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In law issues -- what other kind are there?
This is really long and drawn out so it's hard to explain. Sorry for the novel.
There's been this situation going on for awhile now. My BIL is absurdly rude to me, whenever I am around he makes comments about how I ruined DH's life and should just leave their family -- in no subtle words, either. And in front of DH and his parents. He was asked to be the best man in our wedding and then didn't show up to the reception at all and was drunk at the ceremony -- to which he was late. Then he told DH's best friend that he did this because he didn't want DH and I to get married.
So, there's a lot of stuff he's been doing that I could go on about for hours, but basically it came down to one night we were staying with the ILs because we lived several hours from them. He was being particularly nasty so I grabbed my sh!t and told DH I was leaving and I would come back to get him on Sunday. He left with me and we decided (after quite a bit of talk) that BIL would 100% out of my life and DH would talk to him about how rude he is.
Well, now we moved to the area because DH got a new job. His dad is getting a knee replacement tomorrow. He wants to go over there and see him (BIL lives with them because he dropped out of college and works in a steel mill). I told him that I felt like he was telling me that my feelings didn't matter because I wanted to see FIL too and couldn't because BIL would be there. And he hasn't talked to BIL yet, and the ILs don't see this as a problem. They think his behavior is "Just BIL being BIL, that's how he always is". DH thinks, "Even if I say something to him, he won't change. So what's the point?"
I feel like he should be taking my side in this. He should tell MIL and FIL that if they continue to allow their grown son (He is 24!) toe rude to me, then neither of us will be in any event to which he was also invited. Instead, I feel like he's basically saying, "Yeah, you're rude and hurtful to my wife, but that's fine because now she's not around so you got what you wanted. She can't come visit FIL while I do so she's sitting home." If he wanted to see FIL before his surgery (and I agree he should, just in case something happens, even though it's pretty routine), he should have invited them over here for dinner or we could have met them out to eat.
Ugh, I don't know. I feel like he's saying that it's okay for his family to treat me like sh!t. DH is a software engineer and he thinks some of the problem stems from his brother working really hard in a dangerous environment for less money than DH makes sitting in his office. But that's not an excuse.
Am I overreacting? How would anyone else handle this?
I'm not inclined to resign to maturity
Re: In law issues -- what other kind are there?
Allow their grown son to treat you like this? What are they going to do, ground him? Send him to bed without supper?
I am looking all kinds of sideways at your DH for asking someone who treats you this way to be his best man, though.
If my kid acted like that, I would tell him to act like a mature adult or move out.
And he asked him because of family pressure. He didn't want to.
I'm not inclined to resign to maturity
I'm not inclined to resign to maturity
He also didn't have to either. Your husband is also a mature adult.
You need to focus your anger on your husband and not your ILs. I honestly don't know what you should do since your husband seems to tolerate the bad behavior.
How did you answer this? What's your point?
Because when you shifted to making this the parent's fault, you completely lost me.
I get that you want your husband to tell his brother than he is WRONG. You want him to scream it at his face and you want everyone to agree with you. And you'd really like everyone to rally around you with support and shun the brother until he changes his ways or gets the hell out. Instead, you've got everybody shrugging their shoulders, minimizing your feelings, ringing their hands and saying 'oh well'. And hoping you'll let it blow over like they let it blow over.
Look, there is something severely wrong with your BIL and everyone is ignoring it. You can't change that. And you shouldn't be in charge of anybody else but you in this. You told BIL to stop insulting you - and he hasn't. You told DH to tell him to stop insulting you - and he hasn't. And you've told DH to tell his parents to tell BIL to stop insulting you - and they haven't.
