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Just A Vent...
I don't even know where to start.
I'm almost 38 weeks pregnant with our second child. My mom, who I was as close with as humanly possible, passed away suddenly on June 3rd. I watched my step-father have a stroke 20 minutes before my mom's visitation -- he is now in a stroke rehab and is expected to fully recover, thank goodness. I'm seriously waiting on plagues and locusts at this point.
I posted over a year ago about issues with my MiL. We took the advice -- we cut her entirely out of our lives and got some therapy. We haven't heard a word from her since August 2010 and to be honest, it's been the least stressful year of our 7 year relationship. When we got home from my mom's funeral, there was a card in our mailbox from my MiL addressed to me, and the envelope is so thin that you can see that it's a sympathy card at a glance. Honestly, I'm too numb to know how I feel about it. When H cut off contact, he laid out exactly what would happen if/when she tried to contact us in various ways. One of which was that he would send any mail back to her, unopened.
Now almost a year later, I have long since passed any normal person's maximum stress level and quite frankly, I can't handle the sh!t-storm of drama that she would stir up if we returned a sympathy card -- she lives in a perpetual place of 'look how I've been wronged!' I would rather toss it and be done. My H wants to do what we said we were going to do and send it back. He feels like if we don't, she will see this as an opportunity to get back into our lives. (Quick recap: The last unsolicited email she sent me, she called me a bunch of ugly names and wrote that my husband ruined his life when he married me. She didn't want any relationship with our son... blah, blah, blah. She has been blocked on our emails and phones among other safeguards against her lunacy.)
What gets me is that she went out of her way to be hateful to my mom. Serioulsy down right evil to her. She has never been anything but nasty to me. Holidays have come and gone... my son's first birthday has come and gone and we haven't heard a peep from her. I don't know why she would choose a time like this to try to pop back into our lives, unless she sees me as vulnerable and is just being an opportunist. I don't know.... I guess nothing should surprise me anymore. H is furious that she would pick now of all time to do this when he specifically said not to contact us for any reason whatsoever.
So... send it back and wait for the inevitable drama or toss it in the trash and wait until we're better able to cope with her crazy later on?
Re: Just A Vent...
Hoo boy. What a roller coaster of emotions. I'm sorry about your mother
And I hope your step-dad will be O.K.
One the one hand, I can apprecaite where your husband is coming from ... he told her that you guys would be cutting off contact and part of that deal included sending back her mail. So technically he'd be putting you and your family first by following through with this promise, rather than bending over to her wishes to be nice. And if you guys have truly cut off contact with her, then is it really going to matter if she's screaming and gnashing her teeth over a returned card? You can delete her e-mails and voicemails and keep your doors locked. And if it's his mother then ultimately it's his call as to how to handle her.
On the other hand, I see where you're coming from, too. You have a TON on your plate right now, and maybe ignoring the card is the best way to handle things. And if it's simply a sympathy card for your mother's passing, then it's not really the same as her writing to you to apologize or to scold you further. And since you're in such a rough place right now, your husband ought to respect your wishes and help you get through all this however he can. (Also, is there any chance that the card could be from another in-law and just happens to have MIL's address or handwriting ... maybe your FIL or an aunt or something?)
You want to toss it, your H wants to return it. If it were me, I'd split the difference with him ... take the card and hide it someplace in the house where he can't find it (so he doesn't return it to her when you're not looking), and forget about it for now. Then if you're in a better place to deal with it in the future, talk about it. At that point, it may be easier to throw it away than to return it and make a point a few months or a year later.
Sorry you have to deal with this, hon.
If she went out of her way to be mean to your mom, she could have written something really nasty on the card. Maybe not, but you never know. She sees your grief as a crack into which she can insert herself.
I'm with your H, send it back so she knows she can't get to you when you're emotionally vulnerable.
H's family has such a weird family dynamic. It's nothing like my own so it took me awhile to adjust. Basically, they're all about the drama. H's step-father is suuuuch an odd duck. None of H's aunts have had anything to do with us since we cut off MiL. One aunt in particular is/was getting a big dose of what we went through when she started dating a man that her sister didn't approve of. Another aunt knows how toxic MiL is and won't have anything to do with her. That leaves one aunt and an uncle and it's very unlikely that she sent the card on their behalf.
I have the utmost respect for my H for trying to protect me and following through on his promise to return any mail she sends. I don't care if she throws a fit about us returning it, but we will get drama filtered in. That's just how she operates. So unless we go live in a hole, her equally crazy friends and/or brother/SiL will find some way to make the insanity known.
H just wants to do whatever is easiest for me and best for our family and I love him to death for it. That's a good idea though. Just stick it in a drawer until we can cope and figure out what to do. In his annoyance, H muttered, "I'd like to drive four hours and shove it up her @$$ is what I'd really like to do with it." When we cut her off, we haven't mentioned her since. H is very upset that she's come up now of all times.
