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More IL issues (long as always) :-)
So, I discovered last night that my in-laws hate me, and the whole family has completely ganged up on me for (what I think are) irrational reasons. We always had a great relationship and they were thrilled when we got engaged but all of a sudden last summer there were a couple of wedding planning clashes. Nothing serious, and by our October wedding I had easily laughed them off as the high emotions of a wedding drawing near, etc. And we talked it all out and all was solved. But they actually never let go of what were very petty issues (like handing welcome bags out at the front desk instead of paying to have them put in guests rooms) and still hold these things against me and my family.
I tend to be a very quiet person, and reserved socially, and just can't go to every social occasion, but I have been to tons of family events, including out of state ones, in the past 5 years, and go to everything I can without getting overwhelmed. My family is more laid-back, and respect that I am almost 30, married, and need some independence, but his parents seem to have made a note of everything I didn't attend, and every social event with friends I did attend, and want to know why I can do one but not the other, even though they know I have mild social anxiety and get very nervous in pressure situations, and that I'm doing the best I can. One thing I did not do was go to their house on the first night of Hanukkah to watch them light the candles because it was a Wednesday night, and every Wednesday night for the past 7 years I babysit for a special needs boy who is very scheduled. I try to give them a months notice if I need the night off, but I didn't know until 2 days before that they wanted me to watch them light the candles (although, I am not 5 years old! Is that really necessary?) They know this schedule, and my commitment to work. My birthday's next week, and my husband told me (humiliated) that they decided that if I didn't watch them light the candles, they were done getting me gifts, so not to expect anything for my birthday. I continue and will continue to get them things for Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthday, etc. We are all adults. This seems very childish of them, and honestly, downright mean. MIL's birthday is the week after and she is insisting they all spend the day at the beach with her, and yes, my husband is expected to be there, but I wasn't invited! I wouldn't want to go, because it creeps me out that she wants to drag her grown children around in bathing suits all day, but they can't bully my husband into going if his wife isn't at least courteously invited.
Finally, his sister is a lesbian, and I became very close with her because her parents insisted that she not be allowed to bring a date to the wedding I fought tooth and nail for hours for her right to bring a date if she wanted, and ultimately she was invited with a date, but decided not to bring one. However, three days before the wedding she called and said she just started dating someone and wanted to bring her. At that point tables were set, final numbers were in, and logistically I just couldn't do it. I literally gave her every opportunity to have a date. She has not talked to me since, despite my attempts to reach out. And the IL's are furious at me. But they were going to be furious if she did bring a date. None of it makes sense.
The worst part is, they won't tell me any of this. This all came from my humiliated husband, who doesn't particularly like them on a good day, but doesn't want to be estranged from them either. I am very calm about the whole thing. Their issues are very one-sided, and my husband shouldn't be in the middle because there is no other side. I have no problems with them, I'm just so hurt that they ganged up on me like this. I feel so much pressure, and so hopeless because they seem to me to be honestly just making some of this stuff up because they feel like it. How do I fix things if they are not rational, and if they're going to think and feel how they want to think and feel?
Re: More IL issues (long as always) :-)
YHAHP*
*you have a husband problem
You're right, your H shouldn't be in the middle, he should be 100% firmly on your side. He married you, that makes you his family first.
By your own admission he's not crazy about them, but he won't stand up for you, that is totally fvcked up. I would seriously be reconsidering a marriage to a man that won't stand up for me to people he's knows are wrong. Has he even attempted to defend you? If my H came home and told me all the reasons his family hates me and didn't end it with 'I told them to go to hell and left' I would tell him to go live with his mommy.
You can't fix things with them because they are not being rational and they have no interest in working things out with you. Right now they have exactly what they want, their son, brother without you. As long as you & your H continue to be ok with this, nothing will change.
Stop trying to make things better and start questioning why your H is not more loyal to you.
So he very calmly relayed the message and didn't tell them what he thought of their idea, eh?
My birthday's next week, and my husband told me (humiliated) that they decided that if I didn't watch them light the candles, they were done getting me gifts, so not to expect anything for my birthday. I continue and will continue to get them things for Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthday, etc. We are all adults. This seems very childish of them, and honestly, downright mean.
There is also a problem with your H - he won't take your side and quite frankly, he should have told them where to go regarding the above.
Humiliated is not the same as an H that will stick up for you -- he hasn't done that. And he probably never will, either.
And he should have told them, regarding the above, that starting right now he will forgo all family events because you and he are a couple and if you are not invited, he won't be attending either.
An H problem, as usual. "Humiliated" is not the same thing as "He is a team with me and I come first." You should be pretty po'd at him.
I'm confused. Is your H humiliated that his family is so petty and small, or humiliated that you don't attend every social engagement, including Hanukkah candle lightings? If it is the former, let him know that it's not his fault his family is so strange. If he is humiliated that you aren't living up to their expectations of being the ideal Daughter-in-law, tell him to move back home with mommy and daddy.
I would say - good riddance to them! Enjoy the fact that they are "angry" with you and aren't attending your birthday party. Put your husband in charge of gifts for them - it's his family.
I would not allow a sibling, gay or straight, to bring a last minute date. It's not a G/L issue, it's a courtesy issue. Your SIL is rude.
Also, there are 8 nights of Hanukkah, is there a reason you had to be present for that ONE night?
Overall, your ILs are completely unreasonable, and I wouldn't worry about pleasing them. In fact, I think some of their issues are more about controlling you and your H than about attending Hanukkah. If you let them know that you won't be bullied, and that you'll attend the events that fit your life, not jump to every family gtg, you'll be better off in the long run. Let them "hate" you for not running around trying to please them, because they will probably not like you anyway, unless you allow them to run your life for you.
Oh but he's humiliated. That should suffice. Right?
He takes your side and he's a team with you. And if he cannot do that, bad news.
This. While it's horrible how your ILs are treating you, your husband should be dealing with this, not you. You and DH should be a team. But it sounds like he'd rather let them spit in your face than start drama by standing by your side and standing up to them. Sounds like a good man.
I wouldn't really mind if people 'hated me' for these reasons. You can't fix crazy and I wouldn't try.
And I would feel a great deal of relief at not having to deal with them anymore since they declare these feelings.
I can't wait to see how your DH handles his mother's demand for attendance while excluding you. That will be very telling about your relationship.
My apologies, I don't have any good info for your.
I have a similar H problem - he sides w/me but his family still treats me like crap.
I do agree w/the pp that you can't fix crazy. And some momma's just have issues with the women their little boy's marry......
All of this! Been there... and I ran. And even til' this day I am so happy I did. The bold and underline describe my past situation - perfectly. Could have written it myself!