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sort of s/o to my poll below: owing family (LONG)
Not sure if this classifies as a vent / frustration / or just something I just don't understand about the in-laws.
And this is more me needing to get it out to someone, so... reply or don't. I just need to get it out. But if you have insight, please, please provide some insight.
It's become obvious thru the years that there are some things that they just do differently. And I try to let most of it go. I really do try. Different families do things differently, right?
But this one has been eating at me. And it's come up twice in the past two weeks, so that doesn't help.
In my post below I mentioned that Hank told DH that DH owed him this, because of all the times DH had borrowed Hank's car when DH was a teenager.
Well, the week before MIL had called Saturday night to ask DH to help them haul & install a new washing machine they were buying off of CL. The only problem was we had plans all day Sunday in Ohio, and DH had a double-shift (48 hours) Mon-Tue. So the soonest he could do it was Wed.
MIL was ticked. She starts whining & guilting him about how she needed him.
When he mentioned that she has another son (Hank) that might be able to help, she. went. off. Telling DH that they have helped him out so much, FIL has helped us out so much with our renovations (true, he has), they have loaned him $$ thru the years, FIL has done work for DH's business (which he is paid for), etc, etc, etc. The list went on & on. The bottom line? DH owed them this.
So I guess I know where Hank gets it.
I just don't understand this type of thinking. This idea that people owe you help, no matter what the burden on them, just because you helped them in the past.
I came from a family where we did things for each other because we were family & we loved each other. Nothing was hung over each other's heads. There was no score card. The only sense of obligation was a personal one, because they were family. Because you loved them, and you wanted to help.
I just don't get it. And, quite frankly, it really ticks me off.
Besides, in neither situation did he refuse to help. In Hank's case, we just need an answer about the car. In MIL's case, he wasn't available at the timing she wanted. He never refused either one of them.
I don't want to get sucked into the game, but the fact is that just in the 5 years that I've been around I can't even count the number of times that DH has provided free mechanical service to both his parents & Hank's family, that would have cost them literally thousands at a shop.
DH is one of the most generous people I know. If someone needs help, and he can, he goes. So much so that we've actually had to have talks about him making sure his obligations at home are met before he agrees to help someone else out. He's just that nice.
The more that time goes on I just really am starting to feel like DH is being taken advantage of, by his own family. And they lay these guilt trips on him (MIL is the queen of guilt trips, I swear) and really make him feel like a piece of s*** for having his own life.
IDK. I just don't understand treating anyone that way. Let alone your own son / brother.
Thanks for letting me get it out. And again, if anyone has any insight, please... please... let me know.
Thanks again.
Re: sort of s/o to my poll below: owing family (LONG)
My H is overly generous with his time, often at the expense of our own need to get things done, so I totally get what you're saying. And some times it can be annoying as heck! We have had a few friends that are like that - scorekeepers. Lessons we have learned about scorekeepers:
They remember well what you needed from them but have complete amnesia about what they've asked of you. Keep a list of work you do for them.
The question 'so exactly what is it going to take to get my alleged debt to you paid once and for all?' stops them dead in their tracks. Particularly if said in a po'd tone. Usually, they can't answer the question b/c they never gave that any thought. In your case I think 'I do not owe you for the rest of my life b/c I borrowed your car a few times when I was 18. I want any debt I owe you over and done with, so what's the bill?' could be very effective.
Same as above with the statement "I want you to give me a list of everything I owe you for. When you've provided me a bill, I will pay it. But until you can show me that I still owe you something, every debt I had to you was paid off LONG ago. You make me a list of what I owe you, I'll make you a list of what you owe me - and then we'll have a conversation where we use the word OWE again."
Stop asking any favors at all from them. Stop doing anything for them as a favor. If they need something, it's business - ask to be paid. Pay for any services requested. End every transaction with "This makes us even, right? I don't owe you anything for this. You don't owe me anything for this."
If you want them to understand, you need to use their vocabulary. If owe is a key word, make use of it. If he stands firm on cutting off that type of conversation 4-5 times, along with a cease-fire on doing anything for them, they'll catch on that the meal ticket there has ended and quit with the 'owe'.
I know you are.
I hate it. Because it's family. But you're right.
My mom told me a story about my dad when they were engaged. Dad's dad (who was a jerk, by all accounts - he died before I was born, so I have no personal judgement) kept telling Dad he owed him $$ for raising him.
Mom said that one day Dad finally had had enough and asked him how much it was. His dad gave him a number. No idea if he'd actually created a tally thru the years or just made a number up (most likely), but... that was the number. Which he continued to hold over Dad's head.
Until the day Dad announced to Mom they were visiting his folks (which was rare). They walked in, Dad pulled a wad of cash out of his shirt pocket and set it on the kitchen table in front of his dad, saying something like "there, we're even, I don't ever want anything more from you, and I don't ever want to hear another word about it". Then they left.
Mom had no idea. Dad had been putting away part of his paycheck for months. Just to get his dad to shut up about it.
It worked.
Probably also why this situation with the ILs has me so upset. I know how much my dad hated his father, I know how Dad's family treated him, and at times saw my dad's pain.
And now my husband is in a similar situation.