So, take a deep breath and stop expecting anybody to do anything. But you SHOULD give yourself permission to start acting accordingly. You should call and wish FIL well, send baked brownies and a card. You should say how much you'd like to be there but "Of course can't because of BIL and how hurtful he is." And when they protest you shrug and say, "You are so strong to not let it bother you. I wasn't rasied that way and it hurts me deeply." And smile. Do not become unhinged and the raving luantic that BIL so desperately wants you to become. Be the person YOU are. Just don't get sucked into family events were an openly hostile person is going to attack you. And don't expailn it to anyone or ask anyone for permission to do it. Just do it. And if you want to be sympathetic in other ways, then do that. Like inviting them over for dinner before the surgery. Like taking time off from work and visiting when BIL is at the steal mill.
You can make this work on your own terms. Stop dictating things that other people don't want to do. Except the part about your DH being a doormat with his mouth shut. Tell him to grow a pair and to tell-offf his brother once in a while. And stop with the guilt that he finished college and has a cushy job at a good salary. That's just wimp behavior and letting a bully be a bully. You can expect him to have more self-respect than that.
So your FIL is an enabling wuss who doesn't think that BIL should change--why do you even want to see him?
Oh, right, because if you admit that *he* is in the wrong, then you might follow that thought to your DH also being an enabling wuss. Right, just blame your BIL and be blind to the rest of the family's actions.
livingitup -- I guess I am only mad at the ILs because I really do love them and want to spend time with them. They do things all the time I want to participate in -- like they had a bbq on memorial day and they went on a 4-wheeling trip, and they have movies nights, etc that we are invited to but BIL is also invited to. And they know we won't go because of the way he treats me. So they're basically saying I can't participate in their family events unless I accept the treatment from BIL... and it double sucks because they're the only family I have out here (we moved to OH to be near his family, my family lives in MA). But, I guess I just have to shove those feelings aside because what you said was right. Thanks for the advice.
dgrandizio -- I wish someone else felt that way. I would love to see him get reamed for being an asshat.
I'm not inclined to resign to maturity
FIL/MIL are a lot of things. They might be pushovers/enablers, but that's not all they are. They're good people and I care about them. That's why I want to see them.
I never said DH wasn't a wuss. I think he needs to have a talk with his brother (or like livingitup said, scream in his face), but ultimately, BIL is responsible for this. He caused all of the initial problems.
I'm not inclined to resign to maturity
And they (your ILs) have actively chosen their POS son over spending time with you and your DH regartdless of POS BILs actions. Yeah, great people.
How long are you giving your wuss of a husband to chat with his brother? Because according to your post above mentioning Mem Day plans, it's been at least two weeks--how much longer are you planning on giving your DH to grow a pair?
And what is the next step when BIL ignore's your DHs chat and the rest of the family still allows POS BIL to behave like a POS toward you?
I could see where your DH talking to your BIL may have done some good (likely wouldn't have) had he spoken with him prior to your declaration of 100% out of your life. I don't really see a point to talking with him at all if the "out of life" stuff has already happened. It's a moot issue between BILs parents and the BIL - what they should be doing as far as living arrangements and financially supporting him has nothing to do with your personal beef. It says stuff about his character and their weakness but it really doesn't ping your life at all. I also don't get not having it out with BIL yourself, say your peace, be maturely aggressive if need be, but go betweens are silly, IMO. They can't make him be any more valuable a human being than you can. And honestly, he's not going to treat you with respect until you stand up for yourself...having someone else say "be nice" isn't going to make you stand in any stronger a position. That's something you have to do yourself since you drew the line.
Since you accepted the family geography where the bestman situation comes in, that too only speaks to the fellows character (and how frustrating he is to deal with) but that doesn't really hold any weight for the upcoming visit. You decided BIL was out of your life. If you want your FIL in your life and visit, then go visit - BIL isn't stopping you. It sounds as if you are asking your DH to choose between you and his father rather than his making a choice between you and his brother.
