Question for the Mammas re: people visiting

Mrs. Mo · June 2011

I know I don't have to worry about this for a few months but how did you tactfully let people know to contact you before they plan on coming to visit the baby while you are on maternity leave?

I know of a few people (esp. ILs) that tend to think that calling when they are down the street = giving enough notice. Maybe it's just me but I think it's rude to tell someone you are coming over vs. asking when the best time would be. Since they do it now, I know it will happen when I'm out on leave and they want to see the baby.

J has tried to explain it to them in the past but that's when they just started to call when they were down the street (apparently they didn't understand the concept of asking if it's ok to visit or when the best time would be). I know it's partly because his grandmother does it to them, so they think it's "ok" to do to us. Honestly, I hate nothing more than people showing up when I don't even have enough time to look presentable.

Since I will be trying to get her on a schedule and also sneeking in naps whenever she sleeps, I don't want people to just show up or tell me that they are on their way. What's the best way to deal with this without coming across as a total b!tch?

rach83 · June 2011

I think being direct is probably best. Either you or your H (or both) should talk to the IL's about expectations for visiting once baby is here. Tell them what you said above about getting her on a schedule and taking naps yourself, etc.

You can say something like "We're excited to have you visit and be a part of the baby's life but please understand that with all the adjustments we'll be going through, we'll need you to give us at least a one day notice (or whatever time period works for you) before you come to visit". I think any reasonable adult will understand that!

I would do the same for other friends or family who might be prone to dropping in unexpectedly.

MBMcC421 · June 2011

First, you need to start telling people how it is NOW when it comes to Gabby, or else they are going to walk all over you. Be a b!tch... you've deserved that. Your baby, your family... that's #1 now. ILs be damned. They'll have to learn, or else its going to be rough riding...

That all being said, you may want to think about being so adamant about people coming over. I only say this because when I was on maternity leave, especially towards the beginning, I was exhausted, so I was welcoming the visitors, especially if they were willing to watch Sami so I could nap.

All I'm saying is don't stress about it now... it will all fall into place. But just make sure you make sure people know how you feel when the time comes, or you're going to be miserable.

rach83 · June 2011

Lol. I just realized you were asking moms what they did:) Oops!

amelianguy · June 2011

Yep. Sorry, but you're going to have to take a stand here. Tell them what's what, and if they don't like it, sorry! Your baby is your number one priority and you can't have a bunch of people up in your house while she's trying to adjust.

Mrs. Mo · June 2011

MBMcC421:

First, you need to start telling people how it is NOW when it comes to Gabby, or else they are going to walk all over you. Be a b!tch... you've deserved that. Your baby, your family... that's #1 now. ILs be damned. They'll have to learn, or else its going to be rough riding...

That all being said, you may want to think about being so adamant about people coming over. I only say this because when I was on maternity leave, especially towards the beginning, I was exhausted, so I was welcoming the visitors, especially if they were willing to watch Sami so I could nap.

All I'm saying is don't stress about it now... it will all fall into place. But just make sure you make sure people know how you feel when the time comes, or you're going to be miserable.

Certain people I would welcome the help from but those that like to show up unannounced are the same people who tend to critize every.little.thing I do. Also, they have not have any experiance with a baby for 30+ years and their own daughter didn't even trust them to come over to watch her DD while she napped. So, to be fair, I think I'll have to have the same "ground rules" for everyone.

macdidlyicious · June 2011

I'm a tad worried about this myself but more on the end of people wanting to stay with us to "help out". Their idea of helping out is holding babies while momma cleans and cooks for them and that really isnt going to work for me. As much as I would like some help, the people that would offer are people who have very different ideas on how to care for a baby than I do. The last thing I need is someone doubting my skills as a new mom right after I give birth and telling me how they did things. I think we may have to flat out ask for a week alone to adjust to our new family after the initial meeting her at the hospital.

billyandsara · June 2011

I was honest and told ppl ahead of time what was going to happen. I also told ppl when they called to say they were coming over whether or not it was ok. I was nice about it but did what was best for us.

MBMcC421 · June 2011

macdidlyicious:
I'm a tad worried about this myself but more on the end of people wanting to stay with us to "help out". Their idea of helping out is holding babies while momma cleans and cooks for them and that really isnt going to work for me. As much as I would like some help, the people that would offer are people who have very different ideas on how to care for a baby than I do. The last thing I need is someone doubting my skills as a new mom right after I give birth and telling me how they did things. I think we may have to flat out ask for a week alone to adjust to our new family after the initial meeting her at the hospital.

This. My mom was actually really great about this. She took a week off of work to come help me once Chris went back, and she was there to help me out with everything else around the house so that I could focus on Sami. I really think that's the way to do it... you need the time to focus on your newborn, chores be damned! I was so grateful...

rach83 · June 2011

macdidlyicious:
I'm a tad worried about this myself but more on the end of people wanting to stay with us to "help out". Their idea of helping out is holding babies while momma cleans and cooks for them and that really isnt going to work for me. As much as I would like some help, the people that would offer are people who have very different ideas on how to care for a baby than I do. The last thing I need is someone doubting my skills as a new mom right after I give birth and telling me how they did things. I think we may have to flat out ask for a week alone to adjust to our new family after the initial meeting her at the hospital.

