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MIL respect
My husband has a son from a previous marriage and before we got married, more often than not he and his son would stay at his mother's (my MIL's) house on the weekends he had his son. This was due to how far he lives from his ex. See his ex and mom live about a town away from each other, while he lives an hour away and I lived a hour away.
Now, this standing alone does not seem like such a bad thing. It seems very generous. However, you have to understand her relationship with my stepson. Because he slept over at her house for all these weekends, he is very attached to her. She spoiled him by giving him (even though he was two!!) fast food, soda, candy, buys him $40 shoes, fakes sick at work to have him for the day, and let him stay up until eleven without giving him any nap during the day and sleep in bed with her and her husband!!! Whenever he needed to be changed or fed, she would tell my husband to relax and she would take care of it. All she would let my husband do is play with his son. It was even at a point that when he was upset, he would ask for her, not my husband, his own father, and get upset if my husband tried to comfort him instead.
Once we got engaged, my husband and I talked about how her behavior had to change. My husband thought his mom would stop helping him if he told her how to take of his son, but over time, he and I have step by step gotten his mom to stop the junk food (when we're there to watch her) and put him to bed (in his own bed) at a decent time. It is irritating though because she will lie to my husband's face about what he's eaten or what time his son went to bed so we don't get upset. At my stepson's last birthday party, my MIL would not even let us help him open his presents -- she was taking presents out of my hands and telling people thank you!!!
Now that we are married, he and his son will obviously not be sleeping over at her house anymore. We agreed to this while we were engaged and he told her as much ( we told her we could stop by on Sundays for dinner). However, she is calling his ex to arrange her own weekends with his son! She is also planning weekend vacations and inviting us -- they are conveniently on the weekends when we have his son. We even wanted his son to sit at the head table with us at our wedding reception and she threw a fit and said no (!!) that she wanted him sitting next to her at her table. She got her way.
I really don't know how to deal with this. This is the only topic that I have conflict with her on -- she and I get along great as long as my stepson is not around. I have not publicly butted heads with her, but I have declined invitations to dinner at her house and staying over when I know his stepson will be there, because I cannot stand how she acts around him. I feel like she is not trying to foster a relationship between my husband and his son, but only making sure she has a bond with him. Any suggestions on how I can keep my cool and make sure my husband's bond with his son comes first??
Re: MIL respect
Horse is out of the barn but you should have indeed made sure his behavior changed before you got married at all.
The continuation of the engagement should have been based on that but too late now.
You have a 2 fold problem:
The biggest one is your H -- he can't stand up to his mother; HE is the parent, not HER
and
You need to stop enabling him; she got her way where he sat for the reception? Sure she did; you 2 wimps didn't stand up FOR YOURSELVES.
Your MIL does what she wants -- I don't agree with her "parenting" skills, either. She should realize your H is the parent and that whatever he wants GOES. Same rules, same ways of parenting as it would be if he was there and not her.
He needs to stand up to her and tell her tos top this as of now -- and any weekend visits unsupervised need to stop. Too bad if she is hurt, whines "but I'm his memom boo hoo..." Nope; he is the parent and what he says GOES.
Your son will also get the idea that his dad is a wimp and a pushover and he'll be a discipline problem if this bullshit doesn't stop now.
The youngster also needs to sit down with you and your H and be told "as of now, it's OUR RULES, not grandma's. We're your parents and she needs to respect our rules and do as we wish...and you need to be a team with us, not grandma."
Nothing is going to change unless your H changes it. He created a monster and now he has to fix it Unless he does so ASAP you re screwed.
I am still confused as to why you married him before this situation was fixed. Of course he said he was going to handle it AFTER you got married. You fell for that old line huh?
While I do disagree with the PPs who said you should have done something before you were married, you have to step up now. I don't think as a FI that you have that right with someone else's child.
Get on the same page with your husband and present a united front to his mother. You are his stepmother now so you do have rights here. Your H has to be there right beside you on this
You can BLAME you MIL for this, but you should look at the real problem - your H. He was perfectly ok with only taking care of his son for "the fun things," and not being a parent. If the situation were so terrible to him, he could have driven the 1 hour distance and avoided it. Your DH took the easy route - both with the distance and with his responsibilities as a parent.
Your H is the problem, and he needs to be the solution.
Of course MIL planned the trips during "dh's" weekends. I'm sure his mom doesn't want to voluntarily give up weekends with her son when she doesn't have to. How does your H feel? If he doesn't feel that it is healthy for your ss to have so many different rules (and you go crazy when MIL is babying ss), then he needs to tell her "sorry, a trip isn't in the cards for now." He can even tell her that he is setting up a routing for ss and her visits interfere with his routine. Your H can also stop the Sunday dinners. You can eat at your own home, your H can take his kid to McDonald's on the way back.
Your H has all of the power here. He can keep ss from his mom. Although I don't encourage keeping kids from people who love them, in your case your ss may be better off being weaned off of grandma so that she IS his grandma, and not the #2 parent that your h has refused to be.
My parents are OOT and I visit them for the weekend with my toddler, too. As the parent, it is MY responsibility to put my child down for naps and bedtime. It is my responsibility to make sure she eats good food and it's my responsibility to change diapers and kiss boo boo's. When my parents rush to do these things I gently tell that that "I've got it".
Everything you described is pretty typical grandparent behavior. And in moderation, isn't harmful. Let's be honest, what's not typical is that this father was so completely checked-out that he used his mother to take care of his son when he had weekend visitation. Why are you blaming your MIL for skipping naps and a propper bedtime when it was your DH responsibility to mange it?
Even now, you seem completely mystified as to how to tell her "No thanks, we have plans that weekend. DS won't be visiting with you." It sounds like MIL has been a valuable resource for child care for this child. She's been given permission and responsibility for day time and night time care. She's completely within her rights to call the child's mother and offer her time and home for visits. If you don't like the type of care she provides then STOP accepting the help. And when I say "you" I mean your husband, the child's father. He seems perfectly happy to have his mother parent his son and until THAT changes, there is nothing YOU can do.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Really?
She should most certainly be involved. It may not be her kid, but he is her stepson and as the stepmother, she will be part of a team that raises him along with her husband and the boy's biomom.
Your husband is RIDICULOUS! He's pushed off his responsiblities of parenting to his mother all these years, and now all of a sudden, wants to play "family" now that he's married??? He should have been a real dad from the beginning. His son barely knows him. I'd go to her (the grandma) for comfort too ... they have a much stronger, more loving relationship. And it's all your DH's doing. All her coddling is HIS fault.
He should have stepped up and been a real man and a real dad from day one!! If you can't drive for an hour to see your kid ... that's pathetic.
You see NOTHING from her (grandma's) perspective. She's had care of grandson all this time, grown very close to him, been given responsibility for him, fully, and all of a sudden, you all are ripping him away. It's not fair at all. She shouldn't have had to do it from the beginning. But because your DH created this situation, he needs to compassionately and fairly FIX IT. Time to step up loser dad.