Sex & Romance
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Not too Confident
Hi, my fiance and I are getting married in 2 months. We are VERY traditional and have not lived together, had sex or seen each other naked. We make out and such, but nothing beyond that. I am overweight and have been working on it, but I am very Self-conscious. he knows this and thinks I'm beautiful anyway. I am very thankful for this, but I am very nervous about having sex with him. It's not the pressure of any one-night, its just a confidence I don't have. Is there anyone with any advice on how to be more comfortable or feel prettier with him?
Re: Not too Confident
Is there anyone with any advice on how to be more comfortable or feel prettier with him?
I think this is one of those "learn to love yourself" issues that are all about you and nothing about him. You need to feel comfortable with yourself and work on your self image. If you are happy with yourself the way you are, then there is no reason to not feel confident. If deep down you are not happy with yourself the way you are (which I suspect, or this wouldn't be an issue) then you need to work on appreciating yourself. Loving yourself comes first, then positive and healthy changes to your diet and activity level will address any physical change that you may want to see in yourself. It really makes a difference when heathy diet and activity level are a act of self-love instead of self-loathing.
Perhaps her FI prefers a plus sized lady. Lots of guys do.
There is pretty lingerie for ladies of size; look around on the web and have a look; perhaps there is also a specialty shop in your area that sells fancy lingerie for ladies of size.
Have a look at the curvier famous ladies: Chrstina Hendricks is one. So is Queen Latifah; Camryn Manheim is another one. Look at the fashions and styles they're wearing -- you'd be especially intersted in the bolder retro looks that Ms. Hendricks wears when she's on Mad Men. You don't have to dress like a frump if you're a larger size lady.
So... larger ladies shouldn't have sex? We should just hide away and pray noone sees us?
Ditto PP. Find yourself some nice lingerie, something you'll feel sexy in - he loves you for who you are and thinks you're beautiful - you'll be fine.
(Believe me, a guy who thinks you're sexy is a really nice confidence boost!)
What else I can suggest, in addition to the above -- why not get a makeover?:) Maybe a new hairstyle, new haircolor, new makeup. That should boost your confidence, also.
Yeah, that was a bit harsh, in my opinion. Obviously that's weight loss 101, but I don't think she was asking for weight loss tips. Plus, that's not going to help immediately since it takes months to make big dents in weight if doing it responsibly.
That being said - I would find a really great piece of lingerie that makes you feel super sexy (trust me, they are out there). That will help you feel confident because it's a little bit of coverage and you can even leave parts of it on when you have sex for the first time (that can be very sexy). Also, try making the lighting on your first night together comfortable for you. That doesn't mean it has to be pitch black, but maybe candlelight or a dim lamp? Mood lighting does wonders for my confidence.
Most of all, remember that your husband is going to be thrilled no matter what. He obviously loves you for who you are and that isn't going to change when you get undressed.
First off, I am sure you're gorgeous and you already know your FI thinks so as well.
Feeling sexier tips:
Heels - they make my calves look more sculpted and me feel sexier.
Thongs - I don't know why but they immediately me feel like hott, even if I am wearing jeans or sweats.
Matching bras to thongs is always a favorite.
Also, having my hair upswept with a few tendrils hanging down in the front always makes me think of porn stars and therefore, gets me all revved up. LOL
I assume you'll already be wearing makeup on your wedding day but it helps me, especially since I do not wear it everyday.
And, ditto pp that lingerie is awesome for getting everyone going.
Also, practice makes perfect. Since you're not living together, you have the opportunity to try on heels and walk around and get comfortable and get sexy. Practice walking from the bathroom, or the bedroom door, to the bed in a sexy way. I also feel very sexy when in heels and a thong, I bend over and writhe around.
GL!
Another reason why not having sex prior to marriage is a terrible idea.
Sex is one of the most important factors in a successful marriage. Why do people let the invisible imaginary man in the sky not let them know what their future husband/wife will be like in bed?
Ugh...probably the reason why 1/2 marriages end in divorce.
How ignorant. Confidence has nothing to do with weight. "Skinny" women can have worse body-image issues then "bigger" women. If she weighed 100 pounds would you have dismissed her so easily?
