Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Completely uncalled for!
Yesterday while I was at work, my mom called to see if she could stop in quick to say "Hi'. We had several issues that had come up on top of the other work that needed to be done, but I told her that I could spare just a second. She got there and spoke with my co-worker for a few moments (not even saying hi to me), then asked me to walk her out to her car (after seeing the mess on my desk and everything that I was dealing with). She then pulled one of her little stunts that just completely topped of an already crazy, awful day. She asked me if I knew that she has night terrors (I did, she talks about them all the time). The she told me that when she wakes up from them, she prays for me that food will make me sick and that I will just want to stay away from it (my weight has always been a concern for her, even before I gained 60 pounds and was a healthy 115lbs). While I understand that she just cares about me and wants me to be healthy and the best that I can be, I find it completely unacceptable that she would come to a professional setting like that for this particular conversation. I have absolutely no idea how to respond to this. It's always been hard for me to stand up to my mom, but I feel like she has crossed a line here. Any advice? I could definitely use it.
There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man. ~Winston Churchill
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Re: Completely uncalled for!
I think you have no one to blame but yourself here. You know your mom crosses boundries,
You should have told your mom "you said you were coming over for a quick "hello." I am busy and don't have time to discuss personal issues on work time." Better yet, in the future, tell her you don't have time for personal visits during your work hours. You are not paid to talk with your mother.
As for discussing your weight "mom, I'm a grown woman. I don't need you to worry about my weight. If you have that much extra time on your hands, maybe you should get a hobby to distract you from things that are none of your business."
Part of being an adult is acting the part.
Mom you are not allowed to come to my place of work again.
Mom stop calling me i do not want to talk to you.
Mom I am totally disgusted that you came to my job to have this conversation. I will not allow you to do anything like that to me again.
I know you are concerned about my health...i know you love me, but you crossed the line and I need a break from you.
There is only 1 person who can stop this from happening again ,and that is YOU.
So I've had night terrors kind of like in different spells of my life (like several will happen then not again for several months/years)...and I'm kind of vey confused, disoriented, not sure what is reality and what's part of the dream...is describing this to you as part of her night terror and it's something that bothers her...like does she find herself praying or does she actually deliberately and knowingly engage in this praying.
I would say either way "My weight/eating is completely off limits to you, I will walk away from you everytime you bring it up and not speak to you again for a week...so if you don't want to have a relationship with me you know what to do"
I call bullshit. Your mother is responsible for her own behavior, and her own actions. This is not your fault. That said, I would certainly make some clear boundaries (as hard as that may be), and tell your mom that you cannot have visits at work anymore, nor are you willing to discuss your weight with her. I realize that this is easier said than done, unlike the poster above. This site is rampant with women who seem to believe that solving all of the world's problems comes down to "stop being a doormat", when in reality interpersonal and familial relationships are often complex and delicate. Sometimes even subtle. They would have you solve everything with a sledgehammer when sometimes all you need is a gentle nudge here or there.
It is her fault because SHE allows it to continue. If she would not allow it her mother wouldn't have the opportunity to do it. She can not control what her mother does, but she certainly control whether or not to let it continue...and that is what Sue meant.
My advice is pretty basic - don't invite or allow social or family visits at your place of work. I'm amazed that you don't see how this is inappropriate?
Then you can deal with your mom on your personal, not professional, time.
The OP can't control what her mother says, but she CAN control whether she gives her mom the "ok" to visit her at work, she CAN control whether or not she will sit there and listen to her mom talk about her weight (on company time!).
At the same time, she can't change her mom. She can only change the way she deals with her mom. Sometimes knowing that you can control a situation is empowering. Or should be. Saying "I really have a problem standing up to my mom" is the reason her mom has no boundries. There are no boundries in this relationship, b/c the OP has not set any.
I don't think saying "mom, my weight is off limits to you," or "mom, you cannot come to me at work to discuss personal problems" = sledgehammer. If you think that's the case, you must be a doormat as well!!!
My other thought is that you feel "subtle" = lying and manipulating. Like hiding in the copy room when your mom comes to the office, instead of telling her directly that her visits are not woking. Setting boundries is more effective and works more quickly. Of course it feels like a sledgehammer b/c people who are used to walking all over you don't appreciate being told that their behavior won't work, but my guess is that the mom doesn't walk over everyone on the planet - only the people who allow her that option.
1. Don't take calls from your Mother while you are at work.
2. Whenever she mentions anything about your weight, end the conversation immediately and without hesitation. Walk away/hang up if you have to.
Eventually, she'll get the hint.
You do realize that she's desribing a hope that you will develop bulemia, an eating disorter. In fact, she's praying for it. She'd rather you get sick, vomit and have food adversions than be 60 lbs. overweight. You don't just suspect it - she TELLING you.
No she doesn't. She sees you as an extension of herself, not a seaparate human being. So she sees your figure and wieght gain as a personal reflection on herself. She'd rather see you sick than see you overweight.
There is nothing "caring" or "healthy" about that.
And she's wrapping it all up in this weird guilt-inducement where her night terrors are somehow linked with your weight issues. It was a bald-faced appeal for emotional blackmail to get your weight down or she's going to suffer terrozing night dreams, and rather than orient and pray for herself, she prays for YOU. And she is quite deliberate at shaming you at your current figure.
This can't be healthy for you.
The she told me that when she wakes up from them, she prays for me that food will make me sick and that I will just want to stay away from it
I don't care what your mother's intentions were, if my mother said that to me, I swear I would have said to her, "Mom, what's wrong with you? That's the stupidiest thing I ever heard."
But yeah, I know, not the most mature response, but I was so shocked when I read your post.
I agree with the previous posters on boundaries... and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
This wins best advice of the thread
So, your mom intrudes on your place of business to tell you that she prays you become bulimec? Hmm...
All I can say is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. 1. - Absolutely under no circumstances (unless death) is she able to come to your work anymore & 2. - If she cannot control her diarrhea of the mouth & learn how to behave, I would tell her you're a.) not going to come around anymore & b.) take any of her calls.
All good health aside - some mothers' (or parents' for that matter) tongue's come off dispicable. You are typing on here and obviously an adult and not a child suffering from adolescent obesity - it's time for her to learn that. What is her appearance like? I find it quite amusing because my dad will often give me 'health advice' and he never works out, eats/drinks all the time & looks 13 mos pregnant. It's always the 'healthy' ones that want to spread the tips
Well said. Honestly, I don't think anything you say to her will make a dent at this point. I would just turn and walk away. Don't get caught up arguing with her craziness. Hang up, ignore, walk away. She's toxic and you don't deserve this shiit.