Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL's Dog
I'm having a birthday dinner for my husband and decided to invite his mother and father over to the house as well. Everything was going smoothly - until my MIL asked if they could bring their dog. The dog is not trained very well in terms of behavior and whines if she's not rightnexttothem. Neither my husband or myself really like their dog. Last time (and the only time thus far) they brought the dog over, it tore through our screen because it was trying to get at my cat! I really don't want to deal with the dog and I do not want my cat (he's old now) getting bent out of shape over it either. I don't know how to explain this to them because they are very dog-oriented and bring their dog anywhere they go. Advice?
Re: MIL's Dog
Are there going to be a lot of people there? or not even a lot. Will there be other people?
If so, I'd say "Actually, it would be best if the dog doesn't come. We're having a few people over and it will be too much to add a dog to the mix.". If they say "Oh, but we'll keep her w/ us the whole time", you say "I appreciate that, but it would still be best if she doesn't come. Thanks for understanding.".
And if they pull out the big guns "WEll, we can't leave her at home!" you say "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. We'll miss you.".
Really- they probably know you all don't want her to come, but they are still going to ask. if you start saying "no", they'll get it that she's really not welcome.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Let me add - I think this message would be better coming from your DH than you.
AND if he really wants to be upfront, he could say "Based on what happened last time, it would be best if she doesn't come" - it really puts it out there what the real issue is.
To this, they may still say "Oh, we'll watch her/ keep her w/ us" - he can still say "I appreciate that, but it would be best if she doesn't come. Thanks for understanding."
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This.
She will bring her dog to your house for every event unless you tell her "no." You tried it, it didn't work.
If she has a choice between her son and the dog, and she chooses the dog, do you really want her at your house?
my dog went through my ILs screen too-and he's the most well behaved dog you'll ever meet. they got over it-I apologized and bought them a new screen. no big deal. dogs go through screens all the time. i wouldn't bring up that over and over and over as a way to justify your choice to not let her bring the dog. I don't thnk you need to give a reason at all. if you dont want the dog there say 'no'. it's not a choice for her, it's YOUR house, YOUR party and YOUR rule. if she takes issue with being away from the dog for hours for the party suggest local dog day=care places or dog spas where they will take care of the dog for a few hours. but stand firm.
The passive-aggressive, snotty part of me says go get yourself a non-descented ferret or two, and go to your ILs for a long, long visit with them.
The sane part of me believes the correct answer here is "No." As simple as that.
Actually, dogs do not go through screens all of the time. My family has raised, shown and hunted dogs all of my life and they have never had a dog go through a screen. I have had dogs all of my adult life and none of them have gone through a screen. I even had a friend who had friend who had to be put down due to untreatable "postman syndrome" and he never went through the screens.
So yes, it is a good justification to use when telling your parents or inlaws that their dog is not welcome. Just like I would never bring an untrustworthy dog to a friend or family members house, I would expect the same considerations.
Yes, this jumped out at me as well. I have had lots of dogs in my life, and even fostered dogs for a while some years ago. Although some of these dogs had issues like major separation anxiety, NONE of them ever went through a screen.
OP, I do think you need to be firm on this and start now. Consistency in saying no to your ILs on this will be important.
ummm alithebride, dog's do NOT go through screens all the time. I've never seen this happen ever, and have always been around dogs.
Just say "sorry but I'd actually rather it just be you and FIL this time, it would make it easier on me and H, can't wait to see you though"
You really don't need a reason, if you must have one then just let her know that last time it was a bit stressful, with the screen and the cat it's just too much and that you hope she understands.
My husband landed up calling them and telling them no. They persisted, but in the end it was no. I'm glad he handled it, but I am going to have to learn how to say no to them. I've said no in the passed when dealing with my MIL, but it's my FIL who I'm nervous with because he's so easily offended. Thanks for all the advice!