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How do I shake this lady? Another MIL Vent
My MIL has good intentions and she's a nice lady. However, she's overbearing. I feel like she doesn't give me any opportunity to be independent. DS is 4 weeks old. She constantly acts like having a baby is so difficult, if not impossible. She acts like I'm Kate Gosselin with 8 kids or something. He is a healthy baby and I am not even working. I think I can handle it.
I constantly have to curtail her efforts to come over and "help out" or deny IL's too frequent invitations to "come over for dinner"- once per week is plenty. It's exhausting to spend every single day dodging bullets from IL's so I can live my own life. Before you ask, DH sees nothing wrong with this. He thinks both our parents should be as involved as possible but understands that I don't feel the same way.
I don't want to insult anybody or seem unappreciative, but enough is enough! I want to live our own life!
Re: How do I shake this lady? Another MIL Vent
I agree- set up a schedule.
And even though your DH doesn't agree, you say he "understands". If he REALLY understands, then he'll back you up. He needs to tell his mom "we're thrilled you're excited, we want you to see DS, we want you to be involved. However, we also need our own time to adjust and to spend time together as a family. We'll call you to get together!".
Again- he doesn't have to agree w/ this, but I realy think he needs to step up and back you up on this issue.
And honestly- YOU need to stop answering the phone! They call daily? Don't answer. They ask why you don't answer? "I've been busy w/ DS". period.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I would start by letting her know that she is not doing you any favors, and then providing an opportunity to see the baby on your terms.
Something along the lines of "I really don't need any help with the baby, but if you'd like to visit (or, go for a walk in the park with us) we'd love to see you for an hour before naptime.
Depending on who you are dealing with accepting "help" (even when you don't need it) leads to a feeling that you "owe" that person a favor. Nip that in the bud.
IMO, going over to someone else's house for dinner is more exhausting than cooking dinner.
You might also give her the benefit of the doubt. If you had a c-section only one month ago, I would assume you weren't 100% yet. It takes time to recover!
I think you have been given great advice so far, but I did have several additional thoughts while reading your post.
1. I would imagine that your MIL is just trying to be helpful and that ultimately her main goal is to spend more time with her grandchild. That doesn't mean you have to have her over 24/7, but I would keep that in mind when you begin to get frustrated. Of course I don't know her, but I would imagine that it's not that she doesn't think you can handle being a mom, but that she just wants to spend time with your baby and wants to make sure you have any support that you need. Heck, maybe she even had a tough time after she had your DH and is thinking back on that time, and acting how she wishes her own MIL would have. Who knows.
2. Granted I don't have kids, but I don't think there is any shame in admitting that sometimes you may need help. Obviously I don't have first-hand experience, but I imagine that there are times when every new mom just needs time to shower, sleep or go out grocery shopping alone. That doesn't mean you can't handle being a mom.
3. Along the lines of #2 and some suggestions by other posters, why not try to proactively schedule time for your MIL to come over. Assuming she's a normal person and you trust her with your child, you could ask her to come over once or twice each week to babysit for a few hours while you run errands or just catch up on sleep. I think there is a happy medium here between what you want and what your DH wants, and that there is a way to involve your MIL without adding more stress to your life.
You and your H really, really need to get on the same page regarding the level of family involvement.
I'm like you - I didn't want a lot of company - even well meaning company - those first 2-3 months home with DS. I just wanted to be left alone, to sleep when he slept and to learn how to take care of him and not have to worry about anyone else but the two of us.
Going to someone's house for dinner once per week? F no. Especially not with a 4 week old. Especially not when I hadn't slept longer than 2 hours at a time in weeks.
Your H MUST have your back on this, and be strong in doing so. If he's being wishy-washy about it, you're sunk and will always either be the bad guy or resentful at how you're being trodded over.
But out of curiosity - are the rules the same for your own mother?
When she was having babies a C-Section meant staying in the hospital for days and not lifting anything "heavier than a teacup" for a month so she is probably thinking that you are superwoman.