Agreed.
That said, if you are unhappy do something. For me, excercise isn't about losing weight, it's about feeling healthy, which ups my confidence hugely.
Also, lingerie is a great idea! I swear it's more for the us than them ; ) And I have done what someone else mentioned and left parts of it on, like a baby doll or cami when I'm feeling self concious.
You've got some great suggestions, and it sounds like a great man, so find ways to feel great about yourself. Maybe you can even find something to do together that ups your confidence, like we take the dogs on hikes, and that has helped hugely.
XO
I don't want to sound too combatant, but you've stated this opinion extremely matter of factly. If it is your opinion that "sex is one of the most important factors in a successful marriage", then you should probably consider the alternative possibility that it is actually this mindset which causes "1/2 marriages" to end in divorce.
Granted, if sex is one of the most important relationship FACTORS, then not sleeping with your mate before marrying them could be a showstopping problem. However, I would suggest that the health of a sexual relationship is an indicator rather than (primarily) a factor of a healthy relationship (Or at least, I feel that it should be, if it is going to be a lasting and committed relationship). My fiance and I did not have sex until we were married, and we have remained appreciative of our decision throughout this year that has followed our marriage. And I can say that with the knowledge that I have a VERY active and creative sex life now with a very sexy husband.
Your performance in bed should not dictate your marriage or relationship.....it should rather reflect it. I just needed to put in my two-cents, because some people's occasionally arrogant assertion that those of us who choose differently than them are stupid, irritates me sometimes.
In response to the original question, I can tend to be a little bit self-conscious of my physical appearance out of the "trappings". I am not actually even overweight....I'm 5'7 and 119 lbs. Being frank with my husband about any insecurities (he's not shy at all, and very willing to discuss things), and consciously reminding myself that I AM beautiful, and that he knows it, have helped me. Also know that as long as you are aware of staying healthy, he will have more fun the less self-conscious you are when you're with him.You have to learn to love yourself. He obviously loves you very much and he thinks you are fine just the way you are. Try some new bras, underwear, etc. See what you like and what makes you feel sexy. Once you feel it, you will show it.
My husband and I didn't have sex or live together before we got married either. And i was pretty self conscious about being naked too.
2 things I've learnt:
1) boys love b**bs. No doubt you've got them. He'll think your sexy just because you're naked and he gets to play.
2) you'll feel more confident if you let him express how he feels about you ... Knowing (and actually accepting) that he loves you exactly as you are will help you feel better about yourself.
Try not to stress (that's the last thing you need 2 months before a wedding!) and remember that when you get down to doing it, you'll probably be too distracted by what's actually happening to think about how you look! Good luck!
Emma, the word is learned. Lernt is not and has never been a word.
OP, I am a pretty confident person. However, I feel like a complete goof in lingerie. It's not my style at all. H really isn't into it either. I feel far more confident in a cute pair of boxers and a cami. My suggestion is to try on lingerie. If it makes you feel good, buy some. If not, keep looking for something that does make you feel sexy.
Try to find some activities that make you feel good about your self. The more physical activity I am involved in, the better I feel about myself. Being physically active will also help you loose weight. Do you like to dance? Find a cardio dance class near you. Do you like to swim? Find a pool and do some laps or join a water aerobics class.
Like another PP suggested, go get a make over. Be playful with your hair. Buy a dress that makes you feel pretty. You have to decide that you are going to find ways to start loving your self. I know it sounds cheesey, but you really can't love someone they way they deserve to be loved until you love your self.
It's pretty ballsy of someone who thinks you "loose" weight to be correcting the PP on the (correct) usage of learnt. American English uses "learned"...British and other English variations use "learnt." Look it up. You are right that there is no such word as "lernt," though.
Your future hub is marrying you for you! And he'll love you how you are. Besides, men love seeing a great, curvy girl with hardly anything on!
I have always felt the same way about myself, not much confidence in my physical appearance. But I've learned to play up my best features and love the ones that aren't so great. I'm sure you are fab! And your fiance knows it too!
It's all about self-confidence girl!
Feed Me!**