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DH and arousal...or lack thereof
Last weekend I wanted to have sex, came on to DH he quickly started responding kissing, fondling etc.. We moved to the bed and he started fingering me...after a few minutes I reached over to rub his *** and he was still completly soft. I honestly do not like playing with it when it is not at least a little bit erect.. so I just let myself enjoy for a few more minutes...I was getting close, so I reached over again..still completly soft. At that point I just lost interest and pulled away, I didn't mean to that was just how it made me feel.
Of couse he wanted to know what was wrong and when I told him he was like well you weren't touching me. He is 30, in good physical health except for drinking too much. Is this normal? Touching him always gets me excited but for him me being naked and aroused was doing absolutly nothing for him. Input please!
Re: DH and arousal...or lack thereof
He drinks too much?
Perhaps you should address that problem first. That would be a whole other thread.
If his lack of erections is routine, he's got another problem: he could have a ciruclatory problem, diabetes, a thyroid problem or a hormone deficiency.
If this has been routine, he needs to see a doc stat. His health is depending upon it and perhaps his life --- nobody wants to see a cardiac problem manifest in another way other then lack of erection. THe penis is the dipstick to a man's health. GL.
This is a one time thing or it happens all the time?
1 time = normal
ALL the time = needs to go see a doctor to make sure everything is okay physically.
How much is too much for the drinking?
How much is too much for the drinking?
When his spouse is complaining about it. That's a pretty good indicator that he drinks too much.
To the OP: I wouldn't put up with excessive drinking. You might want to pay a visit to AlANon and bounce the situation off them. AlAnon is for those whose loved ones have a problem with alcohol. GL.
He has stopped drinking for the moment. He probably drinks around 6 beers a night, never hard alcohol. But I know that is the primary problem. We have talked and argued about it often.
He can usually get erect when we are having sex but often has trouble finishing. I know he fakes it probably about 30 % of the time. He seems to think it is normal to need manual stimulation to get erect...I don't.
6 beers a night? THAT'S the problem right there. What man could ever function sexually on a full six pack a night? Unfortunately, the problem won't just go away with simply stopping the drinking. 6 beers a night is creeping into alcoholic territory, which means there will be many more emotional issues at hand.
I second Tarpon's suggestion, look into Al-Anon. If you've already been fighting over his drinking, it's definitely causing a problem, and your sex life is the least of these problems.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Good luck.
~ The Nestie formally known as MrsBrittany ~
What is his porn consumption? Have you put on substainial weight? Has his stress levels gone up recently? What change has happeded that would trigger the loss of interest.
6 beers a night is very excessive. It's nothing but empty calories.
I think it would be a good idea for him to stop in and see Alcoholics Anonymous.
You and he are arguing about it so yes, he's got a problem -- and alcohol is alcohol, whether it's in a wine spritzer, a beer or vodka or gin.
AlAnon for you too, like I said.
It would be a good idea for him to see a doc, also --- if this has been happening very recently, it may be a medical problem vs. a psychological one.
While I don't think 6 beers a night is grounds for dragging him to AA (I'm a lush myself, and I don't think numbers alone make you an alcoholic), it is more than enough to kill an erection. The term "whiskey d*ck" exists for a reason. My BF is an avid drinker and can become tipsy from 2 (very tame) beers if he hasn't eaten much that day.
Have him lay off of drinking for a week or two, purely for research purposes. It'll allow you to rule it out if this problem continues despite being sober.
That being said, different things turn different people on. It should go without saying that what turns you on isn't necessarily going to work for him, if purely because you're entirely different genders. Some guys need a certain touch to get them hard, or maybe oral stimulation. Maybe you weren't handling him the way he prefers, or, as it sounds, maybe your attempts were a little lackluster just this time (you don't sound like you were putting much into it). Maybe he has a death grip when he masturbates, requiring rougher handling to get him hard. That he'll have to condition himself out of.
Once a couple starts to argue about drinking and consumption of booze, thee's a problem.
Maybe he is drinking because he's bored and it's just something to do when he gets home. Either way, 6 beers a night is a lot and not only is it empty calories the cost of 7 six packs a week can put quite a dent into your wallet. That money's better spent elsewhere.
From the CDC website:
For men, heavy drinking is typically defined as consuming an average of more than 2 drinks per day.
