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Another IL post...
My husband and I recently moved about an hour from his parents. (My husband got a new job) We lived ten minutes from them for four years, in that time I can count on one hand how many times they visited us. The only time we really saw them was if we went over to visit them or if my step son was in town visiting and them they needed to be up our butts just about. We had my daughter a little over a year ago and they never came over or helped unless my husband asked. Well since the move they are constantly telling my husband we need to visit and stay in better contact. He does not say anything to them. I am thinking that he thinks it will just blow over, he does not do confrentation. My SIL is always leaving text messages that she would like to talk with him and him alone but does not follow through with calling him. (she still lives at home, 33 years old and thinks the world revolves around her) I guess there are a few things I am feeling...I wish my dh would stick up for us, but instead he is just passive and doesn't talk to them about it. I don't feel like it is my place to discuss this with them, unless they bring it up to me, but they don't.
The other thing is I just wanted to vent...I am sorry if this is confusing, but thanks for listening.
Re: Another IL post...
Just tell your husband you don't want to hear about it anymore. It's not like he's pushing to visit, right? So how is this that annoying?
And with the sister, who cares? If your DH wants to, he can pick up the phone and call her. If she calls him and he wants to chat, great. In the meantime, he's receiving a few texts. Not a big deal IMO.
I don't think there is anything for your DH to say to his family, unless he casually tells them to chill out, it's not like you moved across the country and you'll still see them. Otherwise, just ignore it.
This does not have to be a big thing.
Whenever dealing with IL's, you will always come out on top if you strive to be the bigger person. So put the ball back in their court. Invite them over for a day and make a nice family meal. It's possible they didn't realize what they were missing until you, your DH and their grandchildren weren't so readily available. If they truly wish to have more contact with you they will take you up on your offer. If they decline, then at least you tried. Give them chances whenever they reach for one. It'll also give SIL a chance to have a "private" conversation with your DH. Again, if she doesn't seize the opportunity then it is her loss and at least you provided a chance for them. And if I were you, I'd point that out to her if she ever texted me in the future about the matter.
My IL's are very sensitive too. But at the end of the day, they are my DH's parents and he loves them very much so I try for him.
Good Luck!
It sounds like you want your H to "put them in their place". Your H is actually doing the right thing here. By not engaging them, he's not letting them have any ammo to come back at you guys with. It sounds like the move was recent; I'd let the newness blow over if you don't want to spend any more time with them.
However, like the pp said, this may be a good time to expand your relationship if that's something you may be interested in. Maybe since you moved, they realized that they need to put more effort into spending time with you.
And I'd just ignore SIL unless she contacts you directly. If she does that, and is trying to use you as a go-between, just tell her that you'll let DH know she called, and leave it at that.
It's confusing since you say they don't talk to you so you can't discuss it, then how do you know these things? If your H doesn't want to plan a visit then I'd follow his lead. If he wants to come over, you can always extend an invitation on your own for them to visit. If they were up your butts before about the SS maybe he is glad to be an hour away.
His sister leaving messages or whether he talks to her is not your problem.
I agree- there is nothing here to confront them over.
Also, you sound bitter that they hven't been more interested in seeing you all. Yes, I can understand that, but at the same time, you know who they are. Honestly- even if you all did start to see them more, it wouldn't last long. They only notice it because you aren't close,
I think there needs to be some acceptance on your part of who they are and what your relationship w/ them is.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with this. It seems like it is very disappointing that they are not the inlaws you imagined they would be, but for you to continue to expect them to be something they are not only sets YOU up for continous disappointment. Get real about who they are and try and lose the expectations of who you think they "should" be.
It seems kinda obvious that when you lived 10 minutes away they took your relationship for granted. They might not have actually visited much, but they knew they could at the drop of a hat. The move revealed that they didn't do much with that opportunity and now they are saying what you would expect - don't forget us, stay in contact, visit!
I don't know why your husband says nothing instead of re-assuring them. It seems simple enough to say, "Of course!". I get mixed messages from your post, so I can't tell you what to do about keeping in contact. You said they only visited a few times. Did that bother you? Or do you want to keep it that way? And they only help 'when asked' - like that's a bad thing. I think YOU have to get honest with yourself and what you want from them. They are asking to keep in contact, and if you want to, invite them over. Or plan an afternoon at their place - its sounds like you are both welcome and invited. I commuted to work for an hour, each way, 5-days a week, for years. So, visiting your ILs on a weekend hardly seems like a big deal.
And stay completely out of the sister deal. A 33 yo has every resource and ability to have a private conversation with her brother, if she wants. I'm not sure if it was meant to exclude you, exclude the parents or to warn him that she's going to lay a guilt trip. It just comes off as weird.
I can't tell if you want to see them or not. If you do, talk to H and invite them over. If you don't, it seems like he's handling it pretty well.
It seems like PP is dead on regarding missed opportunities.
As far as SIL, DH needs to just tell her to call him. If he won't then he needs to stop complaining to you.