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father issues
My parents had been married for almost 39 years when my mother died in August 2010, so it was a huge shock when only a month after she died, my dad started dating someone he had met online. They became very serious very fast and this past April he got remarried. I have had a lot of hurt and anger towards my dad. I know that everyone grieves differently and moves on at their own pace, but when I spoke to my dad about how I was not ready to meet his new girlfriend (now wife), he pretty much cut off any and all contact with me. I felt like he didn't understand why I was upset and he didn't care. I gave it a lot of thought and emailed him before he got married. I did not go to his wedding just because I thought it would be incredibly difficult, but in the email I wrote him I did say I wanted to meet her and make ammends. That was 2 months ago and have never received any response. So I was just looking for any advice on the situation. Was I wrong to be hurt and not meet her? Should I just assume he never wants anything to do with me?
Re: father issues
I can't give you any advice, but just wanted to say that I understand that you were in a difficult situation! My BILs mom passed, and it was especially hard on the (adult) girls when he re-married. And she was a nice lady, etc. - - they just weren't ready for their mom to be replaced.
I think your dad is handling things very badly. Maybe he feels guilty about what he is done and seeing you would remind him about how quickly he remarried. Maybe he feels a need to "stick by his (new) spouse." Maybe he felt he might be making a mistake, and he needed everyone around him to be a "yes" person. You don't know what was going through his head.
I DO NOT think you did anything wrong. You had to do what was right for you, in your own grieving process. However, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try again to reach out to your dad. (under the - do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy theme). Maybe wait for another opportunity.
I would also say, is the "cutting off contact" a common dynamic in your relationship? With maybe your mom playing peacemaker? If that is the case, and you either have to do things his way or have no contact with him, your relationship is toxic anyway and you should use this time to explore if you want a relationship on these terms through therapy.
Statistically, many men remarry within a year of the loss of their spouse. I imagine that after so many years of marriage, your dad just isn't equipped to be alone.
I would suggest that you seek some grief counseling for yourself. The loss of a parent is a huge blow and you may need some help to make the transition. Perhaps after some time, you can reach out to your father and try to start getting to know this new woman. She isn't a replacement for your mother, she is your father's new wife. If you can frame it in your mind in those terms, you might be able to make peace with the situation and start a new relationship with them as an adult couple - not as Dad and New Mom.
My mother was dating within a year of losing my father and remarried in a relatively short time frame as well. It was very hard on some of us kids in the mix, less on others. I do not think you were wrong in feeling the way you felt. You were grieving. Everybody goes at a different pace. I am sure he felt hurt that you couldn't attend the wedding, but he needs to meet you halfway. What is done is done at this point. You can certainly continue to reach out to him in the hopes of renewing your relationship. I wouldn't assume that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Assumptions are rarely right. Hopefully there will come a point when he will accept the olive branch and the two of you can talk thru your feelings. It's very evident you love him. Don't give up hope yet.
I don't blame you one bit. I would also be angry with my father. you did nothing wrong, but your father is acting like an a$$. He can't understand why oyu were upset? Really?
Honestly I would not do another thing to try and contact him.
This might be a flameworthy reply but I'm going to risk it.
My mother died over ten years ago and my father still isn't remarried. He's had a few short-term relationships, but he makes no attempt to find anyone he wants to spend significant time with, and he's lonely. He'll even admit it, but he's not lonely enough to put himself out there. He's good-looking, smart, does well and has a lot to offer, but... nope. He's probably not going to remarry. And that worries me because I don't want him to be alone and lonely for the rest of his life. My siblings feel the same way.
Did your father remarry "too fast"? Well, maybe, but that's a subjective call. I'll just say this: ten years down the road, if it were me, I'd rather my dad be married (even if he did it really quickly, like yours did) and happy than alone and lonely.
For you, I'm going to guess it's largely about your perception of your father being disrespectful of your mother's passing and "replacing" her so fast. I'm going to bet that's not what it's about for your dad. Concentrate on the fact that your father is happy, that this woman makes him happy, and keep in mind that down the road, if you care for him, that's what you want. Hopefully this attitude will help in your reconnection with him.
You were not wrong. You felt hurt and angry at your dad, and you just weren't ready to meet his girlfriend. That's totally understandable.
If you think you'd like to reach out to your dad again, I don't see the harm in giving it one more shot. He's had more time to think about things, and hopefully he can see where you were coming from (even if he doesn't agree.) If he doesn't respond, or replies telling you that he isn't interested, then there's not much more you can do, and it will be his loss. I'm sorry you're going through this.
You weren't wrong for feeling hurt. I would feel the same way. I also don't blame you for telling your dad that you weren't yet ready to meet his new wife.
Ditto the others, though, who said that some people just don't function well without a partner, and maybe your father wasn't looking to "replace" your mother but just didn't want to be alone. I was having a conversation about this with my long-widowed grandmother ... she's been widowed about 40 years and never remarried and is doing fine even at age 90. I was talking to her about someone I know who was widowed and didn't have the knowledge or desire to take care of himself after that, and she just sighed and said, "It's because he's a man, sweetie." I hate to be sexist and stereotypical, but from what I've seen, men just don't seem to bounce back from things like this the way that women do.
Assuming that he wants nothing to do with you ... if you want to rekindle the relationship, I would not do it over an e-mail. E-mails can get lost along the way, or their contents can be misread since there's no tone of voice. If you want to try again, I would call him and either talk it out on the phone or ask to meet in person.
But if he's going to cut you out of his life because you're still grieving and need some time to ease into his new relationship ... then shame on him and I'm sorry he's doing that to you. I can appreciate that he might feel a bit hurt that his daughter isn't fully behind his wishes, but he's also being incredibly selfish and short-sighted if he doesn't understand in turn that it must be killing you to think of him with a new wife already. Heck, even if he waited 15 years to date and marry again, I'm sure you (like anyone) wouldn't be 100% thrilled.
Feelings are not wrong. You had a hard time with him dating and marrying this early, and that is understandable. It's one thing to say that you don't want to meet her this soon, and another thing not to go to their wedding 8 months later. He and his new wife probably feel like you don't support them since you did not go to the wedding. As far as assuming he doesn't want anything to do with you, I guess since it is your dad you could try a few more times perhaps via other methods- maybe by phone or in person. If that still doesn't work then you know you have left the door open for him to contact you. Whether he does or not- I can't say.