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MIL & Idiot Husband
I am not sure who I am more pissed at, MIL or DH. My MIL watches my 2 year old twice a week. She is not helping us out at all. We can afford to send DS to daycare 5 days a week no problem, and I would prefer it. DS loves daycare and can play with his friends.
DH insists that his mother watches DS twice a week because she wants to. If she doesn't she will have a fit. My issue with this is that she does not have very good judgement.
Example: Today she was sorting through all of her medications and pill bottles on my small kitchen table while my son was eating lunch. (She takes antidepressants and whole bunch of other things) She has a large Costco sized container of powder laundry detergent on the floor in her entry with no lid on it. I have to remind her to put it away EVERY time we go over. I came home once and she was reading a book in the basement, while DS was watching tv (we don't let him watch tv) on the main floor. She stores her butcher block full of knifes in a bottom kitchen cabinet without a lock. I had to tell her that this was not OK. She was shocked, and told me that nothing would ever happen because she watches him at all times. Most of the time she is at our house, but occasionally he has been at hers. Lastly, she smells disgusting because she smokes. She doesn't smoke around DS, but she smells like she just left the bar and it is gross.
My issue is that I am VERY UNCOMFORTABLE with her watching DS. I can not focus on my work, because I am worried sick about him. DH always initially agrees that these situations are dangerous and unacceptable, but then poo poos them later and tells me that I would have a problem with anyone who watches DS.
This is not true! I am very happy with his daycare, even when accidents happen. DS was poked in the eye by another child and I had to pick him up in the middle of the day and take him to the eye doctor since he wouldn't open his eye. It was an accident and I completely understand that some things are not preventable, but knives, pills, and poisonous detergent are.
I have tried putting my foot down, but DH says that his mom is watching DS and that is it. Before I divorce the bastard for not respecting my feelings and the safety of our child, I would like to know if anyone has any ideas for getting him to understand where I am coming from.
TIA
Re: MIL & Idiot Husband
If my H cared more about his mommy's feelings than my feelings, and more importantly our children's safety I would divorce him in a hot minute.
It's time for you to put your foot down. If you're not ready for divorce, be clear with him, your son is not going to your MIL's anymore. If he doesn't like it, go ahead and file for divorce. Chances are that you will have joint legal custody, meaning decisions like childcare will have to be agreed on by both of you.
I do not think there is any advice anyone can give you. Your H cares more about his mothers feelings than your childs safety. You can divorce him, but your child will still get to see his grandmother. Regardless i couldnt live with a man who didnt give a crap about our child or me.
PP was right his is an asswipe.
I agree with this. I would have no trouble telling him that his mother isn't more important than me and that what I want will always come before what she wants, especially in situations that involve MY child. Remind him that, against your better judgment, you agreed to this in an attempt to compromise and it hasn't gotten any better, and that you are done.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm a pretty calm and respectful person, but this is one of those situations where I would absolutely blow up and starting yelling at him until he understood why your child's safety is more important than your MIL's feelings.
Ok, so he is every bad name you can call a person who endangers a child. You need to tell him if he is not going to protect your child then it is up to you. Point blank the child is not going over to MILs. Then you do not bring your child over there, you take him to daycare. It is up to you alone to watch out for him since together he refuses. Personally, after I ripped MIL a new one for half of the crap you posted she wouldn't want to watch my child.
You married an idiot, so make up for it and do not let your child suffer a harm to prove you were right about your MIL. I'd also document this stuff should it come to a divorce and he got visitation they would be supervised.
I agree with this. He possibly thinks of his mom as a good parent so he forgets her shortcomings or writes them off so that he doesn't have to change his idea of her (cognitive dissonance). Writing all of them down and putting them concretely in front of him will keep him from being able to do that and should shock him into seeing how bad it really is. And, he won't be able to conveniently ignore something permanent like writing.
If that still doesn't change anything, I'd say, yeah, just take him to daycare anyways, tell your MIL "Oh well, shape up," and get yourself and YH into counseling.
You should be more annoyed with Husband IMO! He is the one you have discussed these issues with & he seems to care too much about his poor mommies feelings than your feelings or your childs safety!
Its disgraceful & disgusting!
When will he realise you are right?? When your child cuts his finger off with a knife? When your child ends up in hospital because he has liked up the detergent?! In years when your child gets cancer becuase he inhaled second hand smoke for the first however many years of his life? Will he still just worry about his mom then!???
You need to stop this now becuase by letting your son go to this house, you too are unfortunatly putting your son in danger (even though you know its the wrong thing!)
Get your son out of there, put him in child care & let your MIL visit your son at your house when your there!
Focus your anger where it belongs - on your husband. Your MIL probably can't help being a moron, but your H knows the situation and cares more about mommy's pitching a fit than the safety of your son.
I would tell him IN NO WAY was his mom babysitting anymore. You don't want son with MIL, and your H can accept it or he can pack his bags and move in with mommy. Seriously - you need H to be more afraid of YOU getting angry than his mom.
