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Not sexually attracted to my husband
Please help! I've been with my husband for 8 years total, we've been married for 5. Our marriage is fantastic - I couldn't be happier, and I sincerely mean it. I married a wonderful, smart, loving, humble man and I am proud that he's my husband.
There's just one issue - my sex drive has diminished since we've gotten married. I don't mean to sound rude, but I honestly am not as attracted to my husband sexually, as I once was. He has gained 15-20 lbs since we've gotten married and I just don't feel that much attracted to him physically. This is not a problem for me - we have a great marriage, have fun together, laugh together and share many hobbies together. I'm fine with having sex once a week - the "physical" part of our relationship doesn't bother me. However, it bothers him. He'd like more sex - as every guy probably would - and I feel horrible that I can't seem to get excited for him, like I once did.
How do I get over this? He wants more sex, and I wouldn't mind it either, but I wish I could feel more attracted to him. Help, please!
Re: Not sexually attracted to my husband
15 or 20 pounds hardly makes him morbidly obese.
Even if he's a smallish guy with a small frame he may be a bit on the portly side but that would be about it. It's not a dangerous drastic weight change.
What wouldn't be a bad idea for you and for him: start eating healthier. Serve less fats (except for the healthy ones; google and ye shall find -- olive oil is healthy) and serve more lean meats, chicken, fish and veggies.
Go light on the salt; use other spices to pep up the food.
Finding an activity the both of you can do together would be great --- biking, rollerblading, ballroom dance, salsa dance lessons, sign up for coed sports lessons (tennis, kickbox, karate, etc)
Brown bagging your lunches would help, too --- use whole grain bread -- it'll save you both a pretty good chunk of change in the long run, too.
You don't have to say why you're doing this -- in fact, don't dare say it -- I don't think it'd be too cool if you said "You need to lose a few so I am cooking lighter." He'd get pretty po'd.
Sounds like he's gained 'the freshman 15.":) It's a funny thing: pretty much every newlywed I know gained about 10 or 15 pounds during the first year of marriage.
YOu are not "not attracted" to him per se -- it's normal for the animal attraction stage to wear off a bit. Passion comes and goes during a relationship, especially if you've been together for awhile.
In all honesty, I've gained 5 pounds, but that's it. Other than that, I've stayed the same - I run 5 days a week and eat healthy and that's why.
Of course, It's possible he might be thinking the same thing about me, but he's the one who usually initiates sex and he tells me on a regular basis how much he's attracted to me.
Sorry, I can not personally give you advice since we are only hearing one aspect of the whole matter. I am sure you love him but you are complaining about 15-20 pounds. If you love that man, there should still be some wanting in you to want to tear his clothes off. How do I know this? My husband LOST 20 pounds and he was already a slim man. But, when I see him I still see him with 20 pounds on him but now, I know better and feed him like crazy and make sure there is food for him here. Hoping to get him to brown bag it so he can keep eating.
I hate to say this but may be there is something else going on with you internally. Have you changed BCPs or taken on new jobs. Stress can sometimes lessen the ability to want to have sex.
As far as the weight is concerned, figure out what he is or isn't doing and modify the life. If you noticed that he is drinking much more soda. . .stop buying it as much and tell him he should begin drinking more water since it is getting warmer out. When making dinner, add more healthy items to his plate. If you are making him steak and potatoes daily. . . what do you expect? Go walking with him after work so he can get a chance to discuss his day with you without the TV on. Make it about him and less about you because that post sounds like you are a bit superficial. You LOVE that man, yes? If you truly love him, you will help out that little situation you have. Notice I said little. I am not joking. . . you have not cheated on him so this is a little problem. No one ever said marriage is easy but there are a few things we need to keep in line. communication, trust and love making.
Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it!
I do love him, dearly....but I'm basing my love on our emotional/mental relationship and not physical, and that's what I feel makes a good marriage. Yes, sex is important in a relationship, I do understand that, I just am not basing our happiness on sex.
I haven't changed BCPs and my life hasn't gotten any more stress than it did when we first met.
