why YOU aren't going. It's not really showing a united front, to be honest. I understand he wants to see his dad, but to say to them why YOU aren't there is really only throwing you under the bus and you will always be the "bad guy".
If he's going to talk to them next week and if his message is going to be "This is why she isn't coming around and after today, if this behavior doesn't stop, *I* will no longer be coming either", then great. That says that he's upset TOO and that HE will no longer come around.
But if this talk is going to be about you and how he doesn't like it either, but... hey, I'll still come around, in the end - it's still all YOU that is the bad guy and not him.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
not to say that she's not a nutter-she certainly sounds like one-but I have to wonder-why do EITHER of you answer her questions in the first place? you dont have to you know.........
and i agree with PP-you're not engaged. nothing gets better after you are or married. it's only magnified by 1000000 LOL seriously, and I mean SERIOUSLY consider that you will have to deal with this the rest of your life if you decide to marry thiss guy.