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FMIL - will this be a problem?
Hi, sorry if this is fairly tedious or easy to pin. My FM/FIL drove down and stayed with my fiance and I for a 3 day weekend recently. We have a one bedroom, one bath apartment in a large city. It's perfect for two but crowded with four. In addition to being on top of each other all weekend they made themselves completely at home, and did not bother to ask me before using anything, rearranging the fridge, trying to fix a clog my maintainence crew could have handled. They brought so much stuff with them that our hallway was cluttered, and brought their own coffee maker. They even invited the rest of the visiting family members to a breakfast at our apartment (they cooked), without even asking me! My FM/FIL have come down every year to visit my fiance since he's lived here and always stayed with him. They are not poor and could certainly afford to stay at a hotel, but simply do not want to pay for it.
FMIL did not even thank me for letting her steal my home for the weekend. I am not comfortable with them staying in our apartment, especially because I felt like it was not even my apartment when they were here. I brought this up to my fiance and we ended up in a fight about it. long story short, he said he would tell them they could not stay here again, but fiance does not think them staying with us was a big deal.
On top of all that, Fiance relayed every piece of detail about our fight to his sister, and even did some private venting about me to her. What do I do??
Re: FMIL - will this be a problem?
Having family stay over shouldn't HAVE to be a terrible thing, it sounds though like you and your FI need to talk about things before they happen. Set up some ground rules and compromises that you both can agree on. (maybe you can make a seperate list of 'how to fight rules" and include "no discussing with family" to that one).
Talk to your FI about boundaries (make them for YOUR family too). His family might be a lot different than yours but it's probably what he's used to and it doesn't make it 100% just wrong. It sounds like his family are 'trying' to be helpful (maybe start your convo off with letting him know that you GET that they're trying to lend a hand by making the breakfast/fixing a clog/rearanging the fridge) but that it can make you feel like you're not a good host, or that you're being pushed out, or that you don't do things to their standards and that you would rather them just act as guests when they're over. Don't bad mouth them (nobody is going to listen while someone puts down their parents) but let him know that you want to be able to host them in your home,
Maybe suggest the hotel still, as long as it goes for your parents as well.
What is your relationship with FM/FIL/SIL like otherwise? Is this a one-off or do you see this happening again? To me, it smells like it has the potential to happen again, and the fact that your FI not only got mad at you for bringing the subject up, but also vented about you to his sister doesn't bode well at all for the relationship between the two of you, and speaks volumes about his lack of respect for the things you want (for them to respect your home, your time, your space, etc) or your privacy (the fight, etc).
It's easy to say "run, get out of the relationship!!" (people do it on this board all the time) but only you can say if it's worth having a conversation with your FI about it. Wait till things calm down (a few days minimum!) and use "I statements" (don't blame, don't pass the buck, just talk about what you were feeling at the time). I'm not going to say it's easy, but if you have an otherwise healthy, kind, respectful relationship and you've been together for a while, it might be one of those "learning curve" things and requires communication and acceptance. And then again, it might not be.
Good luck!!
Your problem is not your FMIL, your problem is your fiance. And yes, his tattling will be a huge problem in your marriage. For this reason alone, I would seriously reconsider this relationship.
As for everything else - it sounds like the two of you did not sit down and hash out expectations before the visit. I imagine his parents acted like they normally do every time they visit. Also, you keep calling it "my" apartment. Is it not your fiance's as well?
All in all, the two of you clearly need to work on communicating better with each other. However, his tattling and complaining about you to his family is inexcusable.
How long has this been going on for? How are they in other aspects of your life/family life? You can't expect them to be perfect and you need some give and take.
Have you spoken with you FI about it and what has he said?
On a side note, I see nothing with them or family/friends, etc staying with you for a few days. I think that's sort of nice. But, they don't seem to have boundaries and someone has to set them and from the sound of it, it can't be you.
They sound well meaning but wow, to ask people to your home minus your okay is not well meaning.
The rule of thumb when you are a guest in anyone's home is "May I..."
What sucks here is that your FI told tales out of school. I'd be kind of pissed off if I were you and I'd take him to task over it.
This will be an issue if your FI cannot change. My now ex-FI would back me up to my face, sometimes and completely not back me up to my face others. Then he would always back up his family behind my back and while telling me he didn't back them up at all. Sometimes this evolved into him backing me up but justifying their behavior at the same time. This is why he is my now ex-FI.
