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Waiting...
When I met my fiance he told me he wanted to wait to have sex until marriage. At that point this was totally fine with me because he showed a lot of interest in me and we still had a pretty active relationship without doing the real thing. And it also made me realize that there are guys out there that care about woman more than just what they have to offer in the bedroom.
Somewhere along the way, about a year ago, he decided (on his own) that we can't do anything besides kiss. I respected his decision, but now it has been a year of him literally denying me every time I even try to touch him. We barely kiss and never make out anymore (which sounds childish, but when you don't have any sexual activity in a relationship making out is pretty much the only sexual connection you can get).
So on top of me feeling uncomfortable, unwanted, and unattractive he makes me feel nervous about our up coming marriage/wedding night next month because he thinks everything will be normal once we get to have sex. I have tried to explain how I feel and all he does is get upset with me and say at least he's not just some jerk using me for sex and he actually cares about me because he wanted to wait to have sex.
I don't know where to go from here.. has anyone else experienced a similar situation?
Re: Waiting...
Just wondering, but have you atleast seen his penis yet? I know that sounds weird considering you are waiting, but I recall a poster several months ago who shared a similar story. Her fiance was always adament about waiting to do ANYTHING until after they were married, other than kiss. On their wedding night she received a not so big surprise in that he was, and I hate this analogy, hung like a 12 year old. Their sex life was terrible, and she really fealt like he withheld sex from her under the guise of "waiting until marriage" as a way to not have her get the low down on his major size issues. Now, I am by no means implying that you are in the same situation. I just think that considering you are about to make a life long commitmnt to this individual, you should atleast have some opportunity to inspect the goods. And this isn't one of those testimonies to how much size matters. Having a guy too big can be an issue for some women as well. I just think that if there is some type of issue going on, you should have the right to know, as well as the right to decide for yourself in advance if you are willing to accept it for, ideally, the rest of your life. Wherever this takes you, good luck and all the best!
I think the reason for waiting is important. I have waited in relationship before and made my reasons known. I had still seen, felt, etc....
I think it's time to talk to him about your concerns before the wedding....
Whatever his reasons for waiting, this man is making you feel "uncomfortable, unwanted, and unattractive." Out of nowhere he decided, on his own, that all you could do was kiss, and "it has been a year of him literally denying me every time I try to touch him." He doesn't listen to you when you try to tell him how you feel, but claims he "actually cares about me because he wanted to wait to have sex."
A man who actually cares about you cares about your feelings and wants to make you feel loved and at ease. A man who actually cares about you cares enough to come to a decision about your physical relationship with you, not on his own.
I'd worry less about the wedding night and more about what kind of future you have in store with a jerk like this.
None of this is right and none of this is normal.
Abstaining isn't for everyone. If you can hack it and the agreement is satisfactory to you both, great.
What's happening here isn't normal, like I said.
I would NOT marry this guy until I got down to the bottom of what is happening.
Postpone the wedding and talk to him. YOu need to have a no holds barred frank and to the point talk. Religion isn't figuring into this at all; something is very weird here and out of line.
If you are spiritual and religious, talk to your clergyperson. Now is not the time for embarrassment and not the time to be coy.
I would also speak to a counselor; go alone if he will not go with you.
As a PP pointed out he should NOT be making you feel uncomfortable and unloved. He's supposed to do both: make you feel comfortable and feel loved.
That this guy made a complete 360 from no sex to "all I want to do is kiss" is pretty side-eye worthy.
He may be underendowed -- and if he is waiting for the wedding night to put that big revelation on you, wow --- don't ask me what I think of that.
If he is being touchy about you not seeing him naked or he's put off having you see him naked, wonder what he's hiding under the hood.
*And I'd go as far as to tell you to go and have a look under the hood -- I'd make a beeline for his fly during one of his makeout sessions and go for it. See what's happening there.*
He may also be gay or this relationship may simply be over and he doesn't know how to get out of the engagement.
I also side eye a guy who has such an immature outlook about sex and intimacy.
Whatever it is that is wrong -- and there is something drastically wrong -- do address this issue; something isn't right.
And it is not likely that the words "I DO" will turn him into a sex maniac on the spot.
Talk to him now; postpone this wedding. GL
It was really hard on the girl - emotionally, it really hurt her to have such a distance and lack of intimacy between them. I'll tell you that it didn't end well at all - the final break-up was messy with lots of name calling and accusations.
Regardless of the reason why he's doing it, the end result is that your FI is putting up a wall between you. He's transforming your relationship into one of a platonic nature, and you're right to realize that this isn't something that will simply switch back once you've said your vows.
If he's not willing to listen to your concerns and take into account how his actions are affecting you and your feelings, I'd think long and hard about staying with him. I mean, that's great that he's committed to his beliefs, but when it comes at the cost of your self-worth and desires for a relationship it's not a good thing at all.
... now it has been a year of him literally denying me every time I even try to touch him.
This is what worries me the most. Even if you're not having sex you should still be able to cuddle, hold hands, kiss (and make out). That's important to a relationship. Without it you'd be platonic friends, yes? So postpone your wedding until you can figure out what the real issue is (with the help of a counselor). GL!
And even if you and he have agreed to abstain before marriage, you should be growing closer together.
Instead you are growing further apart. As the pp stated, he's putting a wall up between the 2 of you.
Something is funky here. For your sake, get to the bottom of it. This isn't right and this isn't healthy. GL.
This isn't necessarily true. There are plenty of guys with little or no interest in sex. OP, please google "sexless marriage" and do a little reading. It could be something totally different, but many women describe very similar experiences. They say they thought it meant the guy respected them, only to find out later it meant that he just wasn't very interested in sex with anyone. He may not even understand that himself or be ready to admit it, especially since masculinity is so tightly bound to sexual drive in our cultural imagination. So it's possible that if this is the problem, he's not doing it consciously or maliciously, but there's still no reason to get stuck in an unsatisfying marriage because of it.
Like I said, it could be something totally different, but this is kind of weird. There are ways he can make you feel wanted without having sex with you, and if you're feeling unattractive now, something is wrong.