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Hello I have an issue if someone can give me advice
Hi first off let me tell you a little bit of my life. I'm married and have 3 children. My dh does not know his father. He has always wanted to find his father but doesn't know how he will react when/if he does find him. His father did not take responsibility when he got dh's mom pregnant. He left and she never heard from him (at least that's what she says).
My thing is I was online and just searched his name to see if i would find anything. Well I got a phone number and I'm debating wether tell dh about it or just call that number and see if it belongs to his dad. What would you do if this was you? Dh did get some phone numbers awhile back but he said he never called bc he was afraid his father would not want to talk to him (if that was really him). Should I (as his wife) make some calls for him and see if I can get to talk to his father? Or should I just tell him I was looking for his father and found some numbers and ask him if he wants to call or wants me to call for him. TIA
Re: Hello I have an issue if someone can give me advice
Don't even mention the number. Say nothing about what you have found.
IF your H wants to contact his dad, he'll do it when he is ready.
You don't think your H has ever googled his dad's name? I'm not trying to be mean, but I imagine google would be the first place to start if you were looking for someone, right?
To answer your question, I would absolutely NOT call, that is your H's decision. Also, I would tell him you were thinking about his situation, googled his dad, came up with a number and see what he wants to do from there.
BUTT. OUT.
Unless you have CIA access or something, you probably didn't stumble across any information that your husband never could've found on his own. If your husband really wanted to talk to his father, he would've found that number himself (and I'm betting he found it quite a while ago) and made the call.
Stay out of it. If your husband doesn't want to talk to his father, then there's a reason for that and it's not up for you to try and convince him otherwise. If this guy abandoned his pregnant wife/girlfriend/whatever, then do you really want to bring him back into your family anyway? Especially since there are kids in the picture.
If it comes up in conversation with him, I don't think it's a huge deal to mention that you were curious and found the number, but don't push the issue. And DEFINITELY do not make the call on your husband's behalf. That's crossing all kinds of boundaries and it's just a recipe for disaster.
Yes, thanks I will metion to him that I was thinking about him and googled his fathers name. I'll see what he says and does.
74 books read in 2011
But what if it doesn't (and it most likely won't) work that way? The man who's sperm created your husband could have easily, easily tracked your husband down by now had he really wanted to. If this man was interested in being a father and having a relationship, he's had many, many years to reach out. He hasn't - that obviously means something. I can't imagine that having someone who rejected you before you were even born rejecting you again would be good for your emotional well-being.
My husband doesn't know his bio dad either, the fuuker walked out on my MIL when my H and his brother were very young. Sure, my H has expressed sorrow about not having a father, and frustration at not knowing half of his genetic make-up. But he has NO interest in meeting the man. None. And if I tried to track him down to arrange some cute little reunion, it would cause irrepairable damage to my husband and our marriage.
So yeah - butt out of this. It's frankly none of your business, and you have the power to really mess people up.
I would encourage your H to go into therapy to deal with his abandonment issues. If your H is getting drunk, getting emotional, and punching walls, obviously this is a big deal to him! And I would not make it an optional issue - if your H is punching walls while drunk and you have a children, your H needs to clean up his act.
There might be groups that deal with abandonment issues on the internet (chat boards, etc.) about people who try and find lost loved ones, deal with the feelings of being adopted, or having a parent leave them, not knowing birth parents, etc. I would check some out and see if any fit your dh's.
EVERY PERSON IS DIFFERENT. I have friends who were adopted who had absolutely zero interest in meeting their birth parents, and friends who never felt complete until they met their birth parents. There is no right or wrong attitude.
Once your H is seeing a counselor, he might have the courage to contact his dad...or the courage to not contact his dad and be at peace with his decicision.
Yeah, don't call the guy. If your H is talking to you about it, you could offer to make a call if he felt too nervous but wanted to. However, I think this kind of thing is best handled by the actual person, even though I know you care and are just trying to help him.
I have a bio mother I have not met (I was adopted). We had contact a few years ago and then she just stopped emailing me. Not even an email to say that she could not keep contact, she just left me hanging. Whatever, I turned out fine--but when people hear this, ALL of them tell me I should get in contact again, give her a chance, etc. They usually debate it with me when I tell them I am not interested.
So I think it is really hard for people who don't have a parent (or just a bio parent) that they haven't met to understand this. Sometimes it just isn't that important to meet them, or, more often, it does not turn out well.
First, ditto Wahoo. Your DH needs counseling to help deal with this.
Then, ditto maybride. what is it that you all think is going to happen? this man has never searched for your DH. I really doubt it's going to be a happy "my long lost son!!!!!" kind of reunion.
Which circles back to counseling. IF your DH does eventually try to contact his father, when it doesn't go as expected, he's going to need help dealing with it.
I think your focus really needs to be more on "let's find a way to deal w/ your feelings of not having a father figure in your life" than "let's find your dad!".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto the butt out comments.
Dittoing all the Butt Out messages.
Also wondering, what is it about your relationship with your H that makes you think that you can do it, but he can't? If I really wanted to do something (find someone, accomplish something, etc), I'd do anything in my power to make it happen. And the same goes for my H.
As someone whose husband grew up in a similar situation, I would advise you not to do anything. As others have said, your husband has probably already discovered the same information you did, and it's up to him if and when to try to make contact. The best that you can do for him is to be supportive of however he decides to handle the relationship, or lack thereof, with his father.
Whatever he decides to do, it sounds like counseling is an absolute must. He might never have the chance to get resolution from his dad, and he needs to learn more productive ways to cope with the feelings of abandonment and anger. It's understandable that he would have such negative feelings, but drinking and getting upset and physical aggression will only harm him and people close to him.
Sis, you have other problems, and major ones.
Likes to drink?
Punched a wall because he got emotional over it?
At this point, a phone number possibly belonging to his dad is not your problem. Your drunken husband and his drunken escapades are. Consider telling him "it's the alcohol or us" and if he picks the booze, pack up and get out.
And oh yeah: AlAnon for you. It would be a splendid idea for you to drop in.
This.
This.
Really? NO - overwhelmingly the cooler heads have said to stop meddling. If you truly want to support your husband, then help him find a therapist for dealing with abandonment issues and his drinking, and perhaps you go to Alanon yourself.
This. Exactly.
Butt out. Unless your DH needs a kidney, forget you ever googled.
Maybe he is missing something. Maybe it's the hurt, disappointment and drama associted with a man who didn't have it in him to be a dad. Seriously. If this is a recurring issue, talk to your DH about his drinking.