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Helping him with job search WWYD? (kind of long)
So DH has been looking for stable work for over a year now and I'm starting to get panicked. He already has a choppy (lots of temp assignments all over the place) resume due to some immigration status stuff that it took awhile to work out. Thank God he now has his permanent residency (and can work) but the job search still isn't going great.
He's has some interviews but nothing permanent has panned out. The economy is bad but I have a sneaking suspicion that there's more to it than that. For example, his resume is two pages long (full of various temp assignments) and he doesn't believe me that he needs to tighten it up. And I think it's odd that he rarely asks me (or anyone else to my knowledge) to proof read anything for him before he applies for jobs. Also he got let go of his last temp assignment because they said he was a "slow learner." The place was clearly dysfunctional in many ways he couldn't control but he does have trouble focusing on things and picking them up quickly sometimes. I wonder if he has ADHD or a learning disability or something. He said he'd be willing to talk to a doctor about it but never follows up.
I feel guilty for having these negative thoughts and I don't know if I'm just being too sensitive and impatient because I'm so desperate for him to find work. I really really really want to start having kids soon but things never seem to get better for us financially. I think it's also kind of hard on him that I'm the main breadwinner and I don't want to hurt his confidence more by offering too much advice on his job search. Every once in a while he lets me critique his resume and I do network for him when I'm out and I send him job postings that look good. Is there anything I can or should do? The stress is really starting to get to me.
Re: Helping him with job search WWYD? (kind of long)
Some questions. These are fairly rhetorical, you don't have to answer them if you don't want to. Just things to think about.
Does he address the immigration issue and the fact tht he's a permanent resident in his CL? People may be looking at his resume and thinking they have to sponsor a visa, or need to be told why there was a string of temp jobs.
Have you made an appt for him with a dr to discuss the ADHD? Sometimes you doing that legwork can push him to go.
Has he networked at all? Looked into things on linkedin, posted his resume on internet sites, etc?
Does he know what he wants to do, or are these random jobs that have no pattern or flow?
Have you tried just letting him find stuff on his own? He may be resisiting because he may feel you're doing too much hand-holding.
Have you been able to focus on your work and trying to work your way up the ladder so the pressure is off of him to find work?
Is there a possibility of him being a SAHD for your hypothetical child(ren)?
Our little Irish rose came to us on March 5, 2010
Don't drink the water.
Disclaimer: I am not an MD. Please don't PM me with pregnancy-related questions. Ask your doctor.
Good questions--thanks for posting. Here are my answers:
I believe he does mention the immigration issues (and the fact that he's now a greencard holder) in his CLs. At least he did in some of the early versions he asked me to read.
I have not made a doctor appt for him for the ADHD screening because I'm worried that may be just a bit too controlling. Plus I hate getting into situations that put me in the mother role (I don't want to make his problems with initiative worse by doing everything for him). But perhaps in this situation that's what I need to do and hope he doesn't resist. He also doesn't have health insurance so I hope we can afford it.
He does do a lot of networking and posting his resume on sites and researching. It's not that he's not working hard I just worry he's not working smart. His resume needs work and maybe his interviewing skills too. I also think he needs a more clearly defined vision for what he wants. There are just areas where I think he needs some tough feedback but I don't know if he's ready for it or where it should come from (probably not me--he can be stubborn with me).
He's applying for mostly admin and mortgage support jobs which I do not think he's suited to but he does it because he has experience in it and seems to get calls for those particular areas. At my encouragement he has also applied to some HR international recruiter/coordinator type jobs that I think he would be perfect for because 1)he's extremely personable 2) has a degree in international business 3) is fluent in Spanish and English. He hasn't received calls for those jobs yet and I'm not sure why.
At the moment he's mostly doing everything himself. There were some periods where I was pretty involved and them some when I was totally hands off. I still don't know which one is the right method.
I am fortunate to like my job and have been climbing the ladder here. However I do work at a nonprofit so I'm never going to make huge money. I will never be able to support a family on my salary alone--especially because both H and I have a ton of student loan debt.
