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Feeling pushed aside with future hubby & MIL/SIL
Hi. I feel like I'm at my wits end and not entirely sure what to do. I describe my future hubby's relationship with his mom and half-sister as 'hot and cold.' I also feel my fiance is often put aside until his half-sister's neutoricism is tended to by his mom, who also has her own OCD and high anxiety issues to deal with. The problem? I often wonder where I fit in to all of this, especially when my fiance seems to jump whenever his mom or half-sister call with some need and it can result in pushing me and/or the relationship with my fiance to the side. At times my fiance sees what happens, admits it's an issue, but yet is afraid to say no or push back. His latest solution is we move to the other side of town (oh, have I mentioned his half-sis lives about 3 blocks from me and his mom about 6 blocks from there?) and/or move out of the city or state when he graduates from pharmacy school in 2 years.
I've expressed my frustration and hurt to my fiance before, and he'll either push back or remain quiet. I will be starting sessions with my therapist again but that doesn't start for another month. We've had major arguments again today and the past few days due to his mom and him attempting to make his way back home from school for the summer. He's had to adjust his work schedule and drive across the state to accomodate his mom, when simple planning, he providing suggestions to her, and/or even including me in the decision making process could've prevented this from the start. It's like his brain just freezes whenever his mom suggests/wants to do something, even though it completely does not make sense.
Not to mention last summer my fiance would get together wtih his mom at least once, if not twice a week, just the two of them and everything is such a secret. The initial plan of my fiance to make some contributions to the household expenses didn't happen due to him not working as many hours as he wanted; meanwhile, his mom would give him 'spending money' with each of their visits, fill up his gas tank, and take him out to dinner. His mom is 67 years old, still works full-time as a file clerk, has now started collecting social security, and is a very frugal person who does very little for herself.
I've mentioned to my fiance more than once how I do feel family is important but there also needs a dividing line. He's a 33 year old man now who I feel should make his own decisions, be responsible, and especially being engaged now, needs to remember he and I are our own family now, and we come first and not him jump whenever his mom says something and I need to deal with it. But yet for events such as Mother's Day, I need to remind my fiance to do something for his mom. This year he had the opportunity to give his mom some Mom's Day gifts a week before the holiday, but he didn't feel the need to do so. On Mother's Day itself, he didn't even call his mom.
Can you see how/why I feel confused and perplexed with the dynamics between my fiance and his mom and half-sister (I didn't even get into too many details on that dynamic), and how I feel pushed aside? Also, he keeps saying he wants to work on things, and we both have said couple's/pre-marriage counseling is beneficial; however, will things ever be worked on to make me not feel pushed aside, and is it a warning sign we feel counseling is helpful before we're even married?
Re: Feeling pushed aside with future hubby & MIL/SIL
We're a very close family. We see my parents every week to eat Sunday lunch, and we also eat at the IL's Saturday or Sunday . My ILs live 5 minutes away, and my parents are 10 minutes away. So I get the idea of a close family.
However, I must be frank. I would run like the wind from this situation. The major red flags are that #1 they get together, and everything's a secret, and #2 she's infantilizing him with the whole "spending money" thing. This will probably only get worse with time, especially since your fiance's shown no inclination to take positive steps. Being on the other side of town won't be enough.
I know that there's the saying that marriage is work, but these dynamics and the counseling before you're even married? I personally wouldn't do it. You probably need someone who has cut the apron strings. If he hasn't nipped it in the bud by now, will he ever? I don't know. I doubt it. I think that it's a big mistake to marry someone thinking he'll change. Women have done this all the time for time immemorial, and it seldom works out well.
I'm sorry.
edited for grammar
You see all the red flags flying? Your 33 year old man is a mamas boy. This isnt going to change unless he wants to change it.(wanting means actually doing something about for a long period of time)
This is a HUGE issue on many levels...I would also run like hell! I have never been attracted to mama's boys and wouldnt have gotten as far as you have in this relationship.
this IS something that can ruin a marriage, dont kid yourself into thinking otherwise.
So, he lets you pay all the bills and gets secret cash for luxury items from his mother at the age of 33?
Cut off the engagement and kick him out.
Run. Unless you are willing to live the rest of your life feeling like a third wheel in your own marriage, run.
He won't change. The wedding ring won't change him.
If you marry him, you will be dealing with this all the time. Then you will have a child or two. The children will be hijacked by your MIL to join in her wacky cult of crazy and you will finally get fed up. You will divorce him and have to watch your kids go off with your now EX-husband and MIL and know that they are poisoning your children's minds against you.
Run now.
Just for the fact that this guy is so passive and can't stand on his own 2 feet and say no is a big big red flag.
And an even bigger red flag is the fact that he continually is a pushover for his mother and sis. Bad news indeed.
Bid this guy adieu and find a guy who's a man, not a little boy and a patsy and pushover for his mother and sis.
And find a guy who hasn't got any character issues; a guy who lets his FI or wife pull the whole load financially is no man at all:
So, he lets you pay all the bills and gets secret cash for luxury items from his mother at the age of 33?
Cut off the engagement and kick him out.
Counseling can be helpful before marriage. In fact, many people in perfectly healthy relationships go to pre-marital counseling. The fact of the matter is that marriage is not a magic pill that will change your husband's behavior. It will, however, make it much more difficult to deal with. Marriage does not fix problems. It magnifies them.