And she's super excited about her grandchild and probably thinks that the best way to spend time together is by offering to help out.
And there will be a time when you will want her help. Tey to set up a schedule for some baby and Grandma time tell her that you really appreciate her support but need to have some time to figure things out but maybe every Wednesday or whatever could be a good set time to get together.
So... as far as my own parents are concerned, they can be equally annoying, but if they are, I, as their daughter, can step up to them and say, "Thank you, but I SAID I'm all set for help! Don't ask me again please!" In addition, they only visit weekly, which is fine.
I realize that MIL just wants to see her grandchild. That's why we make it a point to go over once per week for dinner. This is our scheduled time together. We stay for hours. I don't love the idea, but I think it's fair. Plus, she's a fabulous cook.
MIL is "give an inch, she'll take a mile" type, so if I tell her to meet us in the park before naptime, for example, she'll start coming up with other ways for us to see each other during the day...
As far as answering the phone, I don't answer every call. However, I do answer DH's calls, and he'll say something like, "my mom is on her way over- she picked up some meat for us that was on sale and wants to drop it off". Again, very sweet, but intrusive, and uh- we're perfectly capable of picking our own groceries. Can't she just leave me a vm saying it's on sale? Or keep it at her house for 2 days until we're there for dinner? Grrrrrr..... I don't deny that DH should deal with this, but he thinks it's very harmless...and I look like the bad guy calling MIL a pain in the ass.....
MIL is a nice lady, and I appreciate all that she tries to do. I just want some SPACE!
Yeah- your DH needs to back you up better. Just because you're home isn't a reason to tell his mom to come by. He needs to be on YOUR SIDE. Not his moms side. You're a new mom w/ a newborn. Your DH simply HAS TO BACK YOU UP.
But... she bought you meat. So what?? Let her. Yes, you can buy your own, but she's doing you a favor. My parents basically kept me fed for 6 months after I had DS! My mom makes a lot of food for just her and my dad, and she would bring us the left overs. I LOVED it. LOVED it. While on leave and adjusting to having a baby, not having to worry about what I was going to eat was wonderful. Then, when I had to go back to work and adjust to that (and having a DH who wasn't home at night alot) - it was still so wonderful to have that food waiting for me.
And, this also goes to the "little boy who cried wolf" issue. Focus on what's really important - her coming over all the time, over extending her visits, etc. Let the crap like "she bought us MEAT!" go.
The less you gripe to your DH, the more he'll hear you..... Trust me.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I totally get where you're coming from.
But I married a man who felt similarly, and so there was no need to negotiate this with him or try to get him to see things from my POV. He would have never told his mom to just "stop by" the house when I was on maternity leave, and would have never agreed to hauling our newborn over to his mom's for weekly dinners. Have you ever asked your H how he would feel if it were your parents randomly stopping at the house when he wasn't feeling great? And how he would feel if you didn't care how he felt about it?
"Honey, I'm still in my pj's, so you are going to have to call your mom back and tell her to just leave the stuff on the porch. I am not fit for company. love you, bye, click".
or... "Honey the baby and I are laying down for a nap so I am turning off the doorbell, call her back and tell her to just leave it on the porch".
Then, DON'T answer the door! Your DH and MIL will get sick of that game fast if you don't cooperate.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yup... I've done these things. When I don't answer the phone, my very nice MIL kindly leaves groceries, spaghetti sauce, or whatever else on our front steps or back deck. She doesn't even mind. It's not the worst thing in the world. She's a sweetheart for sure. But she doesn't recognize that all I really want is some PRIVACY! Plus, I'd only be human to feel badly after this happens more than a few times. Ugh
Once in a while, she dies down with the visiting thing, and she just calls. Even then, we're having a normal conversation about how unbelievable it is that it's Oprah's last show, and the next thing I know, it's trap to invite me and baby over to watch it with her! OMG I didn't even see it coming! I feel bad that I can't even chit chat with the lady. I do like her, but as my MIL... not my BFF
You have a voice too. Use it! I get that her pushiness is annoying, but you CAN say "no" to her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10