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DH problem
So, DH has been less than awesome dealing with his mother issues. It has caused a great deal of stress on our relationship over our 10 year marriage. MIL has been hurtful to the point of being cruel to me the entire time which obviously has made me reluctant to visit or have any contact.
DH, our therapist said, is a peace maker kind of person who would go to great lengths to make sure his mother is ok with her life. She berated him and brow beat him growing up and he has great anxiety about standing up to her. Equally frustrating/annoying was the way one of his siblings and their spouse had treated us and our children. DH seemed to be unable to ever stand up for him which had enabled the sibling to continue with the bullying into their adult years and had spilled over to the children and I. We successfully were able to cut them out of our lives.
MIL does not at all like this and has been even worse to us since that time. About a year ago DH started standing up for himself to his mother. She didn't like that either. DH avoided his mother because he doesn't know how to deal with her and the therapist ran out of suggestions other then "cut her out".
The past year has been much better for me with DH standing up to MIL every time. However, she never thinks she is doing anything wrong or hurtful. The children and I have not had contact with her in almost 10 months. I know a lot of people will not agree with me but if someone is constantly cruel to me I do not think they should have access to my children based only on them being family.
DH had tried to talk to MIL several times but she protests everything he says and if he keeps talking she will fake cry (I've seen it happen a few times with other people she did that to, it's quiet embarrassing to witness) or fake an injury (like getting up and "falling" as she tried to walk, or "slipping" in an imaginary water spill, equally embarrassing). She also has an uncanny knack for turing blame around and trying to make issues someone elses fault.
He tried emailing but she never responded and when he asked if she got it she sweetly smiled and said no.
My primary concern is my children and how this will affect them. Before we cut out DH's sibling the children and MIL had a very strong relationship and I worry that this will damage them emotionally. I have explained to them that MIL wasn't being nice to me and we would see her again when she was. The therapist helped me with that.
My question is, I guess, does anyone have any ideas on what DH could do or say to help salvage his relationship with his mother. I have a feeling this is just an exercise in futility however I have read some really good advice on this board and thought I'd ask.
Re: DH problem
She sounds toxic and possibly mentally unbalanced. I wouldn't have any type of contact with her, either.
I am not sure that any type of relationship can be salvaged unless your MIL cleans up her act and stops the nonsense she's been pulling.
And for sheer fact of the matter that she has treated you horrifically it's best that all of you steer clear of her.
...........DH avoided his mother because he doesn't know how to deal with her and the therapist ran out of suggestions other then "cut her out". .......... (from the original post)
This board is filled with people wondering what they can do to get a parent to change.
Sounds like you burned through your options.
If she's not motivated by not having a relationship with you, there isn't anything magical he can say. If she'd rather have a grudge than a relationship, than there isn't anything either of you can do to change her.
Sorry to say.
I don't think there is any relationship to salvage. I think the next step in your DHs therapy is to help him realize and accept that his mother is who she is, and she isn't going to change, and she is toxic to be around, and that in order to protect his own sanity as well as to protect the emotional well-being of his wife and children, your DH needs to remove his mother from your lives