Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Feeling very alone on this journey...
I know it's been a while since I posted an update.
I had "the perfect plan". I had arranged to stay with a friend and her husband for a month or two. They have a son who goes to the same daycare as DS, so it wouldn't be completely unfamiliar for him, and it would allow me to pay for my lawyer and save the money for a place of my own.
Then I got a call from my friend telling me that she and her husband had thought about it more, and they didn't really think it was such a great idea. I was disappointed, but I understand that they have to do what's right for their family and adding my family drama to their lives is asking a lot. So, I said "ok", and started looking at other options.
I have avoided asking friends that are in H's circle, because I don't think that is fair to our mutual friends to ask them to pick sides. But I have not kept in touch very well with friends outside of that circle, and while many of them have said "let me know if there's anything I can do", when I bring up needing a place to stay temporarily, they have said "let me know if there is anything ELSE I can do."
I have gone over so many different scenarios, and asked my parents if they could help me with a loan (living with them is absolutely not an option), and I haven't been able to come up with anything that is workable. bottom line is, I can't move right into an apartment AND afford my lawyer, without staying longer and saving twice as much as I have already set aside...
I feel so alone. I feel stuck in an un-winnable situation. I know that if I am going to make this work, concessions have to be made and I may not be able to have all of my ducks in a nice, neat, perfect row. But I HAVE to have a lawyer, and I HAVE to have a place for myself and my son to stay! I even called the local DV shelter and they are full.
I know I am a resourceful person, and there is a solution, I'm just not sure what it is right now...
Re: Feeling very alone on this journey...
You don't have to hire a lawyer, there are many places where you can get one for free. Check with a local college that has a law program, that's where I got my free legal help. They will have you fill out a lot of information, but if you are in a DV situation and there is a child in the picture you are pretty much guarenteed to get help. Also anytime you are filling out finacial information for anything before you do it make sure you mention you are trying to get out of a DV situation, most places will have you only include your income (if any) instead of including your H's as well.
Best of luck to you, I am getting out of a similar situation just without any children in the mix.
I have tried the local colleges, but none of them have a program like that available.
There is a legal aid workshop offered by the local DV shelter, but it's in the evenings during the week, and until I leave that's not much of an option because H is ridiculously controlling. I would like to have the paperwork drawn up and a temporary parenting plan prepared before I leave if at all possible.
Don't give up!
I don't know your situation, but I used to live in an apartment complex that had assisted rates for people low incomes. I think the 1 bed rooms were $250/month. Would something like that be an option while you keep working though this?
What's happening to your current home? I thought it was going to sell? Is your DH working and contributing to the bills? I thought that was part of the mix, right?
And what does your laywer say about maintaining your residency? There are all kinds of implications about leaving the home in a separation. You want to leave so DH doesn't flip out and hurt you, but what does the laywer say?
I don't qualify for low income assistance because the threshold in our state is so low. Tried that route too...
I am hoping the house will sell. If not, it'll go into foreclosure. We fell behind on our payments while wasn't working, and our mortgage company won't accept partial payments unless we have some kind of an agreement with them, and they haven't been very helpful in getting that worked out. So at this point, we magically come up with the money to pay for the payments we're behind on, we sell, or they foreclose. Personally, I don't want the house. I never did. I wouldn't be able to afford the payment on my own, even if I did want it.
H is working. He took a job about a little over a month ago that pays him $7 an hour less than he was making when he was "laid off" from his other job, so we're still behind on just about everything.
Our money goes into a joint account and everything gets paid from there. we both have access to the account whenever we want. So, I have to be very careful about how I withdraw money from the account, and how things are paid from that account so as not to raise any red flags.
I haven't talked to the lawyer I would like to hire since the initial consultation because I felt like I had the information I needed at that point and I had to make a plan to move forward. I thought I had that, and it fell apart.
Have you tried local churches? They will often help out in these situations even if you are not a member. The can sometimes come up with rent money or help you find temporary free or low cost housing to get out of a bad situation. Start calling them (all of them - you might be suprised which ones will help and which ones won't). Let them know your situation, that the DV shelter is full, and that you cannot afford a lawyer and a place to live. Good luck!
The churches are a great idea! I guess I hadn't really thought of that because the last priest I talked to about our issues told me that I would be a sinner if I divorced my husband, and an adulteress if I dated after a divorce, and worse than that, I would be forcing my husband to be an adulterer as well which is not acceptable in the eyes of the Lord. Needless to say, that was the last time I set foot in THAT church! But after that it hadn't occurred to me to contact other local churches!
And, yes, casmgn, I am going to talk to him again. I actually called to see if I could get an appointment.
You ladies are great! I knew there were other avenues I hadn't looked at, I was so lost in my pity party that I wasn't seeing them!
That makes me stabby. Did he know about your husband's temper problem? Definitely check into other places- not all churches will take that position.
I'm sorry you've hit a snag, and I hope everything works out for you.
Yeah, it made me "stabby" too! that's why I hadn't considered reaching out to churches after that. But it really is a great idea that I need to explore.
How close to Seattle are you? Contact the local law schools, and see what sort of legal clinics they have.
Contact your county's bar association, and ask if there is a legal-aid service in the county you can use.
