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SIL and birthdays
There's absolutely no point to this post other than to show you what we deal with in regards to SIL (DH's sister).
She turned 40 earlier this year. She had three parties - one on the day of, one on the "average" of her birthday and her H's (don't ask... 
), and one on her H's (because when she's around, it's all about her anyway... it's just how she is).
My H is having a birthday later this month. Not a huge, milestone birthday, but a birthday nonetheless. And within that same week, it's Father's Day.
Will she be around for either? Nope. She and her H are going out of town that week. To be honest, I'm kinda glad she won't be around (she's a drain on the energy reserves - she's one of those people who suck all the energy out of the room, and I'm an intravert anyway), but it just shows you what kind of person she is. H isn't disappointed (he's used to her and is very much a "shrug it off" kinda man) but it's just... yeah, that's how she is.
Re: SIL and birthdays
Nobody says you have to attend all of her birthday parties. If you do, that's your choice.
I'd celebrate the fact that she is out of town by throwing a bbq or something for dh and invite your cool friends that you don't want to be exposed to her.
Oh, we don't attend, or if we do, it's a five-minute drop in thing. I don't have a problem with her celebrating however she wants - that's totally up to her. I just think it's hypocritical that she won't give as good as she gets.
DH and I are going to do dinner with his folks one night, and then do a private/just the two of us dinner another night. We're not huge social butterflies and neither of us are 'huge birthday party' types.
My sister is of a similar nature.
For her last birthday, she invited a sh!tload of friends to NYC for a week long trip to celebrate her. She made a *schedule* of museum trips, yoga classes, dinners etc for people to follow.
The kicker was that she convinced a friend to let her crash on her couch, so no hotel costs for her and she told my dad she wanted him to cover her airfare as a birthday gift. So she expected her friends to pay for travel and accommodations, when she was not.
NONE of her friends flew in and three of the people she knows in NYC didn't get together with her at all while she was there.
Love this idea!
Your sister is a peach. Glad her friends didn't give into her for this. I found that amusing.
OP I definitely understand your frustration about your SIL. My sister is also one of those all about herself. She likes to be the center of attention, and since I'm an introvert, I've been guilty of stepping back and letting her be. She also tends to have meltdowns at family get togethers (thank God these are not common on my side of the family) and practically ruined Christmas with one of her meltdowns.