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Aging parents
My mom has a host of health problems (my parents are divorced). She gets around all right, but I (and some other family members have mentioned) do not think she should be driving. She takes some very strong controlled substances for pain (morphine, for one) and has for a long time. She still drives herself around. Last week she was in an accident that was her fault and she flipped her car. Thankfully, no one was hurt, but I was hoping that would be a wake up call to her. She said the accident scared her terribly but that she can't stop driving herself around. She is only 62 years old but she looks like she's 90.
She's in constant pain from a bladder condition that has no treatment. She lives about 3 hours away from me, and I want her to move to our town so she will live close to someone. She doesn't want to, but I know we will someday come to a point where she can't live alone. Her sister lives nearby and does help her a lot, but she has her own health problems as well.
I've tried to talking to my brother about this, but he thinks she's fine to live on her own and that we can just do something once something bad happens. I said something like, "Well, what if she falls and gets hurt?" and my brother said that's when we should try to move her somewhere. I think we should be proactive about it and not wait until something terrible happens. If she lived near me, I could go food shopping for her -- the last time I was at her house, her fridge was filled with expired foods. She barely eats anything, and she must weigh 80 pounds.
Has anyone been in the situation of trying to take care of an ailing parent but meeting resistance? She would like it if we drove down every weekend to see her, but that takes its toll on my own family. I get a lot of flack from other family members who think I should have moved to her town to raise my family. I hate where she lives and couldn't afford it anyway. But I can't seem to convince her to live where I live either
Also, has anyone had their parents become very ill and been forced to make such decisions for them? I know that when it comes down to it, I will be financially responsible for my mother in her aging years. I think if that's the case then I should be able to have her stay in an location (whether it be her own place or an assisted living facility) that's close to me so I can keep an eye on things.
I'm sorry if this is all over the place. I'm very upset about the car accident, and I'm terrified that she'll end up being one of those people who see on the news who cause an accident and you wonder why they still had their license. She's been like this for several years, and I don't know what to do.
Re: Aging parents
That's a really tough situation.
With the driving situation - can you talk to her doctor and get him to write a letter to DMV advising that her license be revoked?
Would she know that I did this? I don't think she would ever forgive me if I did. And, to be honest, I'd be really screwing her if she wasn't living near me. My DH points out that she could have really just gotten in an accident and that it happens to everyone.
Of course, if she got hurt or hurt someone else, I would never forgive myself.
As someone who lost her grandmother to a car accident caused by a driver who was becoming senile and forgot which pedal was the brake, please look in to having her license revoked if you think her accident was caused by either her failing health, mental condition, or medication. My grandmother never got her license and still managed to get everywhere she needed to got (in a city that has little to no public transportation).
There are buses for the elderly and handicapped that you can sign up for and often friends and neighbors are willing to drive places, especially to the grocery store, bingo, etc. Yes, it does take away some of their independence, but the price, IMO, is worth it. If someone had take more note of the changes my grandmother's friend had been undergoing, my grandmother might have lived to see my high school and college graduation.
I'm very sorry you are going through this. I know its very difficult position to be in. I'm going through a similar situation w/ my dad right now...flew from WA to FL a few weeks ago d/t his health and will likely be here a couple more weeks.
The driving thing is a tough one. Sounds like your mom is very independant. I would definitely talk w/ a dr about her condition. The medications should be labeled to not drive while taking them. That should be reason enough. I would think the dr could be the one to recommend to the state that her licence be revoked. Place a call and see what you can do. I wish I had better advice for you on that one.
The living apart things is SO hard! My dad was diagnosed w/ lymphoma 1 week prior to my move across the country. Every member of my family and close friends told me it was horrible of me to go, but my dad insisted. So I went. And now I'm back. Like you, I wish I could move him close to me but he wouldn't think of it.
The first thing I would recommened would be some type of medical alert for your mom. If she does have some type of fall you can have some piece of mind knowing she can get help quickly. There are a ton to choose from, I'm checking into 4 companies right now and go w/ what will be the best fit. Also look into some type of home health care for her. There are a ton of nurses available to help w/ basic stuff - getting to the store, helping w/ the housework, making simple meals and even just to chat.
Yes, you will probably be forced to make decisions for her. Its a hard thing to do, but sometimes you just have to. My dad wasn't cooperating w/ me on going to see a dr for bedsores. He didn't even tell me, told a friend. He refused an appt. so I just set him one and gave the staff list of my concerns ahead of time since he tells everyone he is fine. I told him the appt was a routine checkup and he had to go plain and simple. I felt horrible hiding things from my dad, especially about his health. Sometimes you just gotta play the sneaky game.
See if you can make arrangements to be her POA so you can make those more important choices for her. Leave your brother out of it since he is of no help and most likely causing you more stress. I have an aunt like that
Its been great fun.
I would start looking into various assisted living facilities. Doing the medical alert and a home health aide would be a gradual introduction that may make your mom more open to moving to a facility later on. A lot is her understanding she needs the help and if she's anything like my dad its hard for them to LET someone help.
Hope my rambling made some sort of sense. Its pretty new for me and I've been flying by the seat of my pants most of the time. Taking things day by day and letting my dad have a lot of choices seems to be the best approach for us over here. GL and if you need anything or need a moment to vent let me know!
Flipping a car IS something bad.
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I turned in my ILs and they did eventually lose their licenses. The thing is even without a license they would drive and we had to take the car keys. If your Mom didn't have the ability to drive perhaps she would be more agreeable to moving.
I second the POA and living will. If possible get on her bank accounts, too. I'd also see if you could get her medical information, she might have to sign something so you can be allowed. Then it might be easier to tell the doctor she is driving while medicated and him talk to her.