Thanks for your suggestions about eating habits. This past week I've stopped buying junk food he likes to eat and more fruits and veggies (which he doesn't even like so it's hard for him to eat them). He's in medical school and I'm a teacher and because of our crazy schedules we hardley have time to cook healthy dinners and therefore go out to eat a lot. I realize that this isn't helping so I'm going to start cooking more at home and healthy, too.
What else helps, too -- and this is great for all busy people on the run:
On sunday, make one main meal that you can have for the rest of the week.
Then serve variations of it all week.
Turkey breast, chili, meat loaf, ham, roast beef, lasagna, meatballs, baked ziti, roast chicken, stew --- and that's to name a few.
My husband has put on some weight since we got married as well....but that has not stopped me from wanting to jump his bones every chance i get. I love him even though he has put on the weight, and he's still great in bed.
I think that it is not a very good excuse.
This!
I suggest you talk to him about it. Maybe you are just thinking it's the weight gain, but maybe there are other underlying issues.
You need to think back to what got you to want to jump his bones in the past, mix things up a bit, try new things.
I believe this is indeed a problem. If you are sure that you are not attracted to him because of his weight, simply help him to lose weight without emphasizing that. Just cook differently. Men are able to lose weight easily!
But I'm afraid that is not the only issue. You know we are not really attracted to a body. We are attracted by smells, by certain touches, a certain warmth of his palms...a smile and a look...if you simply don't notice that about him...what can i say?!
Are you attracted to another man? No offense! Do you feel attraction to any man at all? Because if you don't find any one attractive than you have a problem. Something is not balanced anymore in your body...
When my husband and I first got married our sex life was great and about a month into it our marriage.... we had sex less and less. I'm comfortable with sex once a week, but I know deep down he wanted more. So I stopped trying to think of myself and what I want. The days he would try, I made myself start kissing him passionately and within minutes I would want to take my pants off. Even if I didn't want it, I would give him head just so I knew he wasn't goin somewhere else for it. I love my husband and it's not that I wasn't attracted to him, it was seriously a mental game in my head. I had to get over it, so I started to try new things like pheramones (I don't know how its spelled), and sexy clothes for myslef to put me in a different state of mind. Sex texting during the day gets you thinking about sex all day, anticipation for whats to come. Research foods that increase sex hormones. There are even vitamins that increase hormones naturally. Go to slumberparties.com and you can find a bunch of sex toys, oils, stuff that helps YOU get in the mood for sex. It's not gonna change over night, it is definitly a process of changing the way you think, but it is worth it in the long run.
If your thinking that 'Just Do IT' to make him happy is something you can't do, look at it from a different point of view. If it was you being turned down night after night from your spouse, wouldn't you start to feel like something is wrong with you? It is heart braking for both people in the relationship. When you start to do the motions of foreplay your body instinctly wants more. I'm not saying that every time he initiates sex that you have try. But it helps to start at trying to change your state of mind and go from there, and be honest with him, tell him you feel like your sex drive is down and that you want to try something new but its not gonna happen over night and if he loves you, he will be supportive.
Despite your mentioning it, I don't think it's really about the weight. Consider talking to your doctor. They can help you figure out if it's in your head or a hormonal thing. After I had my child my desire for sex drastically changed. We tackled one thing at a time and found that not only life with a baby, but the incredible stress of my job, a stressful situation in our family, and it was even suspect that a slight hormonal change that caused the scales to tip in a negative direction. Thankfully by working thru some of the issues it came back. Not as strong as before, but enough for both of us to really feel better and satisfied, as well as give us the push to keep trying to improve it.
My point...look at your whole life in general. Something else may be affecting it. The two of you may have to open up to one another and discuss it a little and try new things outside your comfort zone to bring back that spark. And lower your expectations. Don't put so much stress on yourselves to make it what it once was. This is normal. No matter how attracted or hot your relationship and sex once was, it will die down and change over time as your life changes. It takes work to keep it at a satisfactory level no matter how much in love you are.
to be honest, I'm having the complete OPPOSITE problem these days. We've been married nearly two years now and the sex isn't NEARLY as much as I would want it! He's constantly saying that he's exhausted and tired and stressed from work...blah blah blah...and my hubby has gained 20 lbs since being married too. He was already a bit pleasantly plump anyway, but I still want get it whenever I can...it kills me because I think he's not attracted to me anymore...I've gained about 15 lbs,too, but I was already petite to begin with...
