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Sex? What's that?
I know that the answers are going to be "talk to your OBGYN, but really, I have no idea what to say. I'm also extremely embarrassed-- I feel like this is normal. I'm not even sure who to call-- my OBGYN left the practice and there's really no one that I've ever gone to.
My issue is that I have zilch sex drive. DH and I have a one-year-old and sex is painful, I'm ashamed of my body (I have 20 + extra pounds), I don't want to get pregnant again, and my body just feels so utilitarian. It's been so different since having DS-- I feel like he "used me up--" having him ruined my stomach, I had stitches and they ruined my vagina, I breastfed and I feel like that's what my breasts are for now.
DH and I are crazy busy, so I'd rather sleep than have sex. DH tries to initiate it all of the time and really, I want nothing to do with it. Some nights I even sleep on the couch because I feel so bad rejecting him....
Re: Sex? What's that?
Based on your post, your lack of sex drive is not chemical, it is physical and mental. You just don't feel sexually attractive since the birth of your child. Given the huge changes that birthing a child will do to you, it is easy to understand why you feel different. But you also sound tired and drained and a bit depressed.
I would go to your dr. and talk about your feelings. An ob/gyn has heard many women talk about issues just like yours. Perhaps you are a bit PPD. Perhaps you just need to let these feelings out to feel better.
If sex is painful, try to isolate in your mind exactly when sex is uncomfortable. Is it at the first moments of penetration? Or after a period of intercourse? Are you dry? Or are certain angles painful? Perhaps there is a clear physical reason for your discomfort - something your dr could see from an internal examination. Communicate to your dr the details of the pain and perhaps he/she can search for a cause.
Now, on to the sex. The more you have, the more you want. So it is time for some lingerie that will hide what you perceive as your flaws. Think babydolls with built in bra cups to hold the girls high and proud. Something like this:
http://fredericks.com/Eternal_Embellishments_Babydoll/46916,default,pd.html?cgid=li12
or this:
http://www.fredericks.com/Mesh_Lace_Flames_Chemise/46559,default,pd.html
or this:
http://www.fredericks.com/The_Emily_Babydoll/44999,default,pd.html
Add a pair of heels and he will be begging for your attentions.
These are going to be flattering and sexy and will help you feel less self conscious about your body. I think getting over that hump will free you to return to the sexual person you were before. Your body isn't going to return to its pre-baby state, but that is ok. Your husband loves you for birthing his child and will overlook the "flaws" you see because he lusts for *you*.
Good luck getting back in the saddle.
Any woman who has borne a child and is still a bit chunky after the birth is bound to feel body conscious. You're not alone in this.
See a doc; get a check up. It very well could be your hormones are still in flux after the kiddo came along.
Your H evidently still finds you attractive. That is half the battle won --- you might alos want to look into clothes that will play up your assets; try other confidence boosters like a makeover and a haircut.
to me i think the best thing to do is find out what will make you feel good about yourself, no matter what that is. If that means losing weight or just taking some time to yourself, I think you need to make it happen. I believe that once you feel better about yourself you'll start to feel better about your DH and the possibility of sex. I say this because I go through phases where I absolutely hate my body & the fact that I don't even get enough time to time for myself that sex isn't a priority anymore, and when I realize that that is where I am at I just have to remember that any extra lbs was more than worth it to be able to have my DD in my life & even if I don't completely love my body, I know my hubby isn't even noticing a difference from before. He sees me, not my weight. If you can realize all of that & feel a little bit better about yourself than I think the rest has a better chance of falling into place.
I hope that was helpful. You have to love yourself!!
OP I think this is really good advice, I hope things get better for you!
This will sound crazy, but try scheduling yourself into it even though you don't want to. Start with once a week and schedule a time with DH when you know you won't be tired or preoccupied (first thing in the morning maybe?). Set goals for yourself...for example after 1 month of 1/wk go to 2x/wk. It seems absurd to schedule sex and do it when you don't really want to, but the longer you're out of it, the more your marriage will suffer and the harder it will be to get back in.
I highly recommend a sex therapist. I know it sounds weird but a relationship therapist that specializes in intimacy can do YOU and your relationship a world of good. Yes, it is a commitment of time you may not have and money. But you will probably find it to be very beneficial.