We have had the conversation of him being a SAHD but he is opposed to it and the truth is that I would do it if necessary but it would break my heart not to be the primary child caretaker. The reality is that in a high cost of living area and with lots of student loan debt we BOTH need to be working and I will need to continue working at least part time after we have kids even if he's working fulltime.
To me, it sounds like you need to pick one or the other in terms of the control issue. Either let him do this all on his own and let the chips fall where they may (including the dr appt, which I would hold off on if you have no insurance), or controlling everything (which I would hate as your DH).
He's doing what he can. It's a crappy market. Hopefully things will turn around for him.
Our little Irish rose came to us on March 5, 2010
Don't drink the water.
Disclaimer: I am not an MD. Please don't PM me with pregnancy-related questions. Ask your doctor.
I would tell him that after a year, he has nothing to lose with mixing his resume up a little bit. If he's resistant to a total overhaul, ask him to send the updated resume to a handful of the places he's applying and continue to use his current one as well - that way he can evaluate which gets him more phone calls back.
DS1 born June 2008 | m/c at 9w March 2011 | DS2 born April 2012
Our little Irish rose came to us on March 5, 2010
Don't drink the water.
Disclaimer: I am not an MD. Please don't PM me with pregnancy-related questions. Ask your doctor.
I agree with vanilla...
I would just try to let DH know that I believe in him and that I'm willing to support him however I can, whether it's proofreading or maybe researching something for him or whatever. (there's a bunch of online sites that advocate a 1-page CV. Maybe you could show him one of those?)
Chances are that he's feeling the pressure just as much, if not more then you are and doesn't want to look like he's incapable. It's a tricky line between making them feel supported and making them feel babysat, but I think in the end they just need to know that you're on their team.
I've been on the nest too long, I feel like it could be 50/50 that you're being snarky.
DS1 born June 2008 | m/c at 9w March 2011 | DS2 born April 2012
LOL, I'm serious. I love the idea of 2 resumes and "letting" him figure out that a reworked one works better.
Our little Irish rose came to us on March 5, 2010
Don't drink the water.
Disclaimer: I am not an MD. Please don't PM me with pregnancy-related questions. Ask your doctor.
I would say NO to the ADHD/LD appointment. If you just go to a doctor (general practice or psychiatry), they will do one of two things: refer you to a specialist, which will be costly (this is actually what they should do) or give you a diagnosis that doesn't really hold much weight because they don't have the tools for proper assessment. Besides, ADHD can be treated with medication, but if it is an LD, there is no "cure" outside of tutoring and accommodations in the workplace. This might just make your husband's self esteem worse, and wouldn't make his chances of getting a job any easier.
Besides, being a "slow learner" could mean anything. Maybe the employer was banking on the fact that its a crappy economy, and only wants people he can work to the bone at a breakneck speed. But if you really worry that there might be a problem (ie, if DH had a lot of trouble getting his degree), you could get an eval, but those tests are mostly geared towards the things we learn in primary school. They'll most likely give him one of two achievement tests, both of which look at stuff like spelling, math knowledge, reading abilities, etc. Then, achievement is compared to IQ, which will tell you what he should be able to pick up on, and if there is a big difference between the two, it's most likely a learning or attention disorder. However, these tests may miss it if his learning problems are related to a career field that he's just not suited for. Also, all of these test have been criticized because they're not culturally sensitive, so they lead to misdiagnosis. Again, it probably won't help your husband's self esteem.
Stick to the advice about resumes, and sincerely, good luck.
I thought Vanilla's resume advice was good.
Personally, I would see if he can get access to career counseling or an independent person to help him with his resume. It sounds like he needs help/advice but from a source more neutral than you. When I was interviewing last year I did mock interviews, got really helpful notes, and then convinced DH to practice with me. Sure, he could have done the mock interview and critiqued me himself, but doing it this way helped me to accept the advice more gracefully and to keep my pride intact : )