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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
What would you do?
My brother is getting married next April in Jamacia. He is doing it at an all inclusive resort. My husband and I priced it out and the hotel and air fare will cost us $3,000 for 4 nights. I love my brother but there is no way we can afford that since we had to put a new roof on our house and replace our a/c unit and furnace this last month. He called me selfish today. What would you do? I thought about picking up a second job to try to pay for it but my husband got upset because it would take time away from us. I'm so upset I don't know what to do.
Re: What would you do?
Unless we were planning on spending that much on a vacation anyways and were considering a place like Jamaica, I wouldn't even think twice about it. There is no way I would pick up a second job, no way. Just send your regrets and a gift. You don't need to do anything else. Remember it is an invitation not a subpoena.
Listen, when your brother and his bride decided on a destination wedding, they knew that some of the invites ( yes even close family members) wouldn't be able to make it. You simply can't afford it and he needs to let it go.
I agree that you should send a gift and your regrets.
I had a DW and the first thing that you have to understand when planning a wedding like this is that not everyone will be able or simply want to come along.
Next time your brother calls you selfish, tell him that you would happily attend if he'll pick up the tab - and then call him a cheapass loser when he tells you that he can't afford to pay your way either.
This!
He's being selfish. When you have a destination wedding you have to assume that most people won't be able to make it due to time off of work or finances. If you can't afford to go, you can't afford to go. Don't let him make you feel bad about it.
I agree with this one!
I couldn't agree with this more. I also had a DW (though in the states but still a long way away) and understood completely that people simply couldn't make it for one reason or another. Your brother is being a selfish brat.
As someone who had a destination wedding, I absolutely agree with this. When my husband and I were first considering it, we first consulted with everyone we really wanted to be there, to ensure they were happily on board. We didn't consult with every invited guest, and we knew that some people wouldn't make it and we were okay with that because we knew it would be an expense and time off work. My immediate family loved the idea, our best friends loved the idea, and my husband's immediate family was from out of town and would have to travel either way. So we went ahead, and graciously accepted the declines we did get. Your brother needs to learn to do the same.
I second this!
Umm, last time I checked, the wedding was paid for by the bride & groom, not the guests attending. Since your brother & his wife-to-be have decided to have a DW, I am assuming they are inviting just close-knit family? Tell him as a compromise, you will pay for your way there, but the rest is going to have to be on him since that's usually the way weddings go. He is being selfish by putting an unrealistic financial expectation on you that you cannot fulfill and ultimately, not allowing for you to be there.
Heck, when I was *in* my brother's wedding, he paid for my portion of things (dress, portion of shower, etc.) and all I ended up paying for was his gift. We are 3 years apart and he got married at 23, so he knew I didn't have the $. Siblings can only *ask* you to share in their day whether part of the wedding party or invited, they cannot expect you to shoot $ out of your azz on their behalf.
Bottomline, you should be the one who feels insulted here. If he really wanted you there, HE would find a way! Also, I can't believe he isn't going to have your parents there either! If he's a grownup enough to get married to a woman he loves & to have that sacrament in a dreamy, tropical place - then he should be a grownup enough to dip into his deep pocket.
I'm with all the PPs on this post and second (and third and fourth) the "your brother is being a selfish jerk, don't go and don't worry about it" reply. However, if your brother isn't going to have any family around, maybe you can suggest to him that he and his wife/FI host a local reception in his (your?) hometown? That way, you and your father can attend and maybe some other friends who wouldn't otherwise be able to attend.
I have "it's all about me" people in my life, too, and I know how emotionally draining it can be to try to placate them all, but the fact is, your marriage comes first. If anything they want you to do comes at the price of your marriage, "no," is a reasonable reply.
I work hard for my money and spend it on things that I choose, like home repairs and upgrades. And I don't go into debt for trips, even celebrations.
I'm selfish like that, too.
First off you are not being selfish. Your brother can get married where ever he wants but unless he is offering to pay for you to travel he should not just expect everyone to be able to make it.
It's sad that your brother won't have any family there but when they chose that wedding destination it had to be known that not everyone, if anyone for that fact would be able to take a mini vacation at such a high expense!
I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a wedding in Punta Cana, and of course I was honored to be asked, but I couldn't drop the amount of money necessary for a one week visit and of course, I had to say no to her.
Your brother will understand that it is too much for everyone to pay, he might say something about it in passing, but deep inside he knows that if you don't have it, you can't make it appear out of thin air. Maybe they will have a reception back home once they return?
Good luck, you aren't alone with this. It's a lot to ask for.
When you plan weddings like this I think there's a huge give and take. You get the wedding you are obviously dreaming of, however you must understand that all your loved ones won't be attending.
I think it's selfish of your brother not to understand. Sadly on top of this $3K+ he'll expect a wedding gift also.
If you feel like a vacation like that is something you want enough to pick up a job fine. But even if you decide that you're vacation isn't going to be as nice as it could be because you'll be catering to your brothers events.
I would tell him that you live in the real world. You have bills and priorities. Tell him you're sorry you can't pull $3,000 out of your ass and come to his event. You know it will be beautiful and wish you could be there, but it's just not in the cards for you to go. If he can't take the truth it's not your fault.
$3,000 for 4 nights is pretty outrageous in my opinion. You are not being selfish at all by declining to attend.
Your brother is acting like a jerk. He chose to get married at an expensive resort. He is being pretty selfish to demand that his guests to drop $3,000 and use up precious vacation time for his wedding.
Personally, I would be really hurt if one of my siblings prioritized an exotic locale over the presence of our family at their wedding. Sure it would be their right to do so but it would still hurt.