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Input on funeral etiquette?
So my dad is going to be moved to hospice care soon after many years of enduring Alzheimer's.
I'm trying to work out how we will handle things when the time comes to minimize stress during an emotional time. The situation is kinda complicated.
We are in SoCal, and my parents have long-time friends here. My dad has a couple family members on the West Coast, and my mom's family is out here too.
My dad's (huge) family (more like a clan lol) is on the East Coast, most of them in New England.
My dad's wish is to be buried in Arlington Cemetery, in Washington DC.
So obviously there will be a burial service at Arlington, but...do we really have to hold 2 additional memorial services? One in SoCal and one in New England?
I of course do not expect the West Coast family to travel all the way to DC, so I'm happy to hold a memorial out here prior to heading back east. Is it unrealistic to expect the New England family to travel down to DC for a service there? Or is that too far?
I'm just trying to envision all this traveling during an emotional time and it seems like it would be completely exhausting to head up to New England for another service. But I don't want to commit a major faux pas. I really don't know how a situation like this should play out.
Re: Input on funeral etiquette?
My sincere sympathies on the health of your father. Having been through hospice care and, eventually, the death of DH's father, I hope you take comfort in knowing that the planning you're doing now will be so helpful to you when the time to act on them.
I don't think you need to be traveling all over the country only to rehash your grief each time. Go to Arlington then hold a memorial service where you live. Is there a close friend or relative in New England who might want to host a separate memorial service there (without you)?
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First, my sympathies on your father. I hope that with hospice there, you will feel like you can spend this time just being a family and enjoying the time you have.
I don't think you need to travel all over the country either. I agree with isgarver about maybe a friend or relative can host a memorial service in New England. Also, there is nothing that says that all memorial services need to be held right away. When my great grandfather passed away, we had a small graveside ceremony because none of the family could get in town in time for a full funeral. 6 months later, when everyone could get there, we held a wonderful, full memorial service for him.
I'm sorry about your father.
First of all, I think it's great that you are trying to figure things out NOW. It should really help a lot when the time comes. Did he give any indications of what he WANTS?
Keep in mind with Arlington National Cemetary, the waiting list is pretty long right now. It sometimes takes months to schedule an internment there, and depending on his military status and cause of death, they may not be able to accomodate his request. I had a good friend who died in combat, and it took almost 4 months to schedule his funeral at Arlington. Having said that, it was an AMAZING service and something I (and the rest of his friends and family) will NEVER forget. You may want to start figuing this out sooner rather than later.
Also, as I'm sure you know, multiple memorial ceremonies can REALLY wear down a grieving family, so I would recommend trying to limit the number of memorial services that you have. Maybe you can do one in California immediately following his death, and another at Arlington when it can be scheduled, then let people choose which one(s) they want to attend.
I know this is difficult...but I think you're doing a great thing by doing this now.
I am very sorry to hear about your father.
I lost a cousin a few years ago and our family and her friends all live spread out the US. There was a small memorial service where she lived at the time, another larger one where she grew up, and then at our family reunion we had another small personal memorial service where we dedicated a tree at the family cottage and a small plaque was presented near the tree, in memory of her.
I think it'd be difficult for you to plan a memorial service on the east coast with the family- is there someone that could do that instead, for the family there? Then you could hold one on the west coast, someone else on the east coast, and then a smaller intimate one in DC?
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Thanks for all the input ladies, I really appreciate it.
Right now making plans is helping me keep my sanity. I'm a plan-aheader by nature, and this is giving me something to do while we can do nothing but sit and wait. At the same time I feel kind of guilty for doing all this planning for his death (for instance I ordered a black dress and shoes on Friday since I own nothing in black), seems a little morbid, but with this final stage of Alzheimer's there is really no hope of recovery.
I'd read that it can take anywhere from 5 days to 2 months schedule a burial at Arlington, but 4 months, wow. I've got the paperwork and forms together that will be needed, but I don't think I can actually apply until he has passed.
I think we will have a service here in CA, and hold off planning anything on the east coast until we know how long the interment at Arlington will take. I'm not close with family out there simply due to the time and cost of travel, but I'm sure someone will be happy to help us plan something, now that you mention it. (leave it to an only-child to think she has to do everything on her own!)