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Please help. My 10 yo dd and social situations
I feel bad posting something so personal about my dd on such a public board but I am going crazy with worry and google wasn't a big help.
My dd is very sweet - possibly too much so. She loves animals and is so sensitive. She has some learning disabilities that aren't noticable unless she has to read to you or has to follow simple directions. But in general she is easy going and kind so she is a favorite amongst my friends and family so any limitations don't seem like much when we are together and visiting relatives or friends.
The sad awful part is that my dd urinates herself anytime she is in a group of people. We have been good at covering up as I bring extra clothes and try and remind her discreetly to use the bathroom. But it still happens - and it is so embaressing for her. She just can't help it. (I hug her in private and help her clean up and NEVER EVER make her feel bad about it, but of course she does anyway)
I try talking to her and I spoke to our dr but it seems like this just will never end for her. It makes her even more shy and nervous and this makes the problem worse. I just don't know how to help. She is so terrified what others think... all. the. time. She can never just relax in public and be a child - she is a constant bundle of nerves.
Please help - it is breaking my heart...
Re: Please help. My 10 yo dd and social situations
What does your Dr. say about it?? Maybe see anopther dr? Maybe some counseling of it is a psychologiocal issue not physical.
I think some more medical advice is needed.
Have you talked to her pediatrician about her bladder issues? I don't have kids myself, so maybe a mum on the boards can confirm this, but I think kids her age (ages 7 to 11, yeah?) sometimes have incontinence problems. Basically their lower pelvic muscles haven't strengthened yet to stop themselves from urinating.
Do you think her social issues are due to her incontinence or vice versa? (Or do you think they're unrelated?).
eta: I found this website/article, and it addresses physical and emotional reasons for childhood incontinence. I hope it helps somewhat! http://www.kidneeds.com/diagnostic_categories/articles/uinaryincontinencechildren.htm
You need to get another doc involved -- I suggest a urologist.
She needs a full checkup.
Has she had a neurological workup also?
I know for a fact they are related - she never has this problem in situations she is used to. Home and school she is fine. It is only if we are visiting family or having a playdate or any social situation that is out of the ordinary.
Secretly I blame her daycare from years ago. She was only 4 and outside playing and the aide was by herself with all the children. My dd asked to go to the bathroom and the aide couldn't leave everyone else to take her in so she told her to pee behind a tree. She didn't tell right away but finally came home a week later and cried and finally told me the whole story and told me she felt like a dog. She was wrecked up over it and I went ballistic on the school and took her out and put her in a new daycare. I still feel like I failed her somehow back then. I have no idea if she even remembers it - she never brings it up but I always think about it and wonder...
Her dr tested her and she was fine but he said it was not entirely uncommon and she would outgrow it. In the meantime he said she should go every hour even if she didn't have to until she could learn her body's cues. That is where we are now... I suggested counselling but she is soooo against talking to anyone about anything. I took her a few years ago when her dad and I divorced and she hated it. She has NO trust in anyone but me. She wouldn't talk to them and eventually seemed ok so I took her out and figured we'd manage without external help. I think I'll try again - she is just mortified at the thought but I have to try...
It sounds like she needs therapy to handle the social anxiety. The incontinence issues might resolve after that.
What is she really good at? Have you tried getting her involved in something that she loves and can do well? Maybe the self confidence that comes from something like that will help her social issues.
What a hard thing for both of you.
If it was me, I'd want more information from my pediatrician. I've gone through several before finding one that really worked when one of my DDs was facing a problem. Consider looking for a developmental pediatrician if you don't already have one.
Finding a good therapist is something else you'llw ant to do asap. Her school counselor may have suggestions.
And I don't know if you've tried this but I've found that girlscouts has been really great for my DDs' confidence and social life.
She was only 4 and outside playing and the aide was by herself with all the children. My dd asked to go to the bathroom and the aide couldn't leave everyone else to take her in so she told her to pee behind a tree.
So the aide couldn't round all the kids up and take them in for a potty/drink break? I work in child care and give that a serious side eye. Plus telling her to pee behind a tree... she got fired for that, yes?
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
Ditto this.
Does she have any sleeping issues? how does she do in school?
I ask because I'm a sleep technician, lately there has been studies relating adhd, and behavior such as enuresis or "wetting themselves" linked to sleeping issues, such as sleep apnea. It may be far fetched, but however, it's worth the thought. I'd definitely bring it up to your doctor for sure. It could be a simple fix medication, therapy, etc.
