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Totally unrelated, but a much needed vent!
I'm afraid I might go off on someone if I don't get it out of my system, so I'm sounding off on you guys! (sorry, but it's safer than going off on my co workers)
I find the term "Real Dad" and "Real Mom" extremely annoying when referring to biological parents! It makes me mad to hear people say it. As the biological mother to a beautiful 17 year old girl, I would be appalled to hear her refer to me as her "Real Mom"! And I would correct her in an instant! I think it is completely disrespectful to the loving parents who adopted a child and raised that child as their own! THEY are the "Real Parents", and any insinuation that they are not real parents is insulting!
My biological daughter has two wonderful parents (who just so happen to be family) and I am grateful every day that she has the opportunities that I could not give her. The fact that I gave birth to her, and love her dearly, does not make me her real mom. Her real mom has loved her since the day she was born as well and has done the work that I could not do to raise her at the time. You do not have to give birth to a child to be a REAL PARENT!!!!
Sorry for the rant, but it's driving me nuts today.
Re: Totally unrelated, but a much needed vent!
Thank you so much for posting this. I was feeling the same way for the last few days. My husband and I are raising our three year nephew. We love this boy with all of our heart. I feel like we are taking the roles of his parents and the same issues "normal" parents have we have. We buy all of his clothes, shoes, toys, and pay for his school. He knows who his Mom is, and he has no clue who his Dad is. If I am talking about parent issues or something, I hear people say will it is different for you, you and your husband are not real parents. It really hurts because I no I am not his Mom, but his Mom cannot be his "Mom," at this time. God has place two people in his life that can take the role of parents figures for him.
Even his sister says I know Te Te you are not our Mom, but you are our Mom, you take care of us, you make sure we have the things we need, to me that is a Mom.
I just hate when people say you are not real parents. Sorry did not mean to take over your vent.
It's just something that seems to have popped up quite a bit lately for friends and family in my life and it really grates on my nerves.
Being as I have a different perspective on it since I am the "bio mom", I guess it just really hits home for me sometimes, especially around Mother's Day and Father's Day.
Personally, I never in a million years ever considered myself a parent until 2 years ago when my son was born and I was actually capable of assuming the role of parent. I think it's something that is earned.
I completely agree with you and I hope to adopt one day...
I do however, work with adopted children for a living, and sometimes it is just a connection issue (about where they came from, etc) and many get treated differently and teased at school because it's not the "real" mother or father that they live with. I think because I see this and hear this, that I am also able to see it better from their point of view. And I don't think it's meant in the way that we as adults perceive it. I get mad at my coworkers when they refer to the "bio" mom or "foster mom"... these people have names!
I also want to add that many many many of these kids have so many great and awesome things to say about their adoptive parents.
Definitely.
Who's saying real mother? Is this one person or lots of people? Because in my experience, it just doesn't happen. And that's with both years of professional service with foster/adoptive children and in my ordinary life.
People dance around terms of endearment and respect like "bio", "step", "bonus", "foster". It's hard but its not mean or spiteful. I've even heard "sperm donors" for absentee dads to describe that mess. It's complicated.
Does this come up a lot in your life? I absolutely think people consider adopted parents as "real moms'' and "real dads".
Who doesn't?
I don't think I say "Real" mom but I do correct people when they refer to my step mother as my mom. I love my step mom but I don't call her Mom. My actual mother called me at work (she lives 2000km away and never calls). Co-worker told me my mom was on the phone, I was confused and said "like my Mom-mom or my step mom??" I don't thinkI'm disrespectful to SM but I do think it would hurt my real mom's feelings if I started called them both mom.
AMEN! I am an adopted child and I hate when people ask me if I've ever met my "real mom." I always respond, "Umm, yes, she raised me." I have not met my genetic/biological mother or father
I'm currently going through the adoption process, too, and I find the "real mom" comment hurtful as well.
(Don't think I am a flake because of my AE. I was writing something personal on another site and desired anonymity. Ignore the sig.)
I don't have children, but about 3 years ago I met my sister through MySpace. She sent me a message asking me is John Doe your Dad? I replied yes, who is this? and she explained. She had never met my Dad, she was only 11 months older than me, had a 6 month old son, and only lived 10 minutes away. Apparently, my Dad had a relationship with a woman and she got pregnant several years back. Now, I pick up my nephew once a week to spend the day with him. My sister & I are as close as if we were to have grown up together in the same household if not closer.
I hate when people call her my HALF sister or say something like my nephew isn't really my nephew or that she isn't my real sister! It's obnoxious!
I have two brothers I grew up with and now I have a sister also. If I found out tomorrow that one of my brothers weren't my Dads biological son because my Mom messed around in their marriage or something, would they be any less my brothers?? No!
Just because we don't have the same biological mother doesn't make us any less family. Also, her mother is great and I have a nice relationship with her as well. Biology isn't what makes a family.
I agree ^^^ I have 2 sisters on from my mom and one from my dad. It drives me absolutely crazy for someone to say Oh but shes only your half sister or Shes not your real sister. HELLO we still are related. I hate how people think the relationship is less because of who the parents are. So what if its not from both parents I still love my sisters and my nephews.
I hate when people look down on relationships or family members etc bc of that.I'm closer to my sisters than you are to your "real" brother and sister. Blah.
My aunt (my mothers sister) calls my sister my HALF sister all the time-- which makes me want to punch her in the face because THEIR brother who is my Godfather is THEIR half-brother because they're mother (my deceased gma) messed around in the marriage.
I think next time she says something like half sister, half nephew or something similar I'm going to make sure I casually mention something about my HALF uncle. See how they feel.
I love my sister & my nephew just as much as my brothers who I was raised with. And honestly, there are times when my sisters mother has been there for me emotionally more than my own mother. So, screw anybody who says people aren't your "REAL" family because they don't share 100% of your DNA.
Most of the people who are my "real" family-- aunts, uncles, cousins, etc-- are all insane anyway & I wish I could pretend I didn't know them -- hahaa