You don't have an IL problem, you have a DH problem. You moved to OH to be near his family, and they treat you like crap? And your DH does nothing about it?! Enough is enough. Your DH is a grown man who is perfectly capable of standing up for his wife. He needs to tell his parents that NEITHER of you will be a part of that family if they continue to enable BIL (no, they cannot punish him at age 24, but they can kick him out of the house and tell him he is not welcome at family functions as long as he continues to treat family members this way). And your DH needs to tell BIL that the way he treats you is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
If he can't do this...well...he's chosen his family over you. And is that someone you want to be married to?
BIL switches shifts. It's on some crazy schedule but basically, this week and next week he is working thirds and then he will switch to firsts for 2 weeks. So since he's working all night, he's home all day.
I'm not trying to keep DH from his family, I said they're welcome to come here any time they'd like (within reason, of course) but in their house they allow BIL to terrorize me so I will not go to their house when he is not working.
The big fight that led to the out of my life thing was about 3 months ago. DH hasn't done anything. This is really the only sore spot in our relationship.
I'm not inclined to resign to maturity
If he's working 3rd shift he's most likely sleeping in the morning, right? Any possibility of doing breakfast/brunch with the IL's while he is asleep. I know it would be chancing that he would wake up while you are there, but if that happens you could plan ahead with DH to make a quick and graceful exit.
I would focus on what/who you can influence change with - your H (you can't change your h, but you can have some influence).
Tell him to go to al-anon b/c your ILS enabling of his brothers behavior will not fly with you, and you expect your H to stand up for you. AL-anon will provide him with tools to deal with his alcoholic brother. And yes, even if saying something to BIL will not change him, something needs to be said! At least your H will learn about boundries and what boundries he should not allow his brother to cross.
And for the record, I do not allow anyone to disrepect my guests. That rule would apply to grown (or not grown) children living in my home. Unless your bil is a co-owner of the property, your ILS could very well say "if you can't be polite to our son's wife, then move the fvck out." Of course, they don't say this b/c they are enablers, but it is entirely possible.
Punch him in da face and kick him in da ballz..the bIL
I know mature..
You described my situation with my ex-FI to a T. It's a very sad and very difficult situation to be in. And that's why I decided to call off the wedding.
I know how you feel when you wanted him to take your side solely on this. My ex admitted that he couldn't stand up to his family. I knew I couldn't live that way. I give you a lot of credit for getting as far as you did.
PM me if you want.
I wish my was sibling related. My DH Mom and Dad are the bad ones.
Last week they came over to visit (from WI to our home in MN) to help build our new deck. They entire time they were making references on how we should "break in the deck" this weekend. And by break in I mean.. HAVE SEX on the deck.. By the way we live in a neighborhood and our back yard faces a road. (I THINK NOT!!)
His parents are so rude, they did not let me help at all with the deck I got to put in two nails, which were then removed once I went to do something else around the house. Which I did not know until later. His father doesnt think I can do anything right. I decided since the guys were working on the deck and his mom decided to clean my DH car out. I was going to put together the patio set. After I completed the table and the chairs were already assembled, his dad mad the comment "oh are you sure its stable or is my beer going to roll off of it."
WTF!!! I know how to do things. If I couldnt do it I would have asked for help!
My parents came over later in the day because they can not stand my DH's family and my parents could tell I was upset. My dad asked me to carry a large piece of glass over to him. And my FIL grabbed it out of my hands and told me it was to heavy after I had already carried it 50 feet.
I am all about men and womens roles around the house, but I like to help and participate in things too. My MIL and FIL believe the women is only supposed to cook, clean and have babies.
This situation is not an isolated experience. Similar things happen each time we visit or they come here. I left their home three days early one spring break becuase they were making horrible jokes about Gay men and Native Americans. I faked a horrible stomach ache and told my husband we had to drive 5 hours home because I didnt feel well.
After all of this I made my DH promise to talk to them, because we are going to see them again next week for his cousins wedding.
5 days later he still hasn't, and I told him if he doesnt say something to them before the wedding I will say something that I probably will not regret, but make it terribly uncomfortable for them.
Good Luck to you!