As a compromise, you could have MIL as your "back up" when he is too sick to go to daycare (on things like pinkeye, where he is basically healthy and doesn't need someome smart taking care of him, but can infect the other kids - if he's really sick I would stay with him myself and not trust her). However, she has to be at your home.
I would probably be a bi!ch and tell him that if anything happened it was all on him. I woudl clearly state my disapproval.
My ex admitted to me that having his family care for our kids would have been an issue, but he later decided that they would care for our kids, even after he stated that being with them would be a hazzard. He had the same "that's how it will be attitude."
I think you have every right to be extremely pisssed with your H. However, I don't think yelling at him and making demands will change anything, simply because it's his mom. We all like to believe we can be reasonable and rational when it comes to our families (and some of the ladies out there are), but many of us struggle with dealing with our own family's crazy (ie all the posters who have to be told to limit or cut contact with XYZ family member) because you can become slightly blind to the crazy and and tolerant of what would otherwise be intolerable behavior. I think your H has blinders on to his mother's behavior simply because it's his mom and he doesn't want to think of her as a bad caregiver.
I think you and H need some counseling, but in the meantime maybe you could try to get him to think about the situation from a different perspective to get him to realize why DS can no longer go to MIL's. There's a few ways you could approach this: first you could ask him listing all the incidents you described to us, if this was going on at your mother's house instead of his how would he feel? He may try to deny that he has a problem with the behaviors in this situation because he so desperately does not want to admit he's wrong. Another approach would either be to list above incidents as if they happened at day care - would he continue to leave DS at daycare if this was the situation? Or if you're feeling like he's really got his head in the sand, make up a similar level of severity situation at tell him it happened at daycare and see if he doesn't want to pull DS out. Then say that didn't actually happen, but that's how I feel about MIL's house.
Even if he doesn't agree you definitely need to not let DS go to MIL's because it's not an if, but when he'll get hurt. GL!
You really didn't put your foot down if your H gets to insist. What happened is that you attempted to put your foot down, he put his foot down, and he won. MIL won. You lost. DS lost.
Who takes your DS to daycare? If it's you, stop bringing him to MILs. Arrange for the center to have DS full time, and arrange for the center to get paid - even if you withhold some of your money to "joint funds" in order to make that happn.
Call MIL and tell her that she is no longer needed. You are enrolling your child in full time daycare. Then tell her that safety was an issue, but that you wanted ds to get increased socialization.
If your DH complains, tell him you don't want your child to grow up a pansy momma's boy like he is, and that he is welcome to move out and be with his widdle mommy.
Regardless of who "wins" this fight, the two of you need marriage counseling. Not being on the same page on your child's care is a major issue.
Actions speak louder than words. I would enroll DS full time and coordinate his start date with MILs last date. Since your DH won't tell her, then I would. I'd simply say that a full-time spot opened at child care, you're taking it and ask if she'd be your back-up for center training days and/or sick days. I'd make it about whether or not she's willing to be a back-up respource or not. If she's pissed and says no, say "fine. got it." Leave it there.
Then I would drop DS at child care 5 days a week. If you husband steps-in and does drop-offs at grandma's, against your wishes, I would simply consider it a "gradma day" - something that happens from time to time, even though you are paying a full time rate. My parents and ILs have permission to have a DD even though I pay for care. Once in a while my parents visit and take her to the zoo. My MIL more apt to pick her up after her naptime and have a few hours in the park.
If you are PAYING for full time child care, it's going to seem more and more silly to your husband to be dropping your DS at her house all day. Time with grandma is reasonable, it doens't mean she's has to be your part-time child care provider.
seems as though the apple (your DH) didn't fall far from the tree (his mom).
as for the tv thing-let that go. grandmas are supposed to let kids do what they can't do at home and for a few hours-no big deal.
i agree with you on the other stuff though-not good. i would absolutely REFUSE to bring my child there (if i actually wanted a child) and would bring him to day care and to hell with DH's having a fit.
I think you need to get to the bottom of why he is giving in to her. Is he worried she will throw a fit and he will have to deal with it, do these incidents really not bother him or is it just too difficult/embarrassing for him to admit that his Mom is not fit to be caring for his child.
Figuring out exactly why he's ok with this will help you decide how to approach it with him. At 2 years old it's probably better for him to be interacting with other kids on a daily basis and doing activities designed to keep him stimulated anyway. Maybe if you take the tactic of it's better for our son to have the added social interaction rather than it's better for our son not to be around your dangerous, crazy mother, it would work better.
Good luck.
If this was me, I would write down all my complaints show it to MH, see how he reacts and go from there.
If he still is okay with his mom watching your child then I would go to a lawyer and file for divorse.
If he gets upset and agrees with you I would go from there. I would also include counselling as well with which ever choise you make.
I am not a mother but I think your childs life is more important than staying with a man. A child can not defend itself where as your husband is a big boy! (or at least he should be)