Discussion from KKITM

bobbileighb · June 2011

I am listening to the replay of kkitm and one of the topics they discussed was after marriage is it reasonable to expect your husband/wife to maintain their physical apperance?

I see both sides of the story. Part of the attraction is physical and that many times if you gain a lot of weight or quit caring that it can also change your confidence and overall demeanor which can have an impact on the relation. On the other hand I am in love with so much more in Matt than just his looks that I am confident that if we had a lull in the physical attraction we would still be a-okay based on our actual feelings for each other.

What are your thoughts?

sparklingdiamond · June 2011

I can also see both sides. But personally, I feel like if you let yourself go or stop caring about what you look like, there's something deeper going on. Of course I want my DH to find me attractive, but I also want to look attractive for myself if that makes sense. And for me to just totally let myself go, I would have to be pretty depressed or something.

MrsLynch0516 · June 2011

sparklingdiamond:
I can also see both sides. But personally, I feel like if you let yourself go or stop caring about what you look like, there's something deeper going on. Of course I want my DH to find me attractive, but I also want to look attractive for myself if that makes sense. And for me to just totally let myself go, I would have to be pretty depressed or something.

My thoughts exactly

juliebug1997 · June 2011

If looks were the main reason that someone got married, then they got married under false pretenses. Looks are bound to change unless you spend tens of thousands of dollars to make sure they don't. I just think that if your expectation is that your spouse is never going to change physically, then you really are....well, pretty shallow and shouldn't have gotten married.

danac2010 · June 2011

juliebug1997:
If looks were the main reason that someone got married, then they got married under false pretenses. Looks are bound to change unless you spend tens of thousands of dollars to make sure they don't. I just think that if your expectation is that your spouse is never going to change physically, then you really are....well, pretty shallow and shouldn't have gotten married.

Yes

This is exactly my thinking but you put it into words so much better than I could. DH and I started dating when I was 60 lbs heavier. I lost weight for me, not him. He loves me for me, not my size. I'm not saying there is no physical attraction but I also know that for him being physically attracted to me is always there because of the bond we have. We have actually talked about this because my biggest fear was that after I have a baby I might put the weight back on and I didn't want him to love me less. He told me how he feels and I am confident things won't change. DH has put on about 30 lbs since we started dating. It doesn't make me love him any less. (Sidenote: DH had the 30lbs to gain, he was skinny when we started dating!)

bobbileighb · June 2011

I was 50 pounds heavier 2 years ago and still have 40-50 to lose and I didnt feel any less loved by Matt at that weight than I do now. However I was miserable at that weight, which made me moody and it did put a very slight strain on things just because I wasnt really myself.

bsn1752 · June 2011

While I agree with all of you on the notion - I will love my DH no matter what... I have to say that physicial attraction (i.e. sex), is a huge part of any romantic relationship. I want to continue to be sexually attractive to my DH, and him to me. A lot of times, when the sex life isn't there, that's when other things start to go down hill.

I initially was attracted to my DH because of his physicial looks (since we can't see their personalities on the outside), and then from there, something deeper formed. Therefore, I'd like to remain attractive for him... and for me.

Tiffany618 · June 2011

I heard the discussion too.

The thing is, everyone is going to age and change. You have to be open to this idea. Your hair and makeup won't always be perfect and your legs won't always be shaved to perfection. Your not dating anymore. That's part of being in an adult relationship.

However, I think the problem begins with either husband or wife completely changes their lifestyle for the worst. (I.e. wife gains weight because she used to hit the gym a few times a week and now she sits on the sofa and eats Little Debbie cakes or something) That is where you run into a problem, because that isn't the person you married.

bsn1752 · June 2011

Tiffany618:

I heard the discussion too.

The thing is, everyone is going to age and change. You have to be open to this idea. Your hair and makeup won't always be perfect and your legs won't always be shaved to perfection. Your not dating anymore. That's part of being in an adult relationship.

However, I think the problem begins with either husband or wife completely changes their lifestyle for the worst. (I.e. wife gains weight because she used to hit the gym a few times a week and now she sits on the sofa and eats Little Debbie cakes or something) That is where you run into a problem, because that isn't the person you married.

