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Great friends, sex is a chore
This is an alter (obviously). Quick stats - together 13 years, married 5, no kids, both full-time employed. Any other questions, feel free to ask!
I get a strong feeling that sex with my H happens because he needs to have sex occassionally. Not because he wants to have sex with me. It feels very robotic, like he is fulfilling a bodily urge vs. wanting to share something loving/sexy/raunchy/whatever. We haven't had sex in about 8 days - which used to be a ridiculous amount of time, but now we go 7-14....
Last night, we were laying in bed - I was reading, he was watching sports. I look over and am pretty sure H is masturbating. I wait for a minute just to see whats up....then ask "whathca doin'". He looks down, as if surprised - laughs and says nothing, then continues watching TV. No invitation to join, no nothing really....
And no we don't have squicky feelings towards masturbation. We both do it, we both know we do it, it's all good. I just have never been laying there while he did it without even an invitiation to join in.
I tried to initiate a few nights ago...silly 1/2 strip tease (in a joking manner - I did not go full Demi Moore), crawl into bed, kiss him, and get //yawn// good night babe, love you.
So, this is par for the course lately. Men on this board - what is going through his head??? And to everyone - how can I turn this around? Our relationship is good, but sex is important to me. //stomps foot// I want good clean (or dirty) marital romps in the hay damnit!!!
Re: Great friends, sex is a chore
I am willing to bet sex once a week is the norm for a couple married as long as you have been.
Masturbating? Why didn't you lend him a hand, so to speak? Seize the moment -- no pun intended.:) You don't need an invite.:)
Once again and as always: you need to talk to him. Communication is crucial.
You're right, I haven't. It's scary. I have played out all the scenarios in my head...I'm getting older, I'm no longer attractive, he's not in love with me, even is there another woman. *I know there's not another woman, but my head goes bad places.* It's easier to keep my head in the sand than know the truth about why my H doesn't want me.
I guess I was hoping someone would say: do x, y, z to spice it up. Men love "this" and it would magically become amazing again.
So, how do I start a conversation like that without putting him on the defensive?
People get defensive when they feel that they are being blamed. This is about how you feel about his behavior or how you feel about your lack of sex as a couple. You need to tell him how you feel, what you are missing, what you need and how these things can be met. You need to also take part of the blame, because it takes two to tango. You need to ask him what you can do differently. As if he is satisfied.
Try not to blame, but also do not take responsibility for something you have not done. HE is the one avoiding sex not you. You are not to blam at all. If you have been trying and been getting shot done YOU are not to blame. And you shouldnt blame yourself!
Tell him you want to talk...maybe write down everything you want to say and then read it to him. Ask him not to say anything until you are done. Make sure you be VERY specific abpout how he is making you feel, and what it is doing to your selfesteem and your marriage.
When you are ddone ask him how the 2 of you can fix it...and if he wants to fix it.
Then tell him what you plan on doing if he doesnt try and follow through..
You think you're no longer attractive because you're older?
You're hardly an ole decrepit fart.:) And just for the record, Raquel Welch, Jennifer Aniston, Sophia Loren and Cher look great. In fact, they've never looked better before in their entire lives.:)
Thanks guys! Tonight we will sit down and figure it out. Then I will channel my inner Jennifer Aniston and hopefully get it on.
Why is talk it out so freaking obviously the answer....until it's "you"? I feel silly.