She was always very quick to point out that my mom had been married twice (when she, herself, has been married three times). My mom was married to my dad for 24 years and to my step-dad for almost 7 when she passed. She was very ugly about it and would bring it up a lot. She called my mother a gold-digger and we can't figure out why -- apparently driving an Acura means you richer than Midas? Who knew? FWIW, my mom worked every day of her life and with my step-father being retired, while living comfortably, they still lived on a budget. When we got married 4 years ago, she went out of her way not to speak to my mom, step-dad, or dad -- the entire weekend -- but was overheard making very rude comments about her. (Our wedding is a whole post in and of itself, but that's all in the past.) But these are just a few examples and ones that are fit to write on a message board.
I absolutely agree with you that she sees this as a crack in which she can insert herself. And as PP said, I see both sides of the coin too. Were this a thick envelope where we could assume that she was trying to get back into our lives, it would have gone right back into the mailbox. But I just have a nagging feeling that if we return it, she's going to pounce on the opportunity to try her best to kick me while I'm down. It's par for the course with her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am so, so sorry about your mom. ((hugs))
I think what you do is, have your dh put the unopened card in another envelope; with a note in it from your dh that says "Mom, you know we cannot accept this. Please don't contact us again. Regretfully, Dh". And move on.
Don't open it, so you can't see what she wrote (which is of course ugly; you know it is); don't reply to any response she might make. I would not keep this piece of trash in my house one minute longer than I had to.
How on earth did she find out about your mom's death?
It's such a complicated dynamic, but SiL that I'm close to put a prayer request for my family on her fb wall -- because things got very serious in about a three hour time span. My H was on the phone with his brother at the time that I got the call about my mom, so that's how SiL knew. My mom lived about 8 hours away from me and I couldn't get there in time. SiL that I'm not close to saw it and I assume told MiL. SiL that I'm not close to is not on my fb.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this.
I would personally just toss the card and be done with it.
First of all, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You must be on a roller coaster of emotions right now. Regarding that roller coaster, I agree with the first poster. Your focus right now should be on dealing with your mother's passing, your step-father's illness, and your pregnancy. The card does not need to be causing you any more stress right now. Put it away, allow yourself some time to grieve, heal, give birth, adjust to a new baby, etc. before you address the card (no pun intended). At that point, determine what you want to do with the card. The disagreement with your husband is adding to your stress (even though he is clearly doing his best to put you and your family first). The repercussions of sending the card back can also cause you stress. You don't need that right now, but you can deal with it later as you see fit, when you have a clearer head about it.
Good luck with everything.
You do realize that she's reached her goal. A thin little note addressed to you has you both fighting and ringing your hands and wondering "WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT MOM!?"
She totally has your number.
Accepting the card to avoid the sh!tstorm that she will create misses the whole point of saying I don't give a *** about your threates or sh!tshorms.
I hope that I didn't give the impression that I've been hand wringing. I internalize everything so the discussion that I had with my husband took up about five minutes while he was flipping through the mail. Granted, it was a very angry five minutes aimed at his mother. You are right that to some degree, she's reached her goal. It burns my a$$ up that she did this now. But I haven't wallowed in it. Hell, I don't have time to wallow in anything. If I had to venture a guess, this stupid card is almost like a coping mechanism. I get so sad about my mom and coupled with the fact that I have no space for my lungs that it makes me feel like I can't breathe (which triggers anxiety attacks for me) that it gives me another emotion to focus on for a few minutes so that I don't spiral. Is that healthy? No clue but probably not. It's just a stupid card from someone who I don't normally give two damns about. But either way, I don't want it in my house and I've been at a loss as to what to do with it. H said that he will do whatever makes it easiest on me. I do think I'll put it in a drawer and just deal with it later. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I can't control anyones actions but my own, but holy crap, I wish she would have left us/me alone.
And thank you all for the kind words about my mom. *hug*
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss (((hugs)))
Second, return the card. She's testing you guys to see if you were serious about sending it back. Not sending it back will probably be seen as a reason to come back in to your lives. After all, if you don't send it back, how does she know that you just threw it away? Maybe she'll think you read it and are rethinking taking her out of your lives.
Definitely return the card.
return the card. that's what you both agreed to when you cut ties.
I think you should burn it. Seriously. It's a visual representation of how she does not have control over you. I would not leave it in your house any longer, because you still know it's there, and you will have "future worry" about it.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Update:
The card was/had been sitting on the conputer desk since DH got it out of the mailbox. It was gone yesterday. I'm not in an emotional place to even care what he did with it. Either way, it's fine. We had originally said we would send anything that came from her back, unopened so if he did that, then that's fine. If he threw it away, that's fine too. The only thing I can focus on right now is getting through the day and not having an anxiety attack which I would never want my son to witness nor is it good for the baby that is in my body. (And did I mention on top of everything else, our allergist confirmed my son's peanut allergy?) Yeah, plagues and locusts... I'm expecting them any day now.