Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
child visitation/family law question
My Fianc?e has a six year old daughter with a former girlfriend. She wont let him see her. He is behind on child support due to a long period of unemployment, but has started to repay it. When his daughter was younger he spent time with her. He had a falling out with his ex and didn't get to see his daughter for quite some time. A year ago, when it was convenient for his ex, he got to start seeing his daughter, but only when his ex dictated. He took her on a couple weekends, and even had her over night once. Then his ex found out that he and I were engaged and wouldn't let him see his daughter anymore. He has not been a constant in his daughter's life, but he would like to be. He is trying to talk his ex into letting him see his daughter, he even went so far as to tell her that we had split up. Today she found out we are still together, and told him he would never see his daughter. We live in Oregon, and she lives in Washington, but we are only about 30 minutes apart. Does he have any legal rights to see his daughter? If so how would he go about getting to see her? It is killing him that she isn't part of his life, and while he may have been young and stupid in the past, he is trying to make amends now. I don't know how I can help him, and I hate how this hurts him. We don't have the money to seek out a lawyer. Any advice?
Re: child visitation/family law question
Wasn't there an attorney for your FI and one for his ex?
Child custody and visitation needed to be determined in a court of law --- was it? If so, she's in violation of the ruling -- or something happened where your FI wasn't permitted to see the child.
If there was no attorney involved on either side back then, he needs one now. Let him call Legal Aid to get one he can afford or he can try his nearest law school for a reference.
GL. If all was on the up and up and he did nothing wrong, his ex is holding his daughter at bay; this shouldn't be happening.
I am not a lawyer, but from my understanding...
Visitation and child support have NOTHING to do with each other. Even if your fi is behind in support, he still has a right to see his daughter (or, his daughter has a right to have contact with him).
Was the support court-ordered? Then there should be a visitation plan in place. If the ex is denying your fiance the visitation in the order, she is in contempt.
He should document every time he has attempted to see his daughter (as much as possible). Then he should contact his lawyer. Again - even if he is behind in support, she cannot keep his child from him.
Also check on the "blended families" board on thebump. They have a lot more first-hand knowledge (also what you can do specifically in your state).
I'd bet money there was another side to this story!
So, he hasnt had regular visitation in YEARS and didnt know he could go to court and get visitation?
yeah right
If he is the child's legal father, the mother cannot keep him from his visitation rights, child support paid or not.
He must go to family court and get a court ordered visitation agreement. The mother can't interfer if he has this.
And I agree with Mag, there's more to this story than what you told.
GL
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Wow, your FI's ex sounds completely evil and your FI is completely innocent in all of this.
::Snort::
And all of this is totally about you and the fact that he's in a relationship with you. You're THAT important. Totally. She's a jealous b!tch and FI is just a frigin' victim with everything.
In fairness, having been doing family law for 16 years now, I can say this:
Lots of people, especially noncustodial parents, especially men, have no idea what their rights are with regard to their kids and really believe mom makes the rules and they haven't got a penguin's chance in hell of fighting successfully for parenting time/rights.
It also seems that 99% of parents - custodial and noncustodial - believe that visitation is tied to child support (it's not, for those who don't realize).
Some noncustodial parents are also threatened with restraining orders if they try to get/enforce visitation rights. I even had a client who was a cop who had this problem, didn't see his son for several years because he was afraid of the other cops believing his ex (he was internal affairs, so no love lost there), her getting a restraining order, and him losing his career over it.
And yes, I've seen more cases than I can count where a couple has split and everything is sailing along fairly well until on or the other of them is dating. EITHER the person who's now dating is getting all sorts of bad advice and demands from the new person in his/her life that muck up the relationship between him/her and the ex... OR the ex gets all kinds of jealous and starts pulling crap like the OP described here.
Moral of the story: Visitation and child support are not contingent upon one another. Courthouses know that a lot of litigants, especially in family court, are pro se and the clerks can help them fill out the necessary forms to obtain/enforce their rights. Judges are generally in favor of letting kids see their bio parents and enforcing that parenting time.
So I repeat: Have your H get his ass to the courthouse and take care of this the right way.
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And if it turns out he's done something particularly stank and that's why he can't see his daughter, run like hell and forget the wedding. Remember, if he's a lousy father now, marrying you isn't going to magically morph him into Dad and Husband of the Century. SOmething to keep in mind.
PPs have addressed what he should be doing.
From your perspective, I think you should put off marrying a man that lies about the status of your relationship, is behind on child support (or has any massive financial problem), or hasn't made being in his child's life a top priority.
Lots of people, especially noncustodial parents, especially men, have no idea what their rights are with regard to their kids and really believe mom makes the rules and they haven't got a penguin's chance in hell of fighting successfully for parenting time/rights.
That is correct they have no idea, and please tell us how hard it is to find out? Yep, not that hard is it if they truly want to see their children. I also work with kids and families in the court system and a lot of the times they use that exact excuse as a cop out!
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I am from Georgia and in the state of your Georgia if you were not married to the mother of your child when they were born, regardless of if you signed the birth certificate or not, you do not have legal rights to your child. Even though you don't have legal rights you still have to pay child support. I know this for a fact because my cousin is dealing with it now. There can be no custody agreement until he petitions for parental rights. He tried to use the local college's legal department to have a document drafted giving him legal rights but she refused to sign it. So he has to hire a lawyer, the court will not give him legal assistance, and take her to court over it. At which time they more than likely are going to do a paternity test and grant him legal rights to his child which he pays child support for. Even once he gets legal rights he will then have to take her back to court for visitation. All the time paying his own lawyer and quite possibly even hers. So to everyone saying he has rights and he needs to get to the courthouse. It is different depending on state laws and lawyers are very expensive and he cannot afford a lawyer while most of his money is going to his childs mother so that she can live an extravagant life style and not work at all but live solely off of him!
So my advice would first be to research the state laws regarding this matter. Figure out what his actual rights are.
Based on what you've written about your DH without ever considering the child issue, run. Run far away.
I will say that an aversion to law enforcement and the courts in general would make me wary. If you know she was specifically threatening him with a.restraining order all this time, it's one thing. But if he just has a general aversion based on his own history or his family's... well, I'm no fan of cops but I'd really want to know why it was so.strong he'd actually give up his kid over it.
And don't get me wrong, that's bot to say he's a horrible guy. I've got a client for whom I'm working on getting visitation with his daughter after a lot of years of not seeing her because he was a drug dealer and then because even after he straightened out his ex withheld visitation. He's since.cleaned up his act, gotten married, and has a second child he cares for well in a stable relationship. He's not a teenager or criminal anymore. But he doesn't pretend he was always an angel or that it's not at all his fault.
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