Like most others who have posted, I think your decrease of libido has another underlying cause. Talk to him...it may help. Good luck!
Wow I thought I was the only person going through this. My fiancee and I are in the same situation. We have been dating for 3 years and known each other for all our lives so intially for me it was weird when things got intimate. when we started dating we had sex a few times a week. I have had more sexual partners than he has had, so he is a little bit inexperienced as well. So for me I thought that was a factor because even foreplay was not getting me in the mood. I simply lost my desire for sex and even masturbating. So I feel you in this department. I also worry that this is going to affect our upcoming marriage and lives together and that he will start resenting me. The strain of this problem is weighing heavily on us eventhough we love each other. I know he is a great guy and he has told me that he will never leave me because of this problem and he is willing to do anythin to help me get through this feeling.
We talk about everything and sadly talking about it is getting annoying. So I beleive that we need some time apart. You know the saying distance makes the heart grow fonder. I think just being with each other day in and day out we have gotten so used to each other and the excitement (butterflies) is gone. I love him and I know he is my soulmate I just need to do some soul searching and redo my mentality! I wish you luck as well. I think its harder on us women than the men.?
IF you think that it is truly the weight that's not making you as sexually attracted to him as you once were and that your hubby minus 15 pounds truly is the antidote, there is a psychology trick you can try. (I want to forewarn you, though, that while this works in theory, it may not work practically considering time constraints, etc.)
While subtly cutting out junk food may do the trick, it may be that he needs to start exercising as well. Enter you. It sounds like you regularly exercise, so I would start by talking him in to coming with you. If he doesn't run, find some workout activity that you two can do together. This can include lifting weights, bicycling - really anything that allows you to keep a conversation going (but try to keep it "manly"). After each time you work out, reward him in some sexual way (since that's apparently what he's looking for). I'm not saying you need to jump his bones every time you two get home from working out - although that wouldn't hurt - but hints such as sexy stares, checking him out (and possibly announcing that you're checking him out, since some people are not great with subtleties), as well as comments about how sexy you think it is when you see him sweat, or how great he looks the morning after a hard workout will definitely help. Over time, he will start to associate appearing sexy and getting you turned on with working out. These actions on your part may seem forced at first, but as you start to become accustomed to being extra flirtatious (and as he starts shedding some extra weight) they won't.
In the mean time, don't mention that you want him to lose weight, that you're trying to get "both of you" to lose weight, or in any way nag. Men (and women as well) learn best through positive reinforcement, not complaints. Look for ways in which you can compliment him and anything he's doing (intentionally or not) that relates to being healthy and getting fit. And remember, it sounds like in your case that sex is the greatest reward.
This way of trying to change behavior is known in psychology as "operant conditioning". You can look it up on the internet if you want more information on how it all works.
A few extra (nerdy) notes:
Since he's a med student, I'm sure he's not getting as much sleep as he technically should be. This is counterproductive, considering the more testosterone he has, the easier he'll lose the extra fat (and pack on some muscle), yet the less sleep he gets, the more his testosterone levels will suffer and the more his cortisol levels will rise (not good). There are some ways you can try to give him that extra hormone boost naturally, but take them with a grain of salt:
Don't be worried about increasing your own testosterone levels. Weight training is GREAT for girls too (no, you won't hulk out unless you're taking crazy supplements). A slight increase in testosterone will help you stay slim and increase your libido!
Finally, women commonly don't feel "in the mood" until AFTER the foreplay has started and they're getting sexual stimulation of some kind. Keep this in your mind the next time you don't necessarily "feel like it". After you get over the starting hump (no pun intended), you'll likely find that you actually enjoyed it.
Are you not attracted to him because he gained wt or because he spice is gone from you relationship. If it's the weight gain maybe work out together or go for walks. If the spice is gone, talk to him figure out things to do to increase the attraction, read books, or maybe see a therapist. Watch porn together.
If it's your libido talk to your doctor. Are you on medications? I had a similar problem. I was always attracted to my husband and then we both put on weight and i noticed I just had an overall decreased libido. I thought maybe I'm getting older and the weight gain. Then I went off my birth control after 14 yrs and now my libido has returned. Things are great.
good luck