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MIL Questions
So my hub and MIL haven't spoken since a little after our wedding. He made some comment that made her mad and even though he apologized profusely, she has cut off contact with him. This is typically her style, having done this to him before. She has spoken to his older siblings about her issues and has brought up things from over ten years ago that she still has not gotten over.
I can tell it bothers him, but he is stubborn and won't make the first move. It is affecting our family now because his mother won't speak to our daughter either. She is 8 years old and doesn't understand the way the adult mind works. So she just feels neglected and like she did something wrong. I do everything I can do discourage that thinking, since she is perfect and wonderful. But now, I'm sort of at a loss.
I don't have a ton of family. And what I do have seems to be plagued with issues left and right. I try to stay out of things as much as possible, but sometimes family just doesn't let you. And even if they did, I'm not sure that I want to just let things go. This wedge between hub's mom and him is causing a separation between the whole family. His sister and brother are distant and when you confront them and ask why, they give some excuse about being busy.
Any suggestions on how to proceed? Or is this a situation where I keep my head down and nose clean and move on?
Re: MIL Questions
Why should your husband continue to "work" at a relationship when his mother isn't meeting him halfway? Seriously - she's taking a petty argument that she had with him out on your child? Why in the world do you want to be around someone like this?
If she has done it before, she will likely do it again. So mending the fences this time only gives her another opportunity to hurt your family again. She will continue to do this until you all put a stop to it. She doesn't have the power/control here - you and your DH do.
Are you in counseling? You can't force these people to be something they aren't and it seems to me like you want them to replace your own dysfunctional family.
And really- if grandma suddenly does want to mend fences, I'd actually be very very wary of it and I'd be blunt w/ her. The game playing has to end. The silent treatments have to end. She's the adult here and you won't subject your DD to her behavior anymore. If she can't find a better way to deal w/ being mad, then you all would rather her continue to not be in your lives....
Right now she's playing this game and what are you and your DH doing? Running around trying to figure out how to appease her and make her happy. As doglove said - you're GIVING her all the power, but really.... you have the power here. Youjust need to choose to use it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your husband apologized profusely and she still won't talk to him. That is her choice and her problem. His sister and brother have chosen to remain distant and take the mom's side on issues.
Your MIL is being childish for ignoring your daughter as this has nothing to do with her at all.
Why would you want to mend a relationship and have these people in your life when they don't want to be and choose to hold grudges for things that happened 10 years ago?
I would focus on your family and don't worry about proceeding with anything as far as those people go.
Your husband did make the first move- he apologized to her for what he said, and she is the one who is refusing to put the issue to rest. If she's bringing up stuff from 10 years ago, that tells me she's probably not a reasonable person. Your husband is not being stubborn by distancing himself from her, he's being smart. He's refusing to be her doormat. It's very likely that his siblings are not close to him because they're still under their mom's control and she gets angry when they don't take her side.
As far as your daughter goes, just tell her the truth: that she has done nothing wrong and the reason you don't spend a lot of time with grandma is that she isn't a very nice person. I think this is an excellent opportunity to show your daughter that people can only treat you poorly if you let them, and that you're not obligated to put up with manipulation and emotional abuse just because you share DNA with someone.
You aren't obligated to be friendly or close to someone just because they're family. If your MIL is selfish and pigheaded enough to cut your husband out of her life over a silly little argument, then you're all better off without her toxicity in your lives.
It's your husband's family, so if he feels it's best to cut their relationship then that's his call. Like you said, stay out of it. I'm sorry that you don't have a lot of family, but you shouldn't encourage your husband to put up with his mother's B.S. just for the sake of having a family. Friends can be family, too, so you should surround yourselves with people who truly love and care for you and respect you. Someone doesn't have to be a blood relative to be an important part of your life.
I'm sorry this is affecting your daughter. Like PPs said, tell her the truth (but be classy about it) - sometimes, families don't get along, and so it's better for everyone involved if they just don't talk to each other. Remind her that she's done nothing wrong, and that you and your husband love her very much and will always be there for her. If she is still affected by this situation, speak to her school counselor or research a family counselor to help her/all of you. Renegade has a good point, that this can serve as a lesson to her that she isn't ever forced to put up with someone (even a relative) treating her badly.
And I'm no psychologist so take this with a grain of salt, but IMO it'd be MORE troubling for your daughter if you and/or your husband were trying to repeatedly reach out to your MIL and beg her forgiveness, and MIL was still ignoring you or being mean. Not only is that going to show your daughter that she ought to grovel to someone who's treated her badly, but I think in her mind it would imply that the three of you are the ones in the wrong and MIL is punishing all of you for being wrong. But telling your daughter flat-out, "Grandma doesn't get along with Daddy and me, so we've decided it's best that we don't speak, but you've done nothing wrong and it's wrong of Grandma to not speak to you just because she's mad at Daddy."
Thanks for all of the advice, ladies. I think you are absolutely right. And it is a great time to teach my daughter such a valuable lesson. It's difficult for me sometimes to get over the hurt. Especially when I think of how she has made us feel. But that should be something that I use sort of as ammunition to never treat people that way.
