Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Wedding Question
I just had a baby in March and my Brother in law is getting married soon. The wedding is out of town, and my husband is the best man, I am violinist, and my baby is one of the flower girls. I received an invitation to the rehearsal dinner that says adults only and an invitation to the family only dinner the following night-also for adults only. I realize that this is the bride's decision, but I am a little frustrated. I have gone along with everything-the ugly dress my baby has to wear, the music I have to practice for free with a newborn baby in the house, buying a suit for my husband, staying in a hotel for two nights, going to the rehearsal on my birthday, and having to show up BEFORE the rehearsal to practice with the singers. UGH! Am I wrong for being a little mad?
Re: Wedding Question
All you had to say was no; and poof, you didn't. You said yes. You smiled, and said "SURE! WE"D LOVE TO!!!" instead of saying 'you know,it's going to be too much with a newborn in the house; we'll just come as guests if that's ok".
Yes, she has to wear the ugly dress; and yes, they get to specify that they don't want babies at their dinner or reception. Though why they want a newborn as a flower girl is beyond me, as is why you agreed to this. Yes, your dh has to dress nicely, and if he felt he had to wear a suit and buy a new one, well, that's your business. If you have to travel and stay in a hotel, well, that's what you have to do. Of course you have to go to the rehearsal on your bday, which you should have had a clue about given the date of the wedding. None of these are unforeseeable or insurmountable things. If you feel you cannot attend, speak up now, and back out; and be more careful as to the things you agree to.
Have you asked them if you can bring your baby along to those adult-only dinners? Maybe they would be willing to make an exception since you and your DH are so involved in their big day. If they say no, then I would politely tell them that you are going to have to strongly reconsider your involvement.
Although you did sign up for all of the above, I would find it rude of them if they didn't allow you to bring your child to the events. She's in the wedding so it's not like you can leave her at home for those two days.
Feed Me!**
Are you sure she is not invited? I've had family members that had "adults only" wedding, but had children from the family in the wedding who were invited to the reception/rehersal dinner. It's strange they would have your daughter in the wedding, but wouldn't invite you w/out a guest.
My sister was in a similar situation where her baby was not invited to a wedding we went to so her and her husband rented a room in the hotel where the wedding was being held and they each took turns watching the baby while the other enjoyed the wedding.
I agree- clarify about your DD. Many times people will make exceptions for newborns.
But if they don't, you can say "Well, that unfortunately creates a problem for us. If she can't come to the dinners, one of us won't be able to go either. As such, it's probably best if DD and I I back out of the wedding and DH comes on his own.".
They are allowed to say "no kids", but a consequence of that is that some people (even those who are supposed to be IN the wedding) may not be able to come.
While I fully support saying "no kids", I don't understand the logic of "oh- lets include this child in the wedding but we won't invite them to the dinner". That absolutely puts the parents in a rough situation - what are you supposed to do w/ your child, then? And as you all are traveling, getting a sitter isn't an easy thing to do - if you'd even want to do that!
If you do need to back out, dont' be pissy about it, though. Just be matter of fact and gracious about it. Either they'll be pissed at losing you and DD, or they'll realize the position they are putting you in and will decide to make an exception.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
"I have gone along with everything-the ugly dress my baby has to wear, the music I have to practice for free with a newborn baby in the house, buying a suit for my husband, staying in a hotel for two nights, going to the rehearsal on my birthday, and having to show up BEFORE the rehearsal to practice with the singers. UGH! Am I wrong for being a little mad? "
All of these things are MORE than very reasonable things you should want to do for a sibling when they get married...
the ONLY part that would annoy me is requesting adults only to out of towners who will have a hard time finding childcare in a new area (unless you know people if which case you are being ridiculous)
It may be that your daughter is invited to these invites since she is a part of the wedding party (like adults only except the flower girl, this is what I did) I would reply yes for one adult to each event. Either you should stay in the hotel with your daughter (order room service, enjoy) for both events (since it's his brother) OR you can each attend one. If the events themselves are in the hotel, then take turns.
No, you're not wrong if they don't allow your baby to be at the dinners. They are asking the baby to be one of the flower girls, so she ought to be invited to each wedding event - it's incredibly rude to ask you to involve her in the ceremony and then expect you to take her away someplace afterward. If they really didn't want children present, then they should've mentioned that from the very beginning and not asked her to be a FG, so that you could've made a more informed decision as to whether to participate.
That being said, maybe it's just a generic invitation, and they're making an exception for family members' children or infants. Call her and ask. If she says that your baby is not welcome, then you may want to say, "In that case, it's just going to be too inconvenient for us. We think it's best if I just graciously decline the wedding, and Husband attends by himself. Thanks for understanding." Don't elaborate, explain, apologize. Just say this and then end the conversation. In fact, it's probably better if your husband makes the call (asusming it's his brother), or if you do it together.
It also seems like you let them step over you quite a bit during all this. You didn't "have" to do any of this stuff ... if you paid for the FG dress then you should've spoken up and said that you'd prefer to look at some other styles. You could've asked to be paid for your music services, and said that you can only stay for one night in a hotel rather than two. You could've said, "Sorry, that rehearsal schedule won't work for me - I can rehearse on [dates]." Your husband could've said, "I already have a plain suit that'll work" or "The price of this suit is too high, let's work together to find something similar for a lower price." They're wrong if they're taking advantage of you, but if you allow them to do so then of course they're going to exploit that.
I was in a similar situation, but I was the bride to be. My wedding was to be child friendly. Someone in the wedding party would have had a child there under the age of 6 months. All children were going to attend all dinners, etc. I wanted them there. The person with the young child wanted to enjoy the wedding and had already set up (prior to the birth of the child) someone to care for the baby.
If the person cannot understand why you cannot attend without your child - then don't go. They can't have it all. And IMO, you've done enough already.
If you are coming in from out of town and bringing your child because she is in the wedding, she should be allowed to attend all the events. What else do they expect you to do with her?
Or, you could be snarky and bring her, but never bring her in the room. Take turns with your DH the whole night sitting with her out in the hallway for 10 minutes at a time. If anyone asks why, say you weren't allowed to bring her to the dinners and you have nothing else to do with her.
I get the "they get to decide NO KIDS".... but Yes.... I would definitely be giving the side eye to the NO KIDS request on the rehearsal dinner since YOUR DD is in the wedding and has to be at the Rehersal. Call. Explain the situation... tell her politely you will not be able to attend the rehersal, the rehersal dinner, or the Family dinner after the wedding because someone needs to be with the New Born.
No you are not wrong in being irritated.... I would be.... and I don't even have children.
As far as the dress and all the other stuff .... that comes a long with being part of a wedding so you will just have to suck it up.... or drop out.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
This is your husband's brother, right? Why doesn't your husband just call him and explain the difficulty? Maybe they'd be willing to make an exception for your daughter or help you figure out a babysitter. Things sometimes fall through the cracks during the mess of planning a wedding. While I wouldn't recommend bugging a casual acquaintance about the no-kids rule, this is a close family member, and it's better to have a simple conversation than to stew or cause hurt feelings because of something that might just have been an oversight.
If they can't/won't help you, then yes, one of you might have to back out.