If they just give you the brush off and say they will grow out of it, it's possible, but I'd get a second opinion - if it's embarassing for you both and causing her to be more sensitive, it is worth pushing and pursuing answers.
GL to you.
You need a good pediatric urologist to work on bladder training and an even better psychologist to determine what is going on emotionally. Bladdar issues and OCD are like PB&J in some kids. Social Anxiety Disorder or even autism could be part of this mix.
Well developing kids don't pee their pants.
I second on the pediatric urologist (for the bladder part), and possibly a neurologist (for the connection between social situations and urinating) as well.
Also, if you know she is going to be in a social situation, have you taken her to the bathroom beforhand so that she can empty her bladder and there is nothing to "void?"
Not a permanant solution, but maybe she can wear something like Poise (adult leak guard protection). If anyone asks what she is wearing she can always say it is a maxi pad.
Thanks again for all your help. It is such a relief to talk about this.
Here are some answers:
I spoke with her this morning about Poise and she seemed relieved that at least it won't show if she has an accident. I'll pick some up today on my way home.
She is in girls scouts and is considering quitting this year. Not for any reason just that she finds it boring. She has been in it since 1st grade and now that she is going into fifth grade I think she is kind of moving on.
She urinates whether I am there or not. Last weekend at a pool party she came home after with all her clothes soiled. She said she doesn't think anyone noticed. She is so humiliated by the whole thing.
To say she doesn't trust anyone but me sounds worse than it is. She is just super shy and keeps most of her feelings locked up. She loves people and has no issues being without me for a weekend here and there to be with friends. I think she just finds it hard to open up. I love love the idea of play acting for therapy. That would totally work. I will look into it today.
Nuerologist? I will start googling today. That is a link I never thought of.
Sleep? I think she is an awesome sleeper. Always in bed by 8:30p and sleeps till 7a with no issue. I think we're ok there.
Again - Thanks so very much.
She was fired! I was livid - my little girl had to pee in front of her peers, whether it was behind a tree or not means nothing to me. OH how I get angry all over again just thinking about it. She was such a mess for weeks - she even had dreams about it. Such a terrible thing... all of it
I second the play/art therapist. Your response that she didn't like therapy before because she doesn't trust anyone but you is a major red flag. It's great that she loves you, but a huge part of healthy development is learning to build relationships with other people. If she doesn't feel safe in all her social interactions that's probably where the physical problems come from. When kids don't have the language or insight to communicate their bodies find another way to express it.
In the meantime, get her a snazzy digital watch- let her pick out something in a cool color or fun style. Then help her set the watch with an alarm that goes off every hour, so she can keep track and get herself to the restroom whenever it goes off. This gives the control back to her, so that she's not relying on you to tell her when to go. It's all about making her feel like she has the control.
What happens when she's at school?
You have received some great advice.
I might also suggest a girl's therapy group. Some child therapists lead groups of 5-6 girls in talking about their issues. Your daughter might find a controlled supportive situation helpful in tackling this issue.
Good luck!
Jesmadi, I sent you a PM.
Poor little girl!
I think therapy sounds scary for a child (because if they were "normal", they wouldn't need a therapist and because the idea of talking to a stranger is mortifying) but in the end, often winds up being wonderful. And not just for the therapy but for the lessons - strangers don't always have to inspire anxiety.
And of course she only trusts you! She's ten, she's mortified and she needs her mum. There's nothing unexpected about that. Heck - I'm a well adjusted adult and if I were struggling with a problem like this, I'm pretty confident I wouldn't be trusting very many people to help me with it.
The really hopeful thing is that I'm sure this can be dealt with. A combo of specialists focused on her health and mental well being and she'll be a whole new little girl and can you just imagine how wonderful that will be for her? And in the meantime, I think that Poise underwear is a great idea. Who knows - the confidence that those bring might have an impact in and of itself!
It may be a dumb discussion, but can she use Depends in these limited circumstances? I would really say the therapist is critical though if you think she might be that upset years later from one experience.
I wish I had some helpful advice. Reading your post broke my heart! My daughter, who is 8, has a lot of social anxiety and issues revolving around that. And I can't tell you how many times I've said the same thing, that it breaks my heart. You want to do everything you can for those precious children and it can be difficult when you feel at the end of your rope.
I really hope that there is a solution to your heart break. It takes a really special person to understand shy children. But they grow into the most amazing, sensitive and sweet adults!
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