I don't know if that makes sense. But her mother has treated her exacty the way she is treating my husband. And I don't ever want to be that way. So I'll just use this as a learning experience! Take all of your advice and just move on. Still hard sometimes when it is family, but it really is in the best interest of everyone involved, right?
Feed Me!**
But to what you said above - even more so... why do you want to continue this cycle w/ her when it involves your DD? even more so, I stand behind what I said before. IF she "comes around" again, you and your DH need to draw a VERY clear line in the sand - you're done w/ her games. If she pulls this crap one more time, then she will not be a part of your or DD's lives.
Because if it is allowed to continue, your DD will learn on some level that this behavior is acceptable.
You may not be able to change MIL, but if you all at least stand up to her and tell her it's unaccpetable, then your DD will see that and will see that people who treat you like that aren't a part of your lives.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I just want to expand upon that. I grew up with a pretty horrible stepgma. She continuously insulted everyone in our family including the children. However, no one ever stood up to her. We all just played nice and let her get away with her bad behavior all for my grandfather's sake and for the sake of family. So at a young age I learned that pretending to get along with people was more important than feelings and respect. Pretty much that people were allowed to treat me like crap and there was nothing I or my parents could do about it.
Looking back I wish I would have learned the opposite lesson, that when people treat you badly they won't be part of your life.
All of this!
I think your DH is handling things quite well. If you want a suggestion on how to proceed it would be to support him better. Its quite obvious from your post, specificially that he's being "stubborn" that you don't approve of how he is handling himself. Plus, you add a good deal of guilt to the matter that the rest of the family is distancing themselves, to which he has NO control. And the guilt about your little girl blaming herself.
Give the guy a break. It sounds like his mother is an asshat. That's not going to change no matter how much crap he takes from her.
Exactly. It took your husband a great deal of courage to stand up to his mother and break the cycle of emotional blackmail. He needs you to act like a real partner and team member and not a teenager who is desperately trying to get everyone to like her again.
I don't agree that I'm making him feel guilty for it. I just know that it hurts him to not speak with her and I want to help. I don't particularly care about having a relationship with her, especially after all of this. But I know that it makes him upset to not speak with her and I'd love to be able to help. I referenced him as stubborn because he is, as I am. Although perhaps you are right and in this situation, I should put those things aside and be more supportive.
Perhaps I didn't explain things correctly though. I don't really discuss my concern or hurt feelings with him over this issue because of the fact that I don't want him to feel as though it is his fault. Typically, I turn to friends with any sort of vents or concerns I have. When he wants to discuss it, I do lend an open ear.
As for things with his siblings, we both know that it is their problem and not ours. That is how they are, very similar to their mother.
But I do appreciate all of the suggestions and advice. I'm a newly wed and so I really like to hear what I can do to be a better wife! I often doubt myself in that duty and so I really am grateful to get this sort of advice from you ladies. It hadn't really occurred to me that perhaps I wasn't being the most supportive wife. Or maybe it had, but I was too busy trying to fix things! Which isn't always helpful.
Feed Me!**
HE needs to see that an example is being set here that your DD is witness to that is NOT GOOD OR HEALTHY. HOnestly, I think he needs to get ANGRY about what his mom is doing vs being "hurt" that they don't have a typical mother/son relationship.
And this isn't easy - I know that. But I think the help he may need is the help to understand that what he wants simply isn't possible and that while it's sad, her being "family" doesn't mean that she is going to be a nice person. I think he needs help comign to terms w/ that.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Well said!!!! I've really been taking in everything you ladies have been saying and processing it throughout the day. It is hard because this woman is famiy and family is something that I've always considered important.
That being said, the hub and DD are my family and I should really be focusing on them! They need to be happy and feel loved and accepted. That is something I am absolutely capable of! And not giving in or giving power to someone who will hurt them.
Feed Me!**
You are a wise woman. You wouldn't believe how hard it is for some people to grasp this concept.
I also have to say that I think you have taken the advice here very well. Some people get very defensive and can not take constructive criticism.
I apologize if was too harsh with you. I was just reading too much into your post and thought you wanted your husband to kiss your MIL's butt and do whatever he had to do to make nice with her all for the sake of family.
You ladies all gave great advice. If I got defensive, I'd never get to hear any of it! sometimes, it takes that extra voice telling you that maybe you are doing something wrong or acting a certain way.
I actually talked to the hub about it today, very openly. And I told him that I wouldn't be able to try fostering any sort of relationship with her anymore, due to the fact that I've seen her hurt people I love too many times. He was pretty ok with that!
Feed Me!**
I just want to say to the bolded sentence - can you say that SHE thinks family is important? W/ the way she acts? Family relationships, like any relationship, is a 2 way street. Your DH can't do it all if she isn't willing to work at it too.
And your 2nd paragraph - spot on and (again) exactly what your DH needs to understand. You and your DD are his immediate family now and you all need to be more important than his mom.
Good luck.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10