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we've had a rough week and it's only Tuesday
many of you know the struggles that i've had the last few years in the bedroom. it's troubling, upsetting, sad, embarrassing and most importantly, it is truly the only negative in our relationship. it causes so much stress - for me because i've taken all the blame, and for H bc he gets no sex and thinks i dont love him.
last night, after a stressful evening of dealing with our new house (a totally diff post) i had a talk with H. he's so stressed out about this process...about the closing, packing and moving....that it's not fun for anyone. i've tried to be layed back and say "it will get done, it will be ok, dont worry" but to no avail. he has it in his head that we MUST move every item we own in a few hours on Sunday. we dont even have our condo sold! i'm not sure what his hurry is. obviously, i want to move all the furniture and all the stuff that day since we have at truck...but if we dont have room for 1 box, i'm not going to flip out. i'm worried he will.
so we had a talk. it didnt go well. we're not on the same page and we just argued non-stop. somehow, this ended up H realizing that he is stressed, for many reasons. his job (again, a story for another post), the house, the move and the realization that he's too overweight and he has to have ankle surgery again.
H has gained over 100lbs since I met him. granted, he was too skinny when i met him and i prefer him about 40lbs more then that weight, but we can't escape the truth. i've taken the sex issues as my own but the truth is, i'm not attracted to him like this. and it's not purely phyiscal...he's a different person bc he's not happy, he's embarassed with himself, he isn't active and he doesnt want to do things like go to the pool, etc. he's just not the same.
so...he was really upset last night...like crying and everything....saying that he knows he's overweight. he got on his knees (he's a little dramatic at times) and made a promise to me that next year this time he'd be down at least 50lbs. i was so hapy...the floodgates opened and i started saying "thank you..it's been so hard for me to take all the blame for sex stuff" etc. i think this is when he realized that i had never been honest with him and that yes, it was in fact his weight that was the issue.
i know he's upset/crushed/embarassed/sad. this is the reason that i've held it in for so long. i'd rather it be my fault then him be so sad. but i'm not sure what else it was going to take for him to get serious about his health.
anyway...thanks for letting me ramble. i dont really feel like i have anyone to talk to about this.
June 2011
Re: we've had a rough week and it's only Tuesday
H has weight issues too. In HS he thought he would play college football, so he packed on the pounds just to look more impressive on paper. He lost 60 pounds in college because he was at high risk for Type II diabetes. About a year ago his doctor told him it was no longer preventable. He feels like he's to blame for his health problems and I shouldn't have to deal with it. He has his days that he feels unattractive and doesn't know why I want to be with him (don't we all do this though?). Its hard for me knowing he wants to make some lifestyle changes but doesn't seem to have the motivation to actually do it.
It sounds like you guys have a lot of stress building up there. It's great that you can talk about it with each other though. Seriously, that's a huge deal. You'll work together and get through this!
Ugh, im sorry.. Eric and I both need to buckle down and lose some weight after Carson comes.. Its so easy to gain weight but a b*tch to get it off.
Being a wife and a mom is so hard. I feel like i dont have enough time to spread myself between everything... and at times i suffer from it..
if you ever need to vent, im just a text message away! i miss chatting with you!
Ugh I'm sorry but it really seems like even though you guys had to go throught he stress of it something good came out of it. I'm glad that you were able to finally tell him all of how you feel because it's not good to hold it in (coming from the woman who can't tell her H that she really doesn't want his parents around Ava ever) haha but with the stress of moving and his surgery it was just a lot.
Glad it's cleared the air and you know with the new house and yard he can get out there and do things with Bennett and hopefully lose some that way
Thanks everyone. your support helps a lot.
i'm juggling some pretty crazy feelings right now...i feel like i should be able to overlook his weight and still love him as if he's the same person. but, the fact is that he's changed. i still grapple with the guilt.
i think he's had some tough "come to jesus" moments the last 24 hours. i'm hoping it's the push he needs to get healthy.
Hopefully getting moved into the house will help you guys get motivated to make some of the changes he needs. Of course, it is going to be ridiculously hard to lose anything while he is recovering from surgery when that happens. Life is stressful and big changes can make a huge strain on our relationships. Also, people do change when they gain a bunch of weight. I know I am less fun than I was 5 years ago. It is hard on both sides. Losing weight is a lifestyle change, not just a quick fix. I find that working out and having a good day in terms of calories really helps my confidence and motivation as a wife and mother. I am more able to handle the day and have a more positive attitude towards everyone!