Contact social services and see if you qualify for anything regarding housing, medical care and/or daycare assistance.
Are you working? Do you work for an employer with an EAP? They can sometimes help with some of your needs.
I'm about 2 hours south of Seattle. We don't have any local law schools in our area, unfortunately.
Contacting the bar association is a great idea too. Thanks!
Social services says that I make too much money to qualify for assistance.
I have worked for the same employer for almost 9 years, but it's a small company. No EAP availaible.
Another great idea! thanks!
I have to say I started today feeling very down, as I have for a couple of weeks now. You ladies have totally lifted me up and given me new hope! Thank you so much!
::butting in::
I am just so happy that these ladies are able to provide you with some guidance. I know you felt painted into a corner you are desperate to get out of, so I really hope one of these avenues gets you out!
Always thinking happy thoughts for you,
~kelly
That priest was wrong on many levels and is not the position of the catholic church. 1. It is not a sin to divorce. The Church does recognize a legal divorce as the legal dissolution of a marriage and separation of property.
2. When vows were made in a Catholic marriage it includes Love, honor and cherish. He has broken his vows. It will be up to the tribunal for an annulment to say that a Sacrament did not take place and that God did not sanctify the union. But I'm willing to bet dollars to doughnuts there was no sacrament that happened at the marriage.
3. God does not want you miserable.
Many many many other churches, synagogues and mosques have programs to help. But please don't let that one stupid closed mind jerk of priest lead you to think that there aren't other priests or Catholic churches out there to help you.
And if you wanted to get an annulment you would still have to have a legal divorce first, it's part of the rules.
Tigersi, I know you don't know me, not sure I've ever commented on your posts. Re: the DV shelter, are you calling them frequently to check for openings? Is there a DV hotline in your area that could check bed availability at more than one shelter?
I used to work with a DV shelter in my area and I know they do cross-refer, so maybe they'd be able to help you?
can you buy $10 or $20 AMEX gift cards or food store cards when you grocery shop? Unless he looks at the register reciept, he won't know you're pulling money out that way. Is your paycheck auto deposited? Can you get a paper check and cash it and deposit the cash and take like $25 out at a time?
As for that church, screw them. The God I believe in doesn't want me hurt and wants whats best for me.
DO NOT got to a Catholic Church. Do you have any non-denominational Christian churches in your area? They are definatley more open minded and willing to help a woman in trouble.
I Googled and found this for legal aid in your area. http://www.columbialegal.org/Resources/LegalHelp
Call them, go through their intake process. They should be used to domestic violence and have procedures for keeping you safe. They will not call your house, if requested. They can mail to another address, etc.
Most state bars have something about an ethical obligation to do pro bono work. Many attorneys go above and beyond the norm. Some just try to get the bare minimum required. If you are declined by legal aid, it never hurts to ask an attorney if he would consider doing it pro bono. They may just need the hours.
While I understand your need for an attorney, I'm wondering if you wouldn't be better off putting your money towards providing a place to live right now. It may put you in a position to qualify for more benefits, it would show that you are getting your child out of the situation, which will benefit you in the divorce. It sounds like keeping your house won't be an option, so moving out won't put you at a disadvantage. You may be able to file for an Order of Protection on your own, if you feel like you are in danger.
Two thoughts:
Sometimes the prosecutor's office (in my state, the county office) has services for dv victims, including legal assistance. You might look into that.
Also, you have to explain what you take out, but how about what you put in? At my former job, we could have our paychecks go to two different accounts. If you "take from the top" of your paycheck, instead of making withdrawls from your joint account, you might be able to explain the lower payments to the joint account as increased benefit payments, an increase in withholding taxes, etc. (just don't allow your h to see your pay stub, where that will be explained).
I wouldn't normally recommend this -but if you have a credit card - get a cash advance and get the cheapest place you can find and move there. It will be worth every penny of interest that you owe.
I work in social services - at different times during the year monies become available for unusual situations. It is true that the income limits for housing are very low - but the money I'm talking about (FEMA $$) can be used for car repairs, 1st month's rent etc. and the only condition is that the money can only be given in a sustainable situation (i.e. you need help some rent but will be able to sustain rent going forward on your own)
I am really sorry you're struggling to get out; and you have gotten some really, really good advice and I hope it helps. But your first statement is very true: you ARE in this alone. Living with friends for a month or two or however long is not an exit strategy; you need cash. Is there a plasma donation place near you? You can get some money there. Is there anything you have that you can sell, or use as collateral? If you have a job, is there a pension/401k you can cash in/borrow from? If you have credit, can you get several cards and max them out for cash? When you leave, how much can you take from your bank accounts?
You ladies are amazing! I am so humbled to have so many women who have made themselves available to offer advice!
There are some great ideas in this thread, and some I have already begun to explore further. Yesterday was a day full of phone calls, and today probably will be too.
I'm exhausted from living what feels like a double life, trying to pretend like everything is fine while I'm screaming on the inside. Going to work and trying to act like things are normal, trying to maintain some kind of peace at home while I make my preparations in secret... And every once in a while, I feel like I just hit a wall.
Thanks again for all of your advice! You're appreciated more than you know!!