These are my thoughts exactly. I've already discussed with Josh just having the first week to ourselves as a new family. I'm sure MIL (and others) coming to visit would want to tell me how to do things and I'd probably just end up flipping out:)

macdidlyicious · June 2011

Totally, Rach. I'm way too sensitive for that kind of thing. I would flip if I had someone standing over me saying "oh...thats not how I did it" or "you're holding that baby too much!" (my mom loves this line). Plus I'll be figuring out how to nurse and the last thing I want is to have to hide away in my bedroom because there are people here I'd rather not show my engorged boobies to.

rach83 · June 2011

macdidlyicious:
Totally, Rach. I'm way too sensitive for that kind of thing. I would flip if I had someone standing over me saying "oh...thats not how I did it" or "you're holding that baby too much!" (my mom loves this line). Plus I'll be figuring out how to nurse and the last thing I want is to have to hide away in my bedroom because there are people here I'd rather not show my engorged boobies to.

Exactly, me too!

Mrs. Mo · June 2011

macdidlyicious:
I'm a tad worried about this myself but more on the end of people wanting to stay with us to "help out". Their idea of helping out is holding babies while momma cleans and cooks for them and that really isnt going to work for me. As much as I would like some help, the people that would offer are people who have very different ideas on how to care for a baby than I do. The last thing I need is someone doubting my skills as a new mom right after I give birth and telling me how they did things. I think we may have to flat out ask for a week alone to adjust to our new family after the initial meeting her at the hospital.

Agreed ! If someone tries to tell me how they did things, I think I'll burst into tears. Just because that's what they did (or think they remember doing) 30+ years ago doesn't mean it's the only way for it to be done. I'm hoping to use our dogs as an excuse as in "I need some time to adjust to caring for the baby and dealing with the dogs" or "I still need some notice even if you want to quickly drop something off (ie an excuse to want to see the baby) b/c if she's sleeping, the dogs will wake her up when they see you walking down the driveway"

MBMcC421 · June 2011

rach83:

macdidlyicious:
Totally, Rach. I'm way too sensitive for that kind of thing. I would flip if I had someone standing over me saying "oh...thats not how I did it" or "you're holding that baby too much!" (my mom loves this line). Plus I'll be figuring out how to nurse and the last thing I want is to have to hide away in my bedroom because there are people here I'd rather not show my engorged boobies to.

Exactly, me too!

Eh, you'd be surprised at how quickly your sense of modesty might disappear around those you know and love.

macdidlyicious · June 2011

MBMcC421:
rach83:

macdidlyicious:
Totally, Rach. I'm way too sensitive for that kind of thing. I would flip if I had someone standing over me saying "oh...thats not how I did it" or "you're holding that baby too much!" (my mom loves this line). Plus I'll be figuring out how to nurse and the last thing I want is to have to hide away in my bedroom because there are people here I'd rather not show my engorged boobies to.

Exactly, me too!

Eh, you'd be surprised at how quickly your sense of modesty might disappear around those you know and love.

I think this is true eventually but not at first, at least for me. I have no problem with BFing in public I just dont really want my MIL watching me or my mom telling me I'm latching her wrong while I'm juggling a boob and a crying baby. Once I get the hang of it, no problem.

amelianguy · June 2011

MBMcC421:
rach83:

macdidlyicious:
Totally, Rach. I'm way too sensitive for that kind of thing. I would flip if I had someone standing over me saying "oh...thats not how I did it" or "you're holding that baby too much!" (my mom loves this line). Plus I'll be figuring out how to nurse and the last thing I want is to have to hide away in my bedroom because there are people here I'd rather not show my engorged boobies to.

Exactly, me too!

Eh, you'd be surprised at how quickly your sense of modesty might disappear around those you know and love.

This is the TRUTH. EVERYONE has seen my boobies now. MIL, BIL, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, EVERYONE.

Also, Ang, if you cry every time someone gives you unsolicited advice, you're going to be crying a LOT. Just know that your opinion and the opinion of your husband are the only ones that matter, and do what works best for your family. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for that.

MBMcC421 · June 2011

macdidlyicious:
MBMcC421:
rach83:

macdidlyicious:
Totally, Rach. I'm way too sensitive for that kind of thing. I would flip if I had someone standing over me saying "oh...thats not how I did it" or "you're holding that baby too much!" (my mom loves this line). Plus I'll be figuring out how to nurse and the last thing I want is to have to hide away in my bedroom because there are people here I'd rather not show my engorged boobies to.

Exactly, me too!

Eh, you'd be surprised at how quickly your sense of modesty might disappear around those you know and love.

I think this is true eventually but not at first, at least for me. I have no problem with BFing in public I just dont really want my MIL watching me or my mom telling me I'm latching her wrong while I'm juggling a boob and a crying baby. Once I get the hang of it, no problem.

My mom never breastfed so I guess I never had that to worry about. I did go into the nursery when MIL was around, but she wasn't around much to help anyway.... *bitter aggravation here*

rach83 · June 2011

I don't know. I've always been pretty modest. I know lots of people say that changes after you give birth and maybe it does BUT I still don't want MIL around when I'm learning to breastfeed. She'll just have too much to say and cause problems for sure.

Plus, I have to go up 2 flights of stairs to get to the baby's room, I'm guessing that might not be so comfortable while I'm still healing from the birth. I guess in the beginning I just want to be able to breastfeed wherever I want and not worry about who's there watching my bewbs come out of my shirt every hour:)

Question for the Mammas re: people visiting

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