And when things were over. He admitted that he "wanted to have his cake and eat it to..." He admitted he could not change.
well, I think you need to have a discussion w/ your FI about expectations for future visits. AND also about talking to family about one another. VEnting to his sister will only create a negative impression of you in her mind and that may very well come back to bite both of you in the butts.
But - at the same time, you need to back down. They unclogged a drain? So what. To be pissed over that makes you seem crazy. They did you a favor.
And what stuff did they use w/o asking? If you're mad that they got a glass and poured themselves some water, or something like that.... oy, again, think about this. Do you really want them asking you for everything they need?
Think about your answer because the flip side of this is that you are constantly getting up and getting stuff for them because they dont' feel comfortable doing it themselves.
It's one thing if they come over just for a meal - yes, I expect people to ask me more for what I need. But if anyone ever stays overnight, I expect them to make themselves 'at home' so that I don't have to be at their beck and call.
So.... be really careful what you wish for.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto
Also, why is MIL expected to thank you for being a guest but FIL is off the hook for that?
Here is my warning to you based on these 2 issues - be careful of being the "Little Boy who Cried Wolf". These 2 issues are taking you into nit-picky land and as if you're looking for things to be mad at.
When you go down this path, whatever real issues you have are going to be lost and at some point, your FI is going to get tired of hearing about all the "wrong" his parents do.
If you want to hear him on the big stuff, you have to let the little stuff go. Trust me on this.
If they hadn't thanked you at all, then be upset. But to say "Oh, he thanked me but she didn't" - well, to THEM, one of them saying thank you may be speaking for both of them. it may not be how you do things, but, again, they aren't you.
And to be mad that they didn't ask if you "minded" if they looked at a clogged drain.... what if they felt it was their fault and they were trying to fix it so that you wouldn't be griping about "My IL's clogged up my sink and didn't even try to do anything about it!"?
Because, honestly, w/ some of what you're upset about - I kind of have a feeling if they did "B" instead of "A", you'd find a reason to be pissed about it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto ECB - if your FIL thanked you, then it counts as both of them thanking you. There are times when DH has said thank you for something and I have smiled and nodded and not verbally added on to it.
This was a huge problem in my relationship before we got married. H would run and complain to BIL/FIL/MIL often during our arguments to "vent" and this only cause more problems because MIL didnt like me and would encourage him to do as he pleases and not work out our problems. We went to counseling before we got married to work through this because there was no way I would consider marrying him until it stopped.
I suggest counseling to work this out because I think its a pretty big deal to not have your F not backing you 100%. Also, he should never vent your problems to his family- it only causes much bigger problems in the long run and he's got to come to that realization. While he will forgive/forget any problems you have (because he loves you) its unlikely his family will and they will come to not like you.
Did your FI live in this place and then you move in with him? If so, it may be that his parents do feel at home there because they have stayed there before and are comfortable there. I get that it's tough having houseguests in a small space, but like ECB said you really don't want to be at their beck & call.
This is what would really bother me.
H and I also have a 1 bm, 1 ba apt. My parents have stayed overnight once since we were married because it was so crowed. Since then they get a hotel room. H and I discussed (before we married) and have 'rules' about who stays, how long they stay etc etc because of our limited space. It would behoove you and your FI to do the same if you haven't already.
I'd honesty give your FIL/MIL a pass this time. They were trying to be helpful. Could they have approached it better, of course, but it's hardy a hill to die on KWIM?
Your FI confiding in his sister is your biggest issue. I would be beyond pissed if my H talked to his sister (or anyone else) about issues we as a couple were dealing with unless together we decided to ask her for advice.
This. I don't see any of the ILs behaviors as egregious. From what you've relayed, it sounds like you've set up some weird power struggle in your head, "Well...this is MY place now, not yours, so you need my permission to fill a sink with water/get a glass of tea/make yourself a snack."
Be honest. Do you expect your parents to do the same?
If these are the kinds of things that get you down enough to fight about them, then, yes, you're in for a miserable life. These are presumably people who will be your family soon. Do you want them to feel welcome and at home at your place or should they spend the next 30 years on edge, terrified that they'll overstep their bounds by pulling a new roll of bathroom tissue out from under the sink rather than yelling at you from the toilet to ask permission? Yes, being a gracious guest is important, but so is being a gracious host/hostess.