I'm sorry to say that, until your fiance actually stops this behavior, you should not plan on marrying him. At this stage in his life, it is unlikely that he will change. And remember - marriage will not change him! I know it's not what you really want to hear, but my advice would be to let go of this relationship.
None of this behavior will change just because you get married. I'd seriously re-evaluate what you want in a relationship because it seems as though having an equal partner who can stand up for himself and for you isn't present in this relationship.
Ditto everyone else. There are massive red flags here and I think you would be making a HUGE mistake to marry him.
And to add what I see as an issue:
But yet for events such as Mother's Day, I need to remind my fiance to do something for his mom. This year he had the opportunity to give his mom some Mom's Day gifts a week before the holiday, but he didn't feel the need to do so. On Mother's Day itself, he didn't even call his mom.
For everything his mom "does" for him, for as entrenched in her as he is... and he still doesn't think to do anything for her, doesn't feel he "needs" to?
This on top of the fact he doesn't help you out w/ bills..... he is SELFISH!!!! He will gladly take and take and take, but when given an opportunity to give back (acknowledge his mom on Mothers Day, give you some of the money she gives him), what does he do? Nothing.
He's cheap and selfish.
Please run. Seriously.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
ECB, I wonder if this has to do with the fact that the guy gives up so much of himself for the mother that he is really very enraged inside.So by not doing things for her birthday or mother's day or simply "forgetting" whether on purpose or not, I think he's trying to rebel against the behavior. I'm just guessing at this as my ex-FI struggled with the same issues - he would forget his mother's birthday or wouldn't express any type of emotion to her on Mother's Day. It was strange to me considering she consumed his life, but reading a lot of books about this topic and narcissism it seems this behavior might be some type of unconscious rebellion.
A little too heavy for this post!
Doglove- yeah, absolutely, I could see that. Heavy or not, the OP may want to think about that aspect of it too.
Really.... I don't know if marrying a man w/ mommy issues is really a good idea.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your fiance has a LOT of growing up to do! I guess you could benefit from pre-marital counseling, but I have to agree with the others who say it might be better for you to run like the wind! I would also say, pre-marital counsling MAY or MAY NOT help with your issues, but if you have problems and don't go to pre-marital counseling, it just allows you to be in denial about your problems. It doesn't mean the problems will magically go away if you say "I do," or that the problems don't exist.
I'm glad you are starting sessions with your therapist. I think invididual counseling would enable YOU to see why you are settling for a man who puts his mom and sister first.
I agree with ECB that your fi is selfish. Even if the "forgetting mother's day" is an act of passive-aggression, b/c he has given up his life for her (it seems), the fact that he doesn't help you with household bills, but accepts dinners out and spending money from his mom (while I assume he is happy that you are paying for the rent and other household items) speaks volumes about his character. What kind of man lives like that? Also, you mentioned that he can re-arrange his schedule for his mom. Yet he can't re-arrange his schedule to work more hours in order to help with finances?
The fact that he wants to "move far away" instead of confronting his mom and telling her his role of being at her beck and call is over shows me that he is not a man, but a mouse (as the saying goes). What if his mom and half-sister "follow" him - - will you move again? I'm all from living a distance from the ILS, but that doesn't solve things. In your case, it might just make your fi's commute to mommy's house longer.
Also, your fi's brain doesn't "freeze." He makes a choice. Going to his mom's house (instead of consulting with you, helping her over the phone) WORKS for him in some way. Whether he feels like eating dinner out, wants some extra pocket money, or is just afraid to say "no," your Fi knows what he is doing. Please don't accept that this is something that is beyond his control.
Will pre-marital counseling solve everything? Maybe, maybe not. But you are going to need to really dig to get to the bottom of your fi's family's dysfunction. I would strongly advise against getting married without working with a qualified counselor. And no, I would not do it through church - - you are going to need a professional to deal with your fi's issues.
Been there - almost exactly.
And I ran like the wind.
It was the best decision I ever made.
You can't change him. You can't change the relationship and anything you do or say will most likely be resented and taken as trying to interfere or break things apart.
RUN! I see too many red flags... i know some that have gone to pre-marital counseling, but if you have to rely on it to 'fix' issues this early on, RUN! He doesn't sound like he is willing to change. And, you have to think of what things will be like if you do marry him, have kids... how much and how long are you willing to put up with this?
Hello!!
A big thank you to everyone who read my dilemma/situation and especially to provide your input/advice!! I do feel reassured others also believe I'm not reading too much into things/being sensitive and agree there are issues here. My fiance will be back home tomorrow, and we will be having many long talks on top of what we've already started discussing Sunday and Monday evening.
I don't think I previously mentioned this but my fiance has been diagnosed with ADD a couple years ago (based on my suggestion he see a professional to find out he is or not) when he was in the process of applying to pharmacy schools to start a new career. One aspect I do struggle with and feel like I don't have enough patience at times are side effects/classic symptoms of having ADD. *sigh*
I also had a great talk today with a guy friend whose judgment I trust, to gain a perspective from a guy's point of view. We shall see what happens when my fiance and I chat more in the next few days.
Thanks again!!!