March 2009 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Would you tell a friend...
If you didn't like her BF.
May I add in at one point you did like him, but now have changed feelings?
Do you..
1. Shut your mouth not your business.
2. Say something only if she brings up it up.
3. Call her today and express your concerns.
Long story short, my friend has been in a rocky relationship for over 2 years. At first I thought the guy was decent and now I'm seeing some signs of definite issues going on. He puts her down a lot and she acts like a different person when he is around-even DH noticed this yesterday at Robert's baptism and he never notices anything.
I'm thinking option 2.
Re: Would you tell a friend...
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This is always a tough situation, Alyssa.
In the past, I had a guy friend who was with this chic...and all of us (the group from college) didn't like her. He ended up marrying her...she ended up cheating on him within 3 months of their marriage...and he decided they were going to split up. When he came to visit me...I finally told him what we all were thinking...and he was so upset we didn't express our concerns then.
So I for one am in the school of thought of say what you mean and mean what you say and don't hold it back- within reason.
That being said, you have to be prepared for her to not like what you're going to say.
I was in a bad relationship before I met J and my whole family couldn't stand the douchecanoe. It REALLY strained my relationship with them- the bluntness killed me. I had a couple of friends who approached it a very gentle manner... and I would suggest going about it that approach. Be sincere, concerned, but not overly "he is a jerk/puts you down/etc," by doing that, you may cause her defense mechanism to rise like crazy and be upset with you/not talk to you.
I would maybe go about it like, "I've noticed a change in you- sometimes it is around your bf...I want to make sure everything is OK and want to make sure you know, that even though I am busy with Robert, I am always here to listen to you and be there for you" She may act confused, but if she is upset in the relationship, for instance, she'll know exactly what you're saying.
Good luck....!
I have been in this situation as well, over the years it really just depends on the person and how well you know them. I've seen relationships that really needed to be done with and I knew the person well enough to try to make them see it.
But then there are times, no matter how much you say, you're only going to hurt the relationship between you and your friend because they're not ready to hear what's going on just yet. The only thing you can do is support them and when the time comes help them out with the situaiton.
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Well, definitely be diplomatic about it, depending on the relationship you have with you friend.
My best friend, coincidentally named Eric, had a history of a slew of bad chicks he dated until he finally found his current wife. With him, I know I can be crazy blunt; he expects and wants it. I told him one of his girlfriends was being a hooker because she was still with him but living with some guy because she was having issues with her parents. He asked her if she was having sex with the guy and her answer was, "Well... he gives me food and a place to live." So I told him she was a hooker, just taking out the middle step of cash. With another chick, she was making him miserable and he planned to marry her "to strengthen their relationship." Ugh. He told me she wanted me to be a bridesmaid, and I told him I wouldn't even attend the wedding because I couldn't condone it. Because of me, he didn't marry her and saved himself a world of grief. Now he's got a wife I love and some really cute kids.
People know they can come to me for honest advice, even when it sucks.
As the recipient of advice... I appreciate honesty as much as I give it. I have friends to whom everything is "wonderful." While I love them, I take their opinions with a grain of salt because I know what I'm working with. The ones who are more brutally honest - Joe who tells me when my acting sucks, Laura who told me the guy I was dating was a selfish, self-centered cretin - them I trust for a straight story.
And the funny thing? When Laura told me that about the guy I was dating? I'd known her the shortest of that group of friends. She's the wife of one of my college friends. She pulled me outside to "help her garden" and just said, "No. No, no, no. He reminds me of a guy I used to date, and he's not for you." I didn't hate her for it, or even dislike her in the slightest. I also didn't break up with him immediately, but not long after that I realized she was right and I did.
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This is what I'm worried about.
A few years ago I had a friend MARRY a guy they met via MySpace from another country literally 6 months after they connected online. The separated after 3 weeks and got divorced. She then started dating this other guy soon after who treated her like crap as well. After I admitted to her that I wasn't so thrilled about the marriage with the last guy, she made me promise I'd always be blunt with her. I was about the next guy and guess what-we aren't friends anymore.
This friend though is definitely a little different then the other ex-friend. I know she values my opinion, but at the same time I don't want to get too involved. I think I may mention that I noticed things seemed a bit tense between them and just wanted to know if everything was alright and see what she says.
I think that is an excellent way to approach it.
Amelia is going to be a big sister!
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Ditto this and Ali