The only one of these that I might be a tiny bit annoyed by is inviting the other family to breakfast. If you didn't want that to happen, the appropriate thing to do in that situation would have been to say in the moment, "Unfortunately I don't think that'll work since we're so short on space. We'd love to have breakfast, though. How about we all meet at Betty's Diner at 9---our treat! They have great pancakes!"
Now FI relaying the whole argument to his sister----THAT'S a different story.
personally, it doesn't sound to me like they anything all that wrong...were you put out some, yes, sure, of course...but that's not only expected when you have overnight guests (especially in a small space)...I think it is something you deal with because you love your fiance and he loves his family.
The only thing I think was "wrong" was them inviting others to your apartment...and to that I would have said "hey, I know you're cooking, but I would appreciate if you would ask me about inviting people over"
and don't you talk to your siblings, do you count on them for support, I see nothing wrong with that either
I have to agree with all of this.
I know that my sisters and I will sometimes go to each other to discuss an argument that we've had with our SOs. We know it's not the norm and that sometimes you just have to vent and perhaps ask for advice on how to handle the situation. I don't think it's the end of the world that he talked it over with his sister -- if he ran and told it all to his parents that's a different story. However, if it's something you're uncomfortable with you need to be sure to address it now so he knows you prefer he doesn't discuss your arguments with anyone else (or just not family, whatever you feel).
I honestly don't think this is a situation where he should just lay down and cater to what you want. You both need to be honest about the situation but I don't think it calls for him standing up for you against his parents or you leave. It's not nearly so drastic. It's not like his parents were insulting you the whole time or making derogatory comments. Honestly, I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill and you'll see that yourself soon.
Definitely talk about what will happen when family visits in the future (everyone stays in hotels or everyone is welcome to stay with you) and get that ironed out. I would personally be irritated if my H wanted my parents to stay in a hotel every time they visited because it's a waste of money for them and they come to see us. I wouldn't ask my ILs to stay in a hotel either, but different strokes and all that. The important thing is to reach an agreement.
I think whether his decision to talk to his sister about your fight is a problem depends on their relationship and on how trustworthy she is. Everyone needs to be able to run things by a trusted confidante. It's one of the things that helps keep us out of manipulative and abusive relationships. My husband's pretty private, and he doesn't like it when I talk to other people about our marriage, but I've put my foot down about it. I don't blab indiscriminately, but sometimes I have to talk to someone else. My sister and I have kept each other's secrets for years; same with my best friend. Neither of them is going to use that information against my husband or me later. I feel like it's important to have one or two people who can tell me when they think something's gone wrong. I'd do the same for them.
Now, if that's not the kind of relationship he has with his sister, or if she's the type to gossip or tell their parents, or if she's likely to use what he told her to make you uncomfortable, he was totally out of line. If he was just confiding in someone he really trusts, I'd think long and hard before telling him that wasn't appropriate.
It pissed you off because they made themselves completely at home I want my ils to feel at home. Wish they would just help themselves.
Shouldn't we just assume her FI was ok with it and just didn't ask or tell her?
Ditto this poster - my DH doesn't tell his parents ANYTHING personal about our marriage other than, you know, he loves his wife and day to day happenings. Ditto me with my parents. Complaining to your families about your spouse is a bad, bad, bad road to go down and a lesson I thankfully learned in a previous relationship.
For sure and for shame. My FI has told me things like I'm his home, that he doesn't want to be with anyone other than me in the past couple of months. Now, a few days after the fight we had I was apologizing to him about some of the things, because they were petty and stupid, and probably not a big deal. I stuck my guns on the too small of a space issue and the talking behind my back. Long story short, he is now saying that he wants to break up. That he's only 70% sure I'm the one and that we don't fit. Well, I don't know how I feel right now, especially since he wants us to continue to live together. We moved in at the end of April and I would have thought that if he was only 70% sure we should not have moved in, or ANYTHING.
Now is he just mad at me and being a jerk, or does he really want to split? And if he is mad at me and just being a jerk, why would I even want to be with him now? I'm completely torn and this was such a waste of so many things.