Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sad and upset over DH's family....
Today was the birthday party for my daughter. I know, she's my daughter and not the center of anyone else's universe.
However, it was hurtful (not surprising though) that my SIL and BIL did not attend my daughter's 4th birthday. SIL, went out for a bike ride w/her mom and I have no idea where BIL was.
I just want to kick them to the curb. AND, sometimes I just hate FB for sharing this kind of knowledge.....
I'm just venting - I've vented about this kind of thing before and am working on adjusting my thoughts and refocusing to other things.
Re: Sad and upset over DH's family....
It sounds like you're just annoyed - you mentioned things that make me think you know you probably shouldn't be mad....Which person of the couple is actually related to you and your husband? Is it DH's brother and his wife? I'm betting she came on here and said, "my husband made plans or has to work or whatever - and he expects me to go to a kid's birthday party to 'represent' but I think he needed to make it a priority since it's his family...." and everyone gave her advice to do what she wanted and let her husband take responsibility for his own family.
And Facebook is definitely evil. I'm with ya there.
Yeah- I need to know more. Who is the actual relative? I'm kind of assuming BIL since you referred to SIL going out w/ HER mom, who I assume isn't your MIL. If so - yeah, ditto the PP. Maybe her DH didn't tell her about it, or he made other plans and as such, she didn't feel she had to come by herself, etc.
Also, how old are they and do they have kids of their own? From what you write, it doesn't sound like they have kids. Is there any chance that they want kids but are having problems in that area, and as such, maybe children's b-day parties are too hard for her to handle....
Past that, you say it isn't surprising. Which tells me this is their normal behavior. If so, then a part of this is about you learning to accept them for who they are. They may simply be at a point in their lives where "family" isn't ranking really high in their priority list.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is exactly what I was thinking.
Or that THEIR definition of family is not the same as yours?
Or that while they do prioritize their family in the top five - children parties are not high on their list.
That does not make them hurtful or wrong, it just means they dont care about going to a kids party.
And to be honest with you, I HATE kids parties, to include my OWN kid. My DD's 1st had one family comprised of just 2 kids. Her 2nd had 3 families, with 5 kids...and even then, it was so darn basic, that if there hadn't the birthday song to go with the cupcakes, you would know it was not one our normal playdates.
But that sure as hell does not mean that I do not love my DD.
yeah I'm wondering if they just didn't show up after saying they would too?
otherwise I'm not really getting the anger over the brother and SIL missing a kids 4th birthday. Did they go to the 1st birthday? I see this one being the big one, but to expect them to go every year, I don't see this as being something to get angry about.
Is there another reason you're so mad at them?
Thanks everyone for the responses. This is DH's Brother and his Wife.
What I find annoying is that they always go to her family's functions. They blow us off quite a bit. SIL has two sisters and between them, 5 nieces and nephews. They actually agreed last holiday season to come to my daughter's dance performance. However, when they learned that SIL's nephews had an event, they canceled on us to go to her family event.
I think it is sad from the perspective that my daughter will not have any real relationship with them. I happen to have a close relationship with my two nieces and participate in quite a bit of their functions.
I was never actually given a reason why DH's brother couldn't be there and while I would have thought it would be nice for SIL to be there, I understand she shouldn't have too. I actually understand that neither of them need too.
After more thinking last night and this morning, I was reliving my past. I don't recall my aunts and uncles even sending me cards on my birthday, let alone a party. So why should I expect these people to do so?
Ultimately, I need to quit holding these people to high expectations and realize that what I want, and what I'll get are two totally opposite things.
In reading your update, another aspect could be that she feels very close to her sisters, so she's really involved. But how close are your BIL and your DH? And actually, more importantly, how close would BIL say they are?
If he doesn't feel close to your DH, or close enough to say "I want to go to their functions too" - well, then... she may be working on the only knowledge that she has and when given a choice between "seeing my familiy who I'm very close to or seeing DH's family who he's 'eh' about, I'm going to put my energy into my family".
OR - who knows what kind of pressure and guilt she gets from her family! You never know - this could be a situation where she would get reamed for not going to their events and is actually very thankful that you (or DH's family in general) don't make her feel bad and give her the space she wants to make the choice for herself.
In the end, is say focus on the people who DO come, who DO want to be involved. Dont' worry about the people who don't want to make you a priority. Especially when there are just so many factors that can be playing a role in why they aren't interested in being more involved!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I feel like there is something missing here.
I was in a similar situation. My events were not acknowledged by the BIL/SIL. But if I were to behave in the same manner that they did, my FI would have cut me down to pieces verbally.
if i was unable to attend one of my brother's kids' birthday parties, my dh wouldn't go by himself. and no one would expect him to, either.
My H would be expected to. He wouldn't go without me though. And that is fine. My family would love him anyway. We make it a priority to go to our nephew's birthday parties and will continue with future nephews and nieces. If SIL didn't live OOS it would also be a priority to go to our two school age nieces' birthday parties.
I think there are different standards for different families.
My family would not miss a big event in my children's lives (including taking a 1/2 day from work, etc.). DH's family would not do that at all, unless we had a major party (think communion, sweet 16, wedding - where we provided alcohol and food). I actually think it is their loss that they are not close enough to share in other people's lives vs. their own.
That being said, a 4 yo birthday party is no big deal, and while I would try to make it (vs. taking a bike ride), I wouldn't go nuts re-arranging my schedule.
I was completely shocked a few years ago when my sister FREAKED out and told me that she expected me at every birthday party for her children from now to infinity. I had just moved out of state and casually commented that I would try and would balance it with everything else and she completely lost it. She said it was an absolute expectation that I be there each and every year.
I haven't missed one, but I honestly don't get it. Growing up, we had Sunday dinners at my grandmother's house and whoever had a birthday that week had a cake and blew out candles. My aunts and uncles never came to our parent's house, certainly not a kids party and no one ever took a head-count at grandma's Sunday dinner.
I don't know why my sister set this expectation in her mind. Its not like I wouldn't go, it was just shocking how differently we saw these expectations.
I think your SIL sees her own sisters as a priority and not you. That can be hurtful, or it can just be reality. She has sisters and doesn't feel particualrly close to her husband's neices/nephews. I bet if you took a closer look, she deals with a good deal of drama with them as well. Try not to set yourself as the one caste-off. Relationships are built by the people who want them. And they are complicated. Let her have a bike ride while you build lasting memories with people who cherishyou and your DD.
If your Husband has a problem with his brother skipping the celebration, let him deal with it. This isn't your probelm at all.
Did they say they would come then not show up?
I'm having a really hard time seeing why you are upset... I mean if they said they would come and then didn't that is crappy...
BUT if they had other plans and never got back to you about coming or told you they wouldn't be able to attend.... I think that you are expecting too much. They are different points in their life than you are...Not everyone is ALL ABOUT family functions.
IMO attending EVERY SINGLE BIRTHDAY of a Family member is A LOT to ask.... and very Demanding.... In fact so demanding that I would probably push back if someone told me it was "mandatory".
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.