Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Mother-in-law/Wedding Invitations
I asked my fmil for a guest list over 6 months ago, and now that it is time to send out the wedding invitations, I ask her for the addresses for the family members, and she asks if she can add her friends, after we finalized the guest list months ago!!! Would you be mad? What would you say to her?
Re: Mother-in-law/Wedding Invitations
It is fair. It's not her wedding, and you gave her a chance to invite friends (or ask to invite them) earlier on. I would consider asking another family member for addresses or using switchboard.com or similar to let her cool off. Do not cave in to her immature behavior.
Well, i'd be annoyed; but all you have to do is say no.
"I'm sorry MIL, but we don't have any more room for more guests; but thanks for the list of addresses!"
It's not like she wants savages to attend your wedding; she just wants to bring some friends to watch her son get married. Unfortunately for her there is no room; but the wish is not wicked.
This and let your FI deal with it.
Are these distant family members that dh doesn't care about (aunts, cousins)? You can tell her that she can swap a friend for certain family members, but the total numbers can't change.
Aside from that, have your fi tell her that the numbers are not changing.
FWIW, DH had a very large family. His parents didn't get friend invites like my family did b/c they had so many cousins (including 2nd and 3rd cousins) invited. We didn't give them the option of inviting friends and they still had more invites than my parents.
If she's not paying for the wedding, then it's pefectly fair that she doesn't get to dictate the guest list. You've both done all you can do. If she wants to continue to be upset about it, that's her problem, not yours.
Don't deal with her - your fiance needs to do it since she's his mother. You're not responsible just because you're the bride.
If she's not paying for the wedding, he needs to say, "Sorry, Mom, but we just can't accommodate anyone else. We will invite the people on the list you provided for us." End of story.
If she IS paying for the wedding and the issue is money: "Sorry, Mom, but our budget cannot accommodate anyone else. If you want to invite these additional friends, it'll cost $x per person [figure in the cost of meals, liquor, and anything else that you'll need for them - invites and stationery, linen rentals, chair rentals, whatever]. We will need the cash from you, and a complete list of their full names and addresses, by no later than [date]." No negotiations after that. If she complains further, give her her money back and fund the entire wedding yourselves so that you have 100% say in how it goes.
If she is paying for the wedding and the issue is space: "We've reached our limit on what the hall can hold, so we cannot invite any additional people. If you'd like, we'll give you back your list and you will have 24 hours to make changes. But the list cannot include more than a total of X people. If you include more names than that, we will only be inviting the people up to number X, then the rest will be left off." Again, no negotiations.
It might just be that you weren't including all the information up front for us - but here you say you were only asking her for a list of family members. She might have been under the impression that, for your fiances side of the family, she was going to be the go-to person for family contacts. That's how I would have taken it, if the above information is accurate and conclusive of what you were asking her to provide. If a follow up conversation included something along the lines of "ok, it's the deadline" that might have pushed her into the "wait a minute, I actually have non-family I'd like to invite."
I don't think her request was rude. It may be that you were clear that she could invite or suggest people up front and she didn't pick up on it. Is the church/avenue full at this point? Would it be a compromise to say "You print out cheaper invites" on her own dime for up to #X? Does she have a plus 1 type option?
It won't be the last thing she ever gets upset about. Unfortunately.
Think about how YOU want to deal with her outbursts for the rest of your life. And then do that.
The way I'm reading this is that you asked her to provide a guest list of individuals she would like to invite to the wedding. She never provided one, so you just lumped in all the family members you assumed she wanted to invite and didn't leave room for any other outside individuals she may also have wanted.
Now she's mad because you cannot accommodate the extra individuals she would like to invite.
I think the best bet is for your FI to calmly tell her that she never gave you a list of additional people you wanted while you were making the list, and unfortunately it is too late to alter the list (budget, time, space limits, etc). Ultimately, it is not her wedding and she is free to be disappointed, but if she rages over it or causes unnecessary drama, then your FI may have to get a little firmer with her.