Family Matters
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IL issues

OK, so I'm not yet married (38 days though! yay!) but I spend enough time at my fiance's house to see a possible problem in our future. We live about 3 miles from his parents, and, while our (my and my future IL's) relationship is great, they (especially his dad) tend to drop in unexpectedly. There has only been one moment where we were "caught of guard" in the bedroom if you know what I mean but luckily we heard him drive up the driveway. Anyway, I'm afraid of a much more embarrassing situation happening in the future, especially because we don't have a doorbell and some people feel like they can just walk in our house. 

So my question is, are we out of line to ask if they can call before they come over? 

Well, I'm off to buy a doorbell :) let me know what you guys think!

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Re: IL issues

  • That's not out of line at all.. as a matter of fact, instead of buying a doorbell buy a lock for your door and USE IT. If they don't call, the door doesn't get unlocked. Problem solved.
  • No, you're absolutely not out of line to tell them that they need to call first. It's YOUR house and YOUR life. You're not entitled to play hostess whenever they feel like it.

    Don't you keep your doors locked? If so, how are they getting in ... are you guys letting them in, or do they have a key?

    Your fiance needs to tell them that they have to call if they want to stop by, and that should be limited to maybe once or twice a week tops. And if they stop by anyway, he either needs to ignore the door or open it a crack and say, "Now is not a good time. We'll be free on [date and time] if you want to get together. See you later!"

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  • Why do they have a key to your house? 
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  • You have 38 days to figure out if your Fi has the balls to tell his parents and make them stick to it before you walk down the aisle. This is really something that should have been stopped by him prior to proposing. I do think a doorbell isn't going to solve the bigger problem of them coming over and ringing it without calling first. Lock the door and don't answer it if they were told to call before dropping by and believe me it is going to be hard to get them to break a habit. Your Fi needs to step up now, and you can see if he throws you under the bus or explains these are his wishes. No, you are not out of line to say please call, but since they lack the manners to think this is polite regardless if it is family don't expect them to be happy about it. Just expect them to respect your privacy.
  • Listen, this same thing happened when H and I bought our house 2 years ago.  It's only 3 miles from his parent's house (lesson learned there), and for the first 6 months they would just show up at our doorstep randomly alllllll the time.  I am close with them, but I don't want them over at my house all the time.  For about a year, it died down and there weren't any problems.  Right after we got married in October, it started happening again.  I would get so annoyed and started resenting them and my H for not saying anything.  The last time it happened was a few months ago, and after they left I told my H that it was time for him to have the "boundaries talk" with his parents; that they are HIS parents, not mine, and it's HIS responsibility to draw the line.  I told him I felt like they didn't respect our privacy at all, and take advantage of the face that we live very close to them (which by the way, will never happen again - next house we get is going to be far far away).

    You are not out of line at all if you want them to call before coming over.  But, your FI/H needs to have the boundaries talk with them before things get worse.

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  • THIS!!! We just had to have a talk (we are getting marred in about 85 days) about our parents not coming into our house. My dad and his mom have keys to the house. They are only allowed to use them if they have our daughter and we have forgotten her overnight backpack (my dad) or they are watching her while I am at class and FI is working (his mom). Other than that, they knock or ring the bell. We also keep our doors locked while we are home.

    imageFMIL&MOB:
    You have 38 days to figure out if your Fi has the balls to tell his parents and make them stick to it before you walk down the aisle. This is really something that should have been stopped by him prior to proposing. I do think a doorbell isn't going to solve the bigger problem of them coming over and ringing it without calling first. Lock the door and don't answer it if they were told to call before dropping by and believe me it is going to be hard to get them to break a habit. Your Fi needs to step up now, and you can see if he throws you under the bus or explains these are his wishes. No, you are not out of line to say please call, but since they lack the manners to think this is polite regardless if it is family don't expect them to be happy about it. Just expect them to respect your privacy.
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  • 1-Lock you door!!!! They can knock without a doorbell.

    2- lay out some ground rules.  Don't do it JUST for his parents but for anyone, your parents, friends, his parents. things like "they need to call before visiting", figure out an appropriate amount of time to see family (2 times a week, once a month). Talk about what happens if someone stops by unannounced, who tells them? 

  • You need to lock your door, get a door bell and set ground rules. My family would rarely stop by unannounced and if they did they would call beforehand to make sure we were around and they would definitely knock first. I don't just walk into anyone's house, even that of my own sister, unless she is expecting me.

     

  • imageFMIL&MOB:
    You have 38 days to figure out if your Fi has the balls to tell his parents and make them stick to it before you walk down the aisle. This is really something that should have been stopped by him prior to proposing. I do think a doorbell isn't going to solve the bigger problem of them coming over and ringing it without calling first. Lock the door and don't answer it if they were told to call before dropping by and believe me it is going to be hard to get them to break a habit. Your Fi needs to step up now, and you can see if he throws you under the bus or explains these are his wishes. No, you are not out of line to say please call, but since they lack the manners to think this is polite regardless if it is family don't expect them to be happy about it. Just expect them to respect your privacy.

    Please think clearly about marrying this person. This problem you have now will only continue to get worse if the things above in bold do not happen.

  • nope. not out of line at all. i hate surprise stop ins.

    if they do it without calling you're absolutely within your right to decline their visit (no reason necessary) with a simple 'i wish you would have called first, now isn't a good time, but lets get together soon' and say goodbye.

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  • Well if you are like us you prob don't lock your doors.  You shouldn't have to tho.  We never lock our doors and if his parents come over or my BIL and his gf- they knock and we yell for them to come in.  My sister usually barges right in but normally we get a text of phone call from all of them beforehand.  I can only count on one hand the times they've shown up without telling us.  So def have your fiance  have a 'boundries' talk with them. 

     If it were me I'd prob just say, "we love when you come over and visit but can you just give us a call beforehand to make sure we are home and not busy?"  Something simple like that should put a stop to it. If not- your fiance needs to be a little more stern than that I guess.

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  • It can be difficult to set boundaries in this area, especially if you and your FI are young, or if one of you has lived on your own for a while and the parents have had keys and the rules have been "drop by anytime."  This is a pretty common issue that comes up for newlyweds or couples just moving in together.

    BUT... as you've discovered, it's important to clarify for both sets of parents that the rules are different now that you're a STBM couple.  

    I'd recommend that the two of you sit down and hash out what you're comfortable with as a couple, then each person convey the game plan to his or her respective parents.  Having this talk with parents can be tough, but it's an important step in helping parents see you as truly independent adults with a household of your own, rather than children who happen to live in another house and be married. 

  • Update: fiance and I set ground rules and he has told his parents what they are. Thanks for all the advice. Yes, I am still marrying him (duh) and no, he didn't throw me under the bus.
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