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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL Vent
I'm having some issues with my MIL. Up until now things have been fine. She is only a couple years older then me so we have a lot in common besides her son. She's always been really great and I have always enjoyed her company until...
There are two things going on. A few months ago she started a small home based bakery business. She desperately asked me to help her out. Things went really well. I enjoyed the work and it was nice to spend time with her and help her with the business. She is not very computer savvy and I would also help her with that and finding her deals for her business.
About 3 weeks ago she stopped wanting me to come help. I am a very hard worker and very easy to get along with and I really enjoyed the work but most of all helping her build the business. I waited for contact but after a couple of weeks I asked her if we would be working this week. I was working for her about 3 days a week prior to this lapse. She responded that business had been slow and she would get back to me. Well I know business has not been slow. In fact it has been growing like crazy so I had no idea what to think. I asked my husband how things were going with his Mom's business as they talk almost everyday. He said he hasn't really said anything. I left it at that. She has a Facebook page for her business so I know she has been really busy. This is making me feel really bad and I'm trying not to take it personally but it's hurting my feelings. I will get random texts from her still asking for my help on locating certain things she needs and then she asks me to go pick them up sometimes. I have saved her thousands of dollars with my time researching what she needs.
The other thing is kind of weird so hold on to your socks! My husband's brother, her son, has been communicating with a woman in the Ukraine for the past several months. This was interesting to follow but we never expected anything to come from it. My BIL is a great guy but very shy and had a hard time socializing with women. He is 31 and never married. So I just find out he is planning on a trip very soon to the Ukraine to visit this woman. Sounds interesting so good for him. Then last night my husband tells me his Mom has already asked my husband's boss (his aunt and mom's sister) for 10 days off so my husband can accompany his brother to the UKRAINE! She is evidently freaking out about her younger son going to begin with and on top of that going alone. What??? I am speechless at that point. I do hear my husband say he will talk to me about it. What in the world was this woman thinking? First of all there is no way we could afford for him to take the time off and who is paying for this trip? I do not understand why she would ask her sister for the time off for my husband without even discussing it first with BOTH of us. My reaction was HELL no! Then he gets mad at me saying he doesn't like to be told what to do. Well then husband talk to you Mother about that one cause she's just about to put you on a plane heading to the UKRAINE!
Sigh...vent over.
Re: MIL Vent
Issue 1 - she has no obligation to continue to utilize your services on such a regular basis. Of course, you can also decline to help her in the future if you think she is just using you.
Issue 2 - I think the reason you are so angry about this is because your husband will possibly go without even discussing it with you. His mother's request would be irrelevant if he immediately shut it down. Here, you have a DH problem, not a MIL problem.
The first part is very odd. Maybe she thought she was asking too much of you. Maybe she got insulted about something. Maybe she didn't want a partner after all. If you think she's lying to you, and you do, then get to the bottom of it.
The second part sounds like a bit manipulative and emeshed. I guess she's overcoming objections (like he can't get off from work) before she makes the case to convince him to go.
How far apart are you in age, how did that happen?
Issue 1 is nothing about obligation. It is about communication or lack of.
Issue 2 I am angry because of my MIL's actions and again, a communication issue. She had no business moving forward with arranging this trip without speaking to us first. Husband wouldn't go to the grocery store without discussing it first so I am not concerned he will GO to the Ukraine as you noted. I think he was too shocked to say anything to her last night. I know I was. But yes, this is a MIL and DH issue for sure. I can take care of the DH part, not asking for feedback there.
It is odd. My thoughts exactly. That's why I have been trying subtly to find out what's going on through my husband. I think I am going to need a more direct approach with her personally. Just not sure if it's even worth it. It is what it is. And I wouldn't say she is lying but yeah, she's not telling the truth.
I agree with part two but it just was a bad thing to do without asking us.
He's 33 and I'm 48. Sounds like a big gap but it works for the most part. I was married 25 years and separated 3 before meeting him. Did the whole dating thing for a couple of years. Said I would never get married again but you never know until you've been there. He's a good and kind man. Not what I had before. His Mom was 16 when she had him so we are only a couple years apart.
On issue #1 - my advice is to realize that she doesn't want your help. Whatever the reason, she doesn't want it. And I'll say this - you say you're a hard worker and easy to get along with. Perhaps thats true, but regardless, I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't a personality conflict here.
I'm not saying any of this to bust on you - just trying to play "devil's advocate" for a moment. Maybe in being a "hard worker", you were actually too pushy for her. And I stress for her. In other situations, your approach may be fine, but perhaps for her, she just wasn't comfortable.
And instead of telling you "Hey- this isn't working" out of a desire to not make things uncomfortable between you all, she is opting to just gently back away from having you help.
And as such, I say let it lie. She doesn't want your help anymore. Respect that and move on. Confronting her about it may put her on the spot, she may say something that creates a divide between the two of you that can't be fixed.
Issue 2 - If you say your DH will handle it and your not concerned, then I guess I'm not quite sure why you are so angry. Did she overstep her bounds? Absolutely. Is it annoying? Absolutely. But as long as your DH is going to say "No, mom, I'm not going to go", what does it really matter?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
1) she doesn't have to use you to help her with her business. if she did for a while, fine, don't push it. if she wants your help again-she'll ask. perhaps there's some other reason she doesn't want to ask you to help her but is too polite to say it. leaev it alone.
2) it's up to DH (first and foremost) if he wants to go. even if he gets the time he doesn't have to go. she went about it the wrong way. and you say UKRAINE like it's mars. it's not. it's eastern europe and i'm sure he's aware if you can afford it or not and if he can take time off or not. and I dont blame him for reacting the way he did-no one likes to be treated like an idiot. if you spoke to him the same way you wrote that bit above it's no wonder he reacted that way....maybe he wants to go....maybe he will save his money to go....who knows. i personally dont see anything wrong with it. dh and i travel separately frequently. no big deal.
Looks like your BIL is getting a mail order bride. Be wary. I think the whole thing is a racket.
And wow, your MIL sure has no sense of boundaries? Perhaps...but the problem here is your H, not his mother.
What else is going on here with your H's behavior? There has to be a lot more to the picture than this.
A dime says your H is a mother's boy other wise no way in hell would she have called his boss to ask his boss to give him time off to travel. Your H has probably been an ongoing problem, thanks to the fact that he can't stand up to his mother.
I'd be livid at him if I were you. She probably has him (and his brother) by the bollux.
You have an H problem, not a MIL problem.
Sounds like she coddled and overprotected the hell out of both your H and his brother -- and your H has a problem sticking up for himself.
It is her business and maybe having you there in person made her feel like you were a partner and she didn't like it. If she asks for help and it is not taking anything away from you then help, but if it disrupts your day or is time consuming then tell her sorry no can do. You say you are easy to get along with, but maybe you made her feel inferior. Business and family can be touchy. Just let it go.
The second part concerns me only in the area where she contacted H's boss. Regardless if it is her sister that is not cool. If your H does not see a problem with his mommy asking his aunt for time off for him then he needs another employer. His mom has no business interfering with his job. Understandably she is worried about the other son who is probably being lured by an internet woman, but he too is a grown man. After reading the 2nd problem I say the 1st problem is solved as why on earth would you want to spend time or work with her?
Her other son is of legal age and over 18 years of age -- he can dispose of his own person, as they used to say in the day.
The whole family sounds kooky to me.