According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism
binge drinking is defined as a pattern of alcohol consumption that brings the blood alcohol concentration (BAC) level to 0.08% or more. This pattern of drinking usually corresponds to 5 or more drinks on a single occasion for men or 4 or more drinks on a single occasion for women, generally within about 2 hours.3
What is the difference between alcoholism and alcohol abuse?
Alcohol abuse4 is a pattern of drinking that results in harm to one?s health, interpersonal relationships, or ability to work. Manifestations of alcohol abuse include the following:
Dependency on alcohol, also known as alcohol addiction and alcoholism4, is a chronic disease. The signs and symptoms of alcohol dependence include?
He doesn't use alot of porn, sometimes he looks up pictures online..he likes what he calls "normal" looking girls, not the porn star look. I am 5'8 and 125 lbs, more or less the same size I have been since we met. His stress has gone up lately, family problems, which may have in turn increased the drinking.
Also, I have to admit I have a weird thing with initiating. Obviously I want to or I wouldn't, but then after I do I have always had these thoughts of ...well maybe he doesn't want to be doing this right now. Which leads to me doing it less, and then he complains that I never initiate. This always seems to be the case, which leads to me initiating sex but then acting like I don't want to be the dominant one once it starts. Which I suppose is just an insecurity thing. Any hints on getting over this?
Thank you for all the input on his alcohol consumption. I guess I have partly allowed myself to stick my head in the sand concerning it. I knew it was excessive but I didn't want to lable in as alcoholism. If anything he is a highly functional alcoholic..except when it comes to sex. But he has agreed to work on it, and we will see how he does on his own. He has quit for months at a time before.
Thank you for all the input on his alcohol consumption. I guess I have partly allowed myself to stick my head in the sand concerning it. I knew it was excessive but I didn't want to lable in as alcoholism. If anything he is a highly functional alcoholic..except when it comes to sex. But he has agreed to work on it, and we will see how he does on his own. He has quit for months at a time before.
You need to get out of denial.
And he needs a 12 step program or an alcohol counselor.
AA calls any alcoholic who quits drinking on his own minust the help of AA a "dry drunk." this is somebody,that's not in recovery.
He cannot do this on his own -- I would make AA a must.
And AlAnon for you, stat. Your H has a drinking problem and you need a support group.
You women are completely, absolutely clueless.
First of all, 6 beers/night of a 4.2% abv macro lager over the course of 4-6 hours is not enough to bring your BAC to above .02 or .03. If it even reaches that high. 6/beers a night isn't enough information.
Also, AA is a religious, right-wing nut-job program that forces you believe in the invisible man in the sky and convinces you that you are powerless over your drinking "problem."
Second of all, he isn't touching you because you initiated it. Men rarely like to have the woman initiate sex. Men like to be in control. He probably has a lot on his mind and would rather drink a beer and watch a game than try to pleasure you.
I was a highly functioning alcoholic - a miserable purgatory I would not wish on my worst enemy. At the time I didn't think I could be a drunk because I didn't drink every night, and six beers was pretty typical when I did. The problem for me was that I was completely miserable when I was sober, and I never didn't get drunk after taking that first swig. I was a pretty nice, though increasingly sloppy drunk. I was a malignant SOB when I was not drinking. The disease, just like diabetes or hypertension, can have many different manifestations.
I got sober in AA ten years ago, because it was that or suicide for me. If your DH is an alcoholic, he will probably have to hit bottom like almost every other drunk before he is ready to give up his best friend/crutch. It isn't ever pretty. For better or for worse, this will all be up to him.
For the record, AA and Al-Anon are avidly apolitical and are spiritual programs, not religious. You will often hear those in recovery say religion is for those who don't want to go to hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there and don't want to go back.
Whut?!? This is a load of crap.
It's normal for someone drinking that much to not be able to get it up.
Uhh...what man DOESN'T like a woman to initiate sex?! I've never met a man who didn't love for the woman to take the reigns. Unless my husband is extremely exhausted or is sick, he's never not been enthusiastically responsive to me initiating things, and I'm sure the majority of women here can say the same thing.
Like others said, it comes down to either a case of whiskey d!ck (and her husband is probably drinking those 6 beers in less than 4-6 hours which WOULD make his BAC high) or he has unresolved issues of the mental variety. He very well could have a lot on his mind, but he's likely got some level of depression (probably contributing to the excessive drinking) or other issues which need confrontation and resolution.
Exactly.. I have a thyroid problem and I have never gotten a boner.
But I'm a chick... so...
Haha. Hah. ha... eh.