Yes, I 100% agree with all of the above.

juliebug1997 · June 2011

I just think it's unrealistic to expect that as you age together, as she has children and then hits menopause, that things aren't going to change in some way.

MarieSD · June 2011

bobbileighb:
I am listening to the replay of kkitm and one of the topics they discussed was after marriage is it reasonable to expect your husband/wife to maintain their physical apperance?

I don't understand the wording of this. I'm going to change drastically in the next 60 years of our marriage. Even if I do everything right, there's a chance my hair will thin drastically, my skin will get very wrinkled through no fault of my own, I will have marks/changes to my body from pregnancy, I might shrink when I'm 80, etc. I'm not going to be able to "maintain" looking 27, no matter what I do.

And my DH is likely going to lose his hair when he's older, all of it. Most likely, he's going to be hairier and he won't be thin with a fantastic metabolism like he is now.

So -- I wonder if they meant "is it reasonable to expect your partner to stay the same weight?" To me, weight is the only thing you can really control.

And even to that, my answer is no. I don't expect my exceptionally thin twenty-something husband to remain this same weight, and he'd better not expect me to stay at my current weight, especially when we have children. No way no how.

bobbileighb · June 2011

MarieSD:

bobbileighb:
I am listening to the replay of kkitm and one of the topics they discussed was after marriage is it reasonable to expect your husband/wife to maintain their physical apperance?

I don't understand the wording of this. I'm going to change drastically in the next 60 years of our marriage. Even if I do everything right, there's a chance my hair will thin drastically, my skin will get very wrinkled through no fault of my own, I will have marks/changes to my body from pregnancy, I might shrink when I'm 80, etc. I'm not going to be able to "maintain" looking 27, no matter what I do.

And my DH is likely going to lose his hair when he's older, all of it. Most likely, he's going to be hairier and he won't be thin with a fantastic metabolism like he is now.

So -- I wonder if they meant "is it reasonable to expect your partner to stay the same weight?" To me, weight is the only thing you can really control.

And even to that, my answer is no. I don't expect my exceptionally thin twenty-something husband to remain this same weight, and he'd better not expect me to stay at my current weight, especially when we have children. No way no how.

I think part of it was meant as weight but also it was meant as in making the effort to remain physically attractive. As Tiffany said in the example of quit going to the gym and instead sit on the couch and eat junk.

bsn1752 · June 2011

To me, I interpret it to mean "are you going to stay at your best"... not necessarily weight, skin, etc... but at your best at your different stages of life. That's what I based my answer off of anyway.

MarieSD · June 2011

bobbileighb:
I think part of it was meant as weight but also it was meant as in making the effort to remain physically attractive. As Tiffany said in the example of quit going to the gym and instead sit on the couch and eat junk.

Hmm. Well, I haven't worked out in over a year (neither has DH), my "hair routine" is washing it and letting it air dry, and my "beauty routine" is washing my face and putting on chapstick. So .... yeah, I can promise DH to maintain that level of effort and interest in my appearance over the next 60 years.

ETA: I just realized I'm probably the "letting yourself go" version of some of you ladies. Thank goodness I just got the Olay Clarisonic-type device ... I now give myself facials, so that counts as keeping myself up, right?

Summerof09 · June 2011

I think you should maintain your physical appearance for yourself, and your health. Not for anyone else.

I love my DH for who he is, fat, skinny, bald, full head of hair. But, if he stopped working out and started eating big macs every day I would be concerned for his health and wonder what was going on. I knew going into marriage that I married someone who cares to keep up with their fitness and health, because that's how I am.

Will I still love him when we are 70 and don't look good anymore? Of course. Because if you can't be in love with someone because they don't look the same as when you married them, you have bigger problems.

DH and I have talked about when I get pregnant, we both would prefer for me to get the weight off as fast as possible after I have the baby, but will he still be attracted to me when I'm a few pounds heavier? Yes. Would he prefer me be back down to pre-pregnancy weight? Sure, I know I will too.

I've always cared about my appearance and body for myself, which is why I don't see marriage as any other reason to "let myself go."

serlace · June 2011

Summerof09:
I think you should maintain your physical appearance for yourself, and your health. Not for anyone else.

This.

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