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Turned off by smoking...
DH only ever used to smoke socially, and even then, it was like one cigarette every 3 weeks or so. Recently, he started smoking ALL. THE. TIME. He smokes when he gets up, when he walks the dog, when he's at work, when he comes home, before dinner, after dinner, before bed... you get the picture.
Setting aside the health talk (and the fact that a good friend of mine died of lung cancer when he was 34), I find that my DH totally stinks now.
I find kissing him disgusting. When he have sex I'm always turning away from him because I find he just... smells.
(He brushes his teeth all the time and washes his hand constantly... but I dunno, it's like it's in his pores or something).
Lately, the last couple times we've had sex, I've just been so turned off. I basically have to think of someone else (faceless, manly man of my fantasies - who doesn't smoke), to orgasm.
I've talked to DH about this (many time), and he basically just gets either really defensive (It's HARD to quit, I'm STRESSED - even though he quit for 7 months after our DD was born, so I KNOW he can quit), or he just shrugs and walks away - but he still gets pissed off if I say no to sex.
Not really sure what to do with this? Anyone with any suggestions?
Eleanor Noelle - 18/05/12 Claire Elisabeth - 16/-5/10
Re: Turned off by smoking...
Smoking is a very very tough habit to kick. Just ask anybody who has quit or tried to.
Some try and are not successful.
You also have to be highly motivated and want to kick the habit because YOU want to, not because somebody else wants to.
Cigarette smoke also permeates clothing, furniture and walls. When smokers come to my house, nobody is permitted to smoke indoors -- it is outside on either porch and nobody's got a problem with this. I refuse to stink up my house, weaken the fibers in my curtains and other upholstery and I refuse to let it permeate my walls.
There is nicorette gum; he might want to try that.
Until he kicks the habit, accept the fact that you are married to a smoker. Sorry for your troubles.
I had no idea I was pregnant until I got a call from the doctors office. I was actually on break when I got the call, smoking a cig. I quit for about 12 months, my whole pregnancy and then during nursing. When I stopped nursing I had the weirdest craving to start smoking again. I didn't smoke much, maybe once or twice a day. Then I met my now fiance who was very turned off by smoking. I did quit when him and I became serious, not because it was a turn-off to him, but because I didn't want to be smelly and I didn't want my daughter to be smelling it either (and i was tired of changing clothes every time I smoked).
It CAN be hard to quit, but not impossible. You have to want to. If he had starting smoking just recently like this and wasn't like this before you got married, there may be an underlying issue, not just "stress".
This may be selfish on my part, but if my fiance did this and I expressly stated how I felt and that it was gross (cig smell actually makes me queasy now...) and he continued to smoke with no fore-thought of me or daughter I would limit sex. That's the way I see it. It is extremely selfish that he just shrugs or becomes defensive! He has a family now and really needs to think about this.
I let my H know when we started dating that I would never date or marry a smoker. It's a deal breaker for me. H smoked cigars occasionally in college but once I told him my deal breaker he hasn't smoked them since. (FWIW I didn't know he smoked until after I told him it was a deal breaker.)
Sorry for your troubles. It sucks.
I made it clear to H before he was H. If he smoked we would not work out!I It did not matter how much I loved him or wanted to be with him I would not be with a smoker!
I am disgusted by the smell of smoke and can not stand it! He quit! I complained daily! And eventually quick! GIve support and be clear on how you feel. I may be hard but I am sure he can do it. If he did it once he can do it again. Let him know he needs to be a role model for his DD. You could even go as far as to not have sex with him untill he tried quiting again!
Thanks ladies.
There's other stuff going on in our marriage (things just aren't clicking like they used to, he wants to take vacations separately, we seem to be fighting all the time...) that may be underlying issues.
I keep thinking he doesn't quit because he doesn't care enough about us (of the effects on our baby, of how it makes me feel). Maybe I just need to accept that, or accept that I'm married to a smoker and find someway to deal with it.
Eleanor Noelle - 18/05/12 Claire Elisabeth - 16/-5/10
I'm in the same boat! My fiance has smoked forever and I smoked when we got together, but I quit 2 years ago. It was really hard to quit especially since I was living with him who was constantly smoking around me! I understand that it's difficult, and I know that he doesn't REALLY want to quit yet or he would try. It's got to be easier to quit when your spouse isn't smoking around you!
It totally grosses me out and has really put a damper on our sex life. I suck it up though and just try to make the best of it. He knows that his smoking significantly reduces his chances of getting any!