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soon to be married and I HATE our sex life
FI and I have been engaged for 3+ years for many reasons (school primarily) and when we first started dating, we had great sex. 4+ years later the only sex we have is when I instigate and only after much convincing.
I work shift work and am away all week and only home during the weekends, one would think that would lead to a great sex life but that is not the case. He refuses to talk about his interests, fantasies, etc. I've tired watching porn (he refuses, feels too awkward), tired asking what he masturbates to and he doesn't want to talk about it.
Since we go to bed at different times I've tired to instigate at different times of the day (in the morning, after work, early evening, going to bed earlier/later).
Before FI I loved sex and considered myself (and others before FI) to be a more than competent companion; not shy, vocal with my needs and wants, etc. Now I honestly could go an eternity without having sex, it's emotionally painful, there is no foreplay, no romance etc.
I know it's probably not just FI, but I'm at a total loss. Sex before FI was such an important thing for me (without being a slut) and I love him but honestly there is no chemistry at the moment. It makes me so sad.
Today I put on some beautiful provocative lingerie, walked into the bedroom while he was changing and all I got from him was "did you let the dogs outside? should i open the window?" I was so hurt, while I have no ill feeling about instigating (equal rights ya'll!), how far do I take it before I just look desperate and pathetic?!
I would love to hear some ideas (beyond you should go to counseling, etc) of what I can try/do.
Thanks ladies.
Re: soon to be married and I HATE our sex life
It would be a good idea to put the wedding on hold until you figure this out. It's a bad sign that he won't talk to you about it. Letting him know that sex is a deal-breaker for you may motivate him to fix the problem.
If he is unwilling to work on this, think long and hard about signing up for a sexless marriage.
I think you should also put things on hold. You need to speak with him and see if he feels the same and if he is willing to work on this issue with you. It will not change once you get married and it's not going to change by itself.
So, you continue to make wedding plans and your sex life is non-existant? This will only get worse.
Contrary to what some people think sex is extremely important to a relationship and is one of the biggest reasons for divorce. So, you need to fix this BEFORE you get married or you'll regret marrying him sooon after.
Have a look at the thread a bit down, the one where the OP is shouting "he's not gay and he's not cheating."
He too won't do anything about it and he won't talk about it.
She also married the guy knowing full well their sex life was lousy --- she ignored the problem while they were dating and engaged.
I will give the same advice: Talk to him; he owes it to you to make sure you're happy and satisfied and that your sex life is satisfying and with no problems at all.
And indeed put the wedding date on hold while this matter is being settled. (I do not think your FI is gay or cheating)
It's possible also that this relationship's seen its day and its run its course. If that's the case he should be honest with you and you should cut your losses and go -- a disconnect in the sack usually is indicative of other problems. GL.
Like PP said, please put your wedding on hold! The two of you definately need to discuss this situation and if he is unwilling to do that, you need to decide if you are willing to continue in this relationship. This problem will not magically get better but it will get a lot worse if it's not addressed and worked on.
I was in the same position as you are....I am getting married this Saturday and for a long time FI and I had a lot of sex issues, mainly lack of sex. A week before we got engaged I told him that he needs to figure out why he has no sex drive or we need to see a sex therapist and that things need to change in a major way before he ever thinks of asking me to marry him....a week later he proposed, and obviously I said yes because he is the love of my life...but that did NOT take away from our sex issues.
For the next couple months I just got so busy with wedding plans that I didn't even realize that we had gone over a month without sex, and he obviously didn't realize (or care) either. In his defense he works night shift as an ICU RN (stressful job, we are both ICU RN's), he is currently going full time to school to get his masters for Nurse Practitioner and we have been renovating our house...so needless to say he has a lot of stress, but that doesn't make it ok to have a nonexistant sex life. Granted when we do have sex it is amazing, but again thats when it actually happens!
I would talk to him about it all the time, it would cause huge fights and nothing ever came from it... until one day (about 4 months ago) I got so upset, I was crying and told him I thought we should postpone the wedding because sex is a huge part of a relationship and I was NOT happy and it only gets worse once you are married and have kids (although you need to have sex to have kids!!) Finally he realized what a huge problem this was and how upset it was making me and he vowed to make sex and being intimate with me a priority. Naturally at first I was still skepical since we had this fight so many times before, but I think telling him that we needed to postpone the wedding really struck a nerve with him and made him realize how serious I was about this issue.
Thankfully our sex life has really picked up in the past couple months and to my surprise it wasn't just him being in the mood when I would initiate, HE initiated too (and more than me for a change!) Sorry for this long rant, but my point is you need to talk to him and find a way to make him see how much he is hurting you by denying you. Tell him that you are seriously thinking about postponing or even cancelling the wedding and see what he says....if that doesn't make him realize then unfortunately maybe it is time to move on. Good Luck!!
This may be an issue as well. He needs to satisfy you first before he does it on his own. I have absolutely no problem with FI masterbating, as long as I'm getting mine too! I told FI flat out that I am ALWAYS in the mood so if at any point in time he gets aroused by whatever to come to me first (even if he has to wake me up!) because I would much rather him have sex with me than his hand! Like I said, I have no problem with him doing it alone (because I do too) but WE need to be satisfied as a couple before we do it alone. It seemed to work because he has woke me up a couple times now in an awesome way
First and foremost, you need to communicate with your FI, its good practice for marriage anyway 
Reaching the other side of the altar will not fix this problem. If anything, it will make it worse. I have observed many accounts of "XYZ was great while we were dating, but as soon as we got married, PTTTTTH!"
Inconvenient as it may be, awkward as it may be to explain to friends and relatives, however many deposits you may lose, however big of a pain in the ass it is... postpone the wedding. For your own sake. I promise you won't last long if you don't address this issue.
I would give him an ultimatum. Start talking to you about this issue, or you're done. No wedding, no sex, no relationship, no nothing. Communication is HA-YUGE in a relationship, wedded or no. If you don't have that, you're going to crumble pretty fast, and pretty painfully. Either establish it with